My name is Bobby and I will be your new celebrity gossip writer as of the beginning of February. I know that you are going to be ruthlessly critical, and I expect nothing less. Until recently, I, too, used to tear apart celebrities and authors alike in the comments, but consider yourselves warned! To get this job I had to bribe and coerce and blackmail people, and when that didn’t work, I sent Sarah a severed horse head, so no funny business.
Just kidding. I am, in fact, quite harmless. My specialties include photography, rock and roll music, and kittens*, and my goal for this year is to somehow manage to work the word idempotent in a sentence. It also happens that I am in a sort of a Jessica Simpson situation at the moment – not even nine months after I had my first baby, my husband went ahead and knocked me up again. This very much leads me to the theme of my very first post for Evil Beet – pregnant celebrities!
So without further ado, here’s a list of 12 celebs who will be procreating at various times this year (in no particular order):
1. Evan Rachel Wood
There was no love lost between Evan and, well, almost everyone on Evil Beet so far, but I like the gal ever since I saw her in Thirteen. She is expecting her first child with husband Jamie Bell sometime in the Summer.
2. Kristen Bell
The sloth-loving Kristen Bell is preggers with her first child from Dax Shepard, and if crying uncontrollably at the sight of sloths isn’t a good enough reason to like her, Kristen is also outspoken on issues like same sex marriage and animal welfare. She’s due in the Spring.
3. Amber Rose
Model Amber Rose is expecting a very laid back (and possibly tattooed) child with Wiz Khalifa, and is ready to pop any minute, forever changing the the way her vagina photographs.
4. Jenna Dewan-Tatum
I don’t have any idea who she is, but they say her husband is hot so there you go.
5. Holly Madison
Former Playboy bunny/stripper/reality star Madison, known mainly for her utter lack of style, is expecting a girl in March. For the delivery, she’s rumored to either wear a mustard yellow floral nylon dress, or nothing.
6. Kate Middleton
Her Royal Highness the Duchess of Cambridge had a rough first trimester but she seems fine now, unless you refer to the latest portrait of her, in which case she doesn’t. I really hope Kate puts on some weight during this pregnancy; it makes me feel uneasy watching her right now. She looks … sort of malnourished. Or maybe I’m just jealous because I know I’ll turn to a whale long before I reach full term. A Great Blue Whale.
7. Sophie Dahl
Dahl is pregnant with her second child, but I have a feeling that despite of being Roald Dahl’s granddaughter and a former plus-size model, many of you might not consider Sophie a celebrity. If that’s the case, let me remind you that she was on the cover of Vogue, like, 500 times, and that makes her at least more famous than you and I. Besides, you gotta love how much taller she is than her husband.
8. Busy Philipps
I LOVE Busy. She is so pretty and real, and she always steals the show even though she’s not necessarily in the A-list headlines all the time.
9. Peaches Geldof
This here British celebrity who is famous for being famous is going to have another baby boy, and oh! god. She intends on naming him Phaedra. Let us all roll our eyes on a count of three.
10. Malin Akerman
No, Malin wasn’t impregnated by French-kissing Tom Cruise -she is expecting in June by her legitimate husband who, presumably, put a bun in her oven the conventional way.
11. Jessica Simpson
I suspect that Jessica actually learned the trick of getting pregnant so soon after giving birth from Britney, but then again Jessica’s fiance is quite cute and I don’t see why the hell not. Jess is going to have a boy.
12. Kim Kardashian
And finally, the worst, most terrible celebrity couple, Kimye. Typing this nauseates me, so I’m just going to give you a funny picture of Kim and leave it there. There’s nothing much to say about it anyways, except maybe to loosely quote Chelsea Handler who predicted that, considering its parents, this baby will be “tanned and very hairy.”
*I’m sure you’ll be missing Emily’s kittens so I promise to post photos of mine as often as I can.
Photos courtesy of Just Jared, Glamour Magazine, and Splash News.