Oh my gosh. I can’t. I just can’t. I don’t even know what to say, this is that horrifying. I don’t mean that it’s not sort of amusing, because it is, a little, and if it wasn’t the monstrosity we know as Gwyneth Paltrow, it might even be funny. I just mean that it’s so … embarrassing. I watched it a few times as I tried to figure out my feelings, and I just feel so unbelievably embarrassed right now.
And maybe it’s just my intense feelings for Gwyneth, but does anyone else think that she did this video and then sent it to Beyonce with a letter that said “please pass this along to your husband so we can begin work on our record post-haste”? Because Gwyneth thinks she and Jay-Z are going to do the next Watch the Throne together. Because she’s that out of touch*.
But Cameron Diaz is pretty cute, right?
*I know she’s not that out of touch. I know she probably did this to have fun with her friends. I know it’s a joke. But guys. It’s Gwyneth Paltrow. Loosen up.
October 13, 2012 at 8:00 am by Emily
Well, OK. That’s not exactly what she said, but it’s pretty damn close. Here. You can go ahead and determine if Cameron Diaz is as full of crap as Sofia says, or if you agree with Cameron that there’s shit a whole lot worse going on than merely turning forty.
Cameron Diaz’s recent age quote to Esquire UK:
“For the first time in my life I’m content. I’m so excited. Getting older is the best part of life. Like, I know more than I’ve ever known. I have gratitude. I know myself better. I feel more capable than ever. And as far as the physicality of it – I feel better at 40 than I did at 25. I’m so excited. Getting older is the best part of life. Like, I know more than I’ve ever known.”
And then here’s Sofia’s recent age quote to Lucky:
“Turning 40 is horrible. People that say it isn’t are full of shit.”
But, to be fair, and you know it pains me to defend Cameron Diaz, because she and I just haven’t been homegirls in forever, but here’s another few quips from Sofia’s interview, which was definitely, definitely a little over the top if you compare it to Cameron’s (which is here, if you want to read some more level-headed quotes and not things about breast lifts, yachts, and diamonds):
“It [my engagement ring] is perfection. If it was bigger, it would be too big to wear. But if it was smaller, I would not like.”
“I love luxury. I love yachts. I love planes. I love trips,” Vergara admits. “I can live without all of them, and I have, but I am not going to apologize and pretend I don’t love luxury, because I do.”
“I know [my breasts] have opened doors for me, let’s be real. But I so hate when I see Gisele and she is wearing a tiny little tank top with no bra, like, ‘Oh, I just threw this on, I look so cute.’ If I wore that I would look like I was pregnant, or a fat stripper.”
Now. Who’s full of shit?
October 3, 2012 at 7:30 am by Sarah
Oh, you guys, I’m sorry. When I asked the question of “who is the highest paid actress in Hollywood?” and then put a picture of Meryl Streep right up there at the top, that made it look like Meryl is the highest paid actress, didn’t it? I’m sorry, but it’s just not true. Meryl is on the list, but she’s not at the top. She deserves to be at the top, but she’s not.
Before I let you know the richiest rich lady in Hollywood, let me just show you the top ten list, all right? I’ll go ahead and tack on the amount of money they made in the past year, just so you can cry while you balance your checkbook like I do.
10. Jennifer Aniston – $11 million
9. Kristen Wiig – $12 million
8. Meryl Streep – $12 million
7. Sarah Jessica Parker – $15 million
6. Julia Roberts – $16 million
5. Charlize Theron – $18 million
4. Angelina Jolie – $20 million
3. Sandra Bullock – $25 million
2. Cameron Diaz – $34 million
Ok, but who do you think landed in the number one spot? Who do you think made nearly three times as much as the beloved Meryl Streep? Who do you think made a few million dollars more than Angelina Jolie and Jennifer Aniston combined?
1. Kristen Stewart – $34.5 million
Yes, thanks to them Twilight movies and Snow White and the Huntsman, Kristen Stewart is the top-earning actress in all of Hollywood. Does anyone else feel physically ill?
June 21, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily
And her problem is “looking like this when she drinks,” and not necessarily having an actual issue with alcohol like, you know, being unable to stop consuming it. No, I think the biggest problem we’re dealing with here is Cammy’s big old drunkface, because it’s WOW. It’s all up in there; it’s all over the place. And why is the bottom of her hair wet? Is it puke? Is it just backsplash from vomiting in the john? Because if her hair were as short as it used to be, that might not have happened, but then again, she’d probably be drinking so heavily in that case that she’d be passed out in the toilet and not even out and about and able to make this epic drunkface. I guess we should probably be thanking our lucky stars in one way or another.
