Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Christina Aguilera

Christina Aguilera Is Releasing New, Ridiculous Music

A photo of Christina Aguilera

Ha ha, but really. That photo right there, in case you couldn’t tell, is the cover of Christina‘s first single from the album, titled “Your Body.” And it’s bad. It’s really, really bad.

I don’t know why I always expect more from Christina Aguilera, but I really do. Maybe it’s because I really liked her when she released her first album, back when I loved shitty music just because it was popular, or maybe it’s because unlike so many other pop acts, she’s actually really talented. I don’t know, but I do know that this new song that I just showed you, this “Your Body” nonsense? Yeah, that’s just the radio edit. There’s a special unedited version that will appear on the actual album.

It’s called “F-ck Your Body.” No, for real. In that song you listened to just now, the part where she goes “all I want to do is love your body?” The real version goes “all I want to do is f-ck your body.” That’s the kind of music Christina Aguilera is doing these days. Some more lyrics, if you couldn’t hear them through that awful beat, are “it’s true what you’ve heard, I am a freak, I’m disturbed.” Oh, and, don’t forget, “all I want to do is f-ck your body.” Honestly.

If you need a palate cleanser after all that, I’ve got a great one: I have a new kitty!

His name is JoBangles, and someone dumped him in the middle of the road in a storage bin. And here’s how my older kitty feels about it:

But sure, Christina, keep on singing about f-cking bodies. You have my undivided attention.

Love It or Leave It: Christina Aguilera’s Purple Hair

A photo of Christina Aguilera

For the past twenty minutes or so, I’ve been trying to come up with a nice way of saying that Christina Aguilera looks like the offspring of Miss Piggy and Snooki, but it’s just not coming to me. I thought of being like “no, see a lot of people think that Christina resembles Snooki sometimes,” but that didn’t feel right. Then I remembered that a couple of weeks ago I said that Christina looks like Miss Piggy, and I made extra sure to say that I wasn’t trying to be catty (because I really wasn’t), but, you know, I don’t want to repeat myself. I just can’t come up with it, guys. I can’t think of a single way to speculate that Snooki is secretly some time travelling alien scientist who took a break from her social experiment on earth to impregnate herself with the DNA of a Muppet while still being nice. And on top of that, I can’t say that I sincerely believe that Snooki is somehow currently pregnant with Christina Aguilera without sounding crazy.

Do you guys have any suggestions?

This is Christina Aguilera’s New LP Shot

photo of christina aguilera pictures photos
And does it look familiar? It should. Billie Holiday did a similar photo, like, eons ago. See?:

photo of billie holiday pictures
Original, right? Of course. If Christina Aguilera is anything, one word that comes to mind is certainly ‘original’. I mean, she cares about world hunger … She’s legit, guys.

The thing is, however, that lots and lots of people are touting this new LP cover to be, and I quote, “smooth,” “stunning,” “sultry,” and “sexy,” and since that’s a whole slew of ‘s’ words, I’ve got an ‘s’ word of my own to add to the ever-growing pile: scoured. This picture has been scrubbed, scoured, and sifted so that every trace of what Christina pretty much looks like today is completely obliterated. For real. Because while yeah, that cover is definitely smooth, stunning, sultry, and sexy, it’s also entirely simulated, too. ‘Shopped. Seriously.

Here’s a snippet (heaven help me) of Christina’s allegedly-new single, ‘Easier to Lie’:

Perez Hilton says it’s not, but hey. I’m not going to take his word for it or anything, come on.

What do you guys think of Christina’s look? Purported single snippet?