I really love reading interviews with Christina Aguilera. I think I like them so much because the subtlety. See, with some interviews, the celebrity will come right out in the open with rudeness and a bad attitude, or some craziness or what have you, but Christina’s not like that usually. With her, it’s mostly like “oh wow, this is kind of boring, ugh, why am I still reading … what did she just say?” And I can definitely respect that.

There are a few of those moments in this interview she did with Latina magazine:

On getting married and divorced at a young age: “Was I too young? Not at all. I did the exact right thing at the time….I definitely wasn’t too young. I have always been older than my age.”

On growing older: “I was on the set of a film and the choreographer was 19 and I looked around at all the dancers and I was like, ‘Whoa! I’m the oldest person in this room. When did that happen?’”

On reconnecting with her father: “I’ve talked about how rough things were for me and I’m sure he’s heard it. He can’t be thrilled about it. So maybe one day we can do lunch…I’m 31 years old now. Maybe it’s time.”

On resting up from the intensity of shooting The Voice: “When I’m shooting The Voice, it’s intense. On a day like today, my ex has my son and we are not shooting, so I slept and I just slept. I love doing everything in my bed.  Eating, sleeping…It’s my domain and my throne…I do it all in my bed.”

On how she handles gossip and brutal reviews: “I don’t read them. Ever…Why read what people are saying—good or bad?”

On criticisms of not being Latina enough: “I’ve dealt with that my whole life. I don’t speak the language fluently. And I’m split right down the middle, half Irish and half Ecuadorean. I should not have to prove my ethnicity to anyone. I know who I am.”

On planning another Spanish-language album: “All I know is no one can tell me I’m not a proud Latina woman…I dove headfirst into a Spanish-language album for that reason and I’m planning another one even though I don’t speak the language. I’m sure that doesn’t sit well with some people.”

You see what I mean?  Most of that was sort of boring, right?  I mean, I liked the “all I know is no one can tell me I’m not a proud Latina woman” part, because she sounds sassy as hell and I like that, but the rest of it was kind of a yawn, to be honest. But that part about the bed, or excuse me, her “domain” and her “throne,” that is wonderful. That is just delightful. All I can think about now is Christina Aguilera rolling around in her bed, getting hot sauce and ranch dressing all over the clean sheets while trying to pull on a pair of leggings.

I’m really glad I could share this moment with you.

There seems to be a cycle that’s been going on with Christina Aguilera for a while now, ever since she started to put on some weight. She gets criticized for it, she makes a statement saying that she loves her body, and then she gets photographed without pants in public. It’s pretty predictable.

But here’s something interesting but not necessarily unexpected: Christina actually isn’t all that comfortable with her new body:

“Christina has turned into a bullying diva,” an in­sider told The ENQUIRER. “In interviews, she likes to say that she’s at peace with her new curves, but that’s not how she really feels.”

A petite 5-foot-2,the 31-year-old Grammy winner once weighed a super-slim 100 pounds. But the “Dirrty” singer re­cently ballooned to around 140 pounds, and she’s desperate to hide the extra weight for the new season of the NBC talent show that was launching Feb. 5, said the source.

“Christina holds up pro­duction with her constant demands, saying, ‘Don’t make me look fat’ or ‘Don’t show my butt,’ ” the insider revealed.

“She’s insisted the cam­eramen only shoot her at flattering angles, forcing a few segments to be reshot. She also demands that the stylists bring her the latest slimming fashions, and she’s always ordering the makeup artists to make her face look thin­ner.”

While Christina’s be­havior has ticked off her fellow coaches, country star Blake Shelton and “Crazy” singer Cee Lo Green, Maroon 5 front­man Adam Levine is the most vocal about her antics, confided the source.

“Blake and Cee Lo get annoyed at Christina’s silly requests, but Adam really can’t stand it,” ex­plained the insider.

“He’s the first one to say that she’s unpro­fessional and producers shouldn’t reshoot takes just because she doesn’t like how she looks. But Christina doesn’t care what anyone, es­pecially skinny little Adam, thinks.

“She just rolls her eyes at him and tries to make sure she looks good for the cam­eras.”

Obviously I’m not going to hate on Christina for gaining weight, but all this nonsense is really frustrating. If she wants to make everyone’s job harder so that she can look as thin as possible, then why doesn’t she just try to lose weight? I’ve never understood people who complain and complain, people who are always “ugh, I’m so fat,” and who never do a single thing about it. If you’re fat and happy and healthy, then good for you, soul sister. Do your thing. If you’re not comfortable with those extra pounds, or if it makes you unhealthy, then do something about it. All the time that Christina wasted trying to look thinner could have been spent, you know, actually getting thinner.

But whatever, I guess. Christina, you keep doing your thing, girlfriend, and don’t you listen to anybody else, especially that skinny little Adam. Hope them Spanx treat you right, honey.

You know shit is bad when Neil Patrick Harris is snarking out on you. Because that’s exactly what happened: Neil Patrick Harris appeared on The Talk to discuss Christina‘s performance at Etta James’ funeral, and though the vocals themselves weren’t mulled over (thank God, because I was one of those who thought her rendition of ‘At Last’ was horrible and over the top and way inappropriate for a funeral), the “dark fluid” trickling down one leg was. I mean, even if Christina had knocked the performance out of the park, it’d still be all about whatever was dripping from somewhere above.

“I was watching backstage. I was hoping it was runs in her stockings,” Neil said, but I laughed because Christina Aguilera doesn’t wear bras to funerals, let along stockings, jeez. He continued by laughing, “And I was dry-heaving as I was watching it backstage.” Neil, dude, we all were. “It’s awful,” he said. “Could it not have been clear? It would have been so much easier to explain!” Oh, God, ew. Clear what, friend? First of all, menstruation is never clear, if it was self-tanner and sweat, it would also not be clear, and the only other fluids that are clear are just as disgusting to consider.