Anyway. This is Cameron Diaz leaving a club at three o’clock this morning, and if you check out the photos in the gallery, you’ll see that she gets a little help walking to her car. And in light of that, what I want to know is why all of these celebrities feel it a necessity to have handlers escorting them out of a club, putting their hands on them and steadying them and making sure that they get into their waiting vehicles OK. Because you see it all of the time. Celebrities drunk and falling out of clubs while burly men grasp their elbows and occasionally their waists if they’re really loaded, and you hardly ever see any of these celebrities bite it and land on the ground.
I mean, when I was in my very, very early twenties (and OK, my late, late teens), I was leaving bars without the help of any burly men, and if and when I bit it and landed on the ground on my way out, you know what happened? Well. Let’s just say that I didn’t have any “friends” there to steady me or pick me up, because they were all too busy pointing and laughing at my silly ass on the ground. These celebrities, guys, I just don’t know. It’s like they have no sense of reality or something.
Looking good, girl!
May 23, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Sarah
“There was a little misunderstanding. I said, ‘Oh I just want a little bit off’ … and it went from here to here. … I just burst into tears and started crying, and I felt so vulnerable. For a woman to all of a sudden have no hair, oh my god. I felt really bad, she felt really bad, she started crying, I started crying, a couple of other people started crying.”
Wait. “For a woman to all of a sudden have no hair.” What’s that? No, really—what is that, and why is she including me in it? Wait, you mean she’s not? She’s only talking about herself and her own personal experience in being self-conscious about something that doesn’t really matter at all? Oh. OK. Because I can’t, for the life of me, figure out why she’d say “for a woman to all of a sudden have no hair, oh my god,” because I am a woman, and I, too, have had “bad” haircuts. I’ve had long, wavy hair down to my ass and I’ve had hair that was literally a half-inch long. I’ve pretty much run the gamut of hair lengths, and nothing about its length, condition, or color ever made me feel like less of a woman.
So, what, Cameron? Short hair isn’t as feminine as long blonde locks? There’s a length that women just shouldn’t go, because it’s not fitting? I’m not really sure I’m understanding what you’re saying, and I’m not all that comfortable completely chalking my cloudy fugue today solely to the half-bottle of NyQuil that I’ve ingested over the last twelve hours, nor am I being blinded by the massive pile of tissues that are dotted across my desk, threatening to close in on my notebook, looking like poisonous jelly fish floating around in barrel. No, it’s not just the massive head cold that’s got me a little foggy, it’s your unspoken reasoning behind the “stigma” of short hair on women.
Can you do a sister a solid and clear that up for me? Huh, girl?
May 3, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Sarah
Not to be harsh, but after that catastrophe that was Country Strong, I don’t think Gwyneth Paltrow needs to ever sing and dance again: not in the shower, not in her bedroom, not in a bar, not ever. And certainly not in a film that millions and millions of people will see. Just in case you’ve forgotten what Gwyneth Paltrow, The Singer is like, let me refresh your memory:
Do you see what I mean when I say that she needs to give this up forever? Yes? Then you should be able to feel my pain when I tell you that this is exactly what she’s not doing. What she is doing, though, is starring in a movie with Beyonce, Cameron Diaz, and Reese Witherspoon about old lady singers from the 1990′s who are sad that no one wants to listen to their music anymore. Really.
In a seven-figure preemptive deal, Sony Pictures is collaborating with Ryan Murphy on One Hit Wonders, a musical comedy pitch that will be written as a star vehicle for Gwyneth Paltrow, Reese Witherspoon, Cameron Diaz, Beyonce and Andy Samberg.
Murphy is attached to direct, and he will write the script with his Gleecohorts Brad Falchuk and Ian Brennan. Murphy will produce with Paltrow (who has practically become aGlee cast member) and the latter makes her debut as a producer on this film. Murphy hopes to direct it after he completes The Normal Heart.
Paltrow, Witherspoon and Diaz will play three singers who each scored a top hit song in the 1990s before watching their careers go down the drain. They decide to form a super group. Samberg and his Lonely Island cohorts will be involved in generating music for the film, I’m told. The project came out of a dinner Murphy had at the Soho House with Paltrow, Diaz and Witherspoon. They wanted to do something fun together and kicked around ideas until they settled on One Hit Wonders. Murphy, who made Eat Pray Love with Sony Pictures chief Amy Pascal, took the pitch to her. Pascal bought it 10 minutes in. They are working the deals right now.
I’ve never liked Gwyneth Paltrow, obviously, and I’m kind of over Beyonce at the moment. I’m pretty indifferent to Cameron Diaz, and I guess I like Reese Witherspoon ok. Despite all that, am I going to go see this movie? Yes. Hell yes. I mean, the music is going to be done by The Lonely Island, the boys who wrote such beautiful songs as “The Creep” and “I Just Had Sex.” And the Gwyneth Paltrow is going to be singing those songs. And then I get to see it and laugh forever. I think it would be worth the pain, just for those giggles.
Would anyone else be interested in seeing this film?