The rest of the clip depicts Neil and the ladies dry-heaving into their coffee cups.

So, of course. Being the crass bitch that I am, what was it making a slimy, viscous trail down Christina’s leg?

I have a bone to pick with Celebitchy. Ordinarily we are on the same page, but this time, the blog has gone TOO FAR. The headline there reads “Christina Aguilera Embarrasses Herself at Etta James’ Funeral.” WRONG.

Now, it is true that Aguilera’s version of Etta James’ “At Last” was overwrought. It is true that the girl knows how to wail. It is also true that, when Aguilera’s voice finally drops, low and soft, you wonder why the entire song couldn’t have been demure instead of brash. And lastly, it is true that Christina’s bronzer started to run. Gross.

So while I agree the song could have been soft and sweet, it was instead very Christina. Fine.

But it would be so terrifying to sing such a famous song at such an important event, I’m figuring. How can you give a song like that your “own spin”? How do you make it your own?

Christina Aguilera has long been one of my favorite voices, and anyway, you gotta know your audience. This girl knows her audience, for sure, because when she concludes her vocal acrobatics, the audience cheers and jumps to its feet. Christina got a standing ovation! How many people can say they got a standing ovation at a funeral? I ask you.

Now, if I were to change any one thing about Christina’s performance, I would add another camisole to her ensemble. I mean, seriously. The boobs, Christina! Put them away!

What do you guys think? Am I wrong? Is Celebitchy’s take more on the money? Did Christina Aguilera showboat at Etta James’ funeral?

Or did Christina Aguilera hit all the right notes?

Yesterday, Sarah brought you that quote from Christina about how she loves her body and her boyfriend loves her body, and how she’s happy with the way she looks. I completely share Sarah’s sentiment that it’s wonderful that Christina feels this way, but please, please consider your fashion choices. Like, I just don’t understand why she refuses to wear pants. I don’t get it, and I never will.

But this isn’t about her awful, horrible fashion choices. No, this is about her awful, horrible makeup choices*. Because, you guys, look up there at that cover photo for Christina’s issue of Marie Claire. Look how good she looks! And I know, I know, Photoshop does wonders, but you can’t look at that photo and tell me that the lack of pancake foundation and that constant, offensive red lipstick doesn’t do wonders for her.

Oh, and seeing as how we’re already talking about Marie Claire, why don’t I go ahead and share with you guys a few excerpts from Christina’s interview?

On the entirety of 2011: “That was a rough year,” Aguilera admits, shaking her head. “Between my divorce and the other things I went through, a lot happened. It’s hard for anyone to go through that in public. But when you’re a celebrity and under a microscope, it’s 58 million times harder. I grew an even thicker skin after that hard year.”

On the criticism she’s received for her weight: “I’ve been through my highs, I’ve been through my lows; I’ve been through the gamut of all things in this business. Being too thin. Being bigger. I’ve been criticized for being on both sides of the scale. It’s noise I block out automatically. I love my body. My boyfriend loooves my body. My son is healthy and happy, so that’s all that matters to me.”

More on her body image: “I have certain physical features that I favor over others. We all have our areas,” she says. “When I worked on Burlesque, I lost so much weight that I was too skinny. I don’t weigh myself — it’s all about how I feel in my clothes. What looks good on one person might not look good on another body type. I happen to be very confident in my own skin. It takes time to get to that place, but it’s all about embracing yourself and your body.”

On her public image: “It is called show business.”

Oh, honey, is that why you wear all that ridiculous makeup and fishnets for pants? Because it’s “show business,” is that it? Sweetheart, it’s not worth it. Famous people wear all their clothes too, I promise. It’s ok, you don’t have to keep doing this to yourself.

Despite that troubling little bit there at the end – show business, honestly, my goodness – what do you think Christina’s future looks like? Will 2012 be her year?

*By the way, thank you guys so much for all those makeup tips yesterday! I’ll definitely be trying some of those products, and I will do my very best not to pull a Christina.

“I have a boyfriend that loves my body. I love my body, my son is healthy and happy and that is all that matters. Women, we are definitely under a microscope and under massive scrutiny. As long as I am happy in my own skin, that is all that is all the confirmation I need.”

That’s great, Christina. Really. It’s honestly great that you’re completely comfortable in your body, because it’s true, you have a great body.

It’s just the bad, bad fashion choices that put you so far behind everyone else. You don’t need to be packing yourself into skintight dresses and beat-ass leggings in order to show us all just how “comfortable” you really are. There’s tons and tons of other celebrities out there who have beautiful, curvy figures, much like your own, but even some of them, believe it or not, don’t feel the compulsion to make sure everyone else is OK with their new, curvy figure so much so that they need to put themselves under the microscope by a) constantly defending how much they love their bodies, and b) refuse to purchase new clothing, though their bodies maybe have changed a bit from previous years.

I mean, take this dress you’re wearing here in the post photo. As Jenn said this past weekend, it looks great. And it really, really does. Aside from the bralessness (which is never good unless you have either a flat chest or big old standalone fake tits, which you, in both cases, do not), it’s a really, really good choice and I have to commend you for choosing it. If, unfortunately, you didn’t pick this one out, you need to get the name of the wardrobe person that said “Ooh, yes, definitely wear this,” and never let them go. Ever.

You’re a gorgeous woman, and aside from that pesky drinking problem that you, you know, “may or may not” have, you’re doing pretty well for yourself. Now please. Hook up with some classy ladies who know how to clothe their beautiful asses and and go shopping or something. Do something besides talk about The Voice and make us pin you to blind items about drunkards aspirating their vomit in the night, OK girl? You’ll be doing SO MUCH BETTER.