7Look, It’s The Kardashian Kristmas Kard!

Because we all know that it’s not Christmastime until we see how the Kardashians and the Jenners decided to come together for their annual Christmas card.

There’s a couple of interesting things here, I guess. Obviously, Kanye isn’t there, which is extremely upsetting, and also surprising. Don’t they realize how much more press they would get with this is he was on there? There’s not any trouble in Kimye paradise, is there? Heaven forbid Kim lose the latest love of her life, especially when she’s still married to her last one. Can you even imagine?

I guess the only other interesting thing is how much people care about these cards every year. When I was trying to find the best version of this photo, I found dozens and dozens of other blogs and news sites that already got the tip last night, and I don’t get it. And you know I’m not trying to do a big “why do people care about celebrities?” thing, or even a “why do people care about the Kardashians?” thing. People care about them because it’s fun to gossip, duh. But I don’t get why people care so much about these Christmas cards specifically. Is it just so we can speculate about Kim’s love life? Or to see what Bruce Jenner‘s face is up to? Because I can understand that. But otherwise, what’s the appeal?

It’s not Kim’s stupid greased back hair, that’s for sure.

December 18, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily

11Is Kris Jenner Cheating on Bruce?

Hey guys, listen up for a minute, all right? Because what I’m about to tell you is going to blow your mind. Your first instinct might be to slap me for spreading such hateful rumors or to break down in tears over this unfathomable news. This is a fair warning that this isn’t going to be easy to hear.

Ready? Kris Jenner has probably been cheating on Bruce Jenner. BUT WAIT. The man she’s having the affair with? Why, it’s none other than Todd Waterman, the man she cheated on Robert Kardashian with, and the man who is quite possibly Khloe’s biological father.

Here‘s what happened: Kris was at home, composing a nice little email to her former lover, then BOOM, Bruce walked in a saw it. Kris was all “blah blah, I need closure, blah blah blah, I’m a horrible person,” but Bruce wasn’t buying it because he saw Kris’ signature on the email. That bitch closed her little letter with a bunch of x’s and o’s!

But while Bruce’s feelings are all hurt over the email situation – he apparently believes the wise “once a cheater, always a cheater” adage, and he is Not Happy – he doesn’t even know the worst of it. Which, by the way, is that Kris went on an actual date with this guy. A “source,” which I think we can all agree is probably Kris herself, said that the date was “electrifying” and that it’s “so obvious that she still carries a torch for him.” Another piece of evidence to back that up is the fact that Kris sends emails and texts to Todd “feverishly.”

Poor Bruce. I always felt so bad for him. It’s so obvious that he really cares for everyone in the family, and he seems like such a great father figure for the Kardashian girls, but he always gets screwed. I feel like the episode where Kris was thinking about changing her last name back to Kardashian was a pretty good representation of the kind of shit Bruce deals with regularly, and that kind of breaks my heart.

All that being said though, I doubt he’ll leave. Poor, poor Bruce.

July 12, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Emily

1Kim Kardashian: “I Hate to Talk About Myself”

Oh wow. This is too rich, it really is. Last night the second part of Oprah‘s interview with the Kardashians aired, and Kim actually said that she hates to talk about herself. Goodness gracious, what a joke.

Let’s break down the interview and see if we can find any other gems, shall we?

- When Kim was asked about Kanye, she said that “I don’t know why it took us so long to get together. I think we’ve always had an attraction to each other…one day it just happened. It took me by surprise.” She also said that Kanye is what she’s looking for in a man, which is hilarious to me, but that she’s “apprehensive” to talk about the relationship.

- Apparently Oprah wanted to talk about Kanye for a while, because she also asked Kim if their relationship was a publicity stunt. Kim’s response? “No. It’s your heart you’re playing with. I couldn’t sacrifice my heart for a publicity stunt.”

- Also, we’re all so totally wrong about what Kim’s all about. She’s not some mindless spoiled brat, ok? “I hardly drink, I go to church on Sundays,” says Kim. “I’m so far removed from my image.”

- Then she said something kind of cryptic about marriage and Kanye: “I’m not thinking about marriage right now,” says Kim. “To have him (Kanye) in my life this way, says a lot about us.”

- But Kim, please, tell us how pretty you are! Oprah asked her if she knew that she was beautiful, which is when Kim said that she hates talking about herself because “I’m so critical.” Since you’re all on pins and needles, Kim admitted that she’s pretty, but she wouldn’t call herself beautiful.

- Khloe and Lamar got some time in with Oprah too, and Khloe told her that they’re “always trying” to get pregnant.

- Oprah asked Scott Disick an amazing question: what’s the hardest thing to watch in the shows? He responded with “I would probably just say maybe Kourtney crying, one, two, maybe a million times.” Good answer, now if he could work on not being a jackass.

- And does Bruce Jenner have any regrets? “The only thing, the whole (Kim and Kris) wedding thing,” says Bruce. “We went so overboard on that. And, the way it turned out and everything. … And, because I mean at the time it was honest, it was love, it was exact, I mean, I was all in, you know? But then it turned so quickly.”

Bless you, Oprah. Bless you for this.

June 25, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily

2Quotables: Bruce Jenner Just Confirmed Kim and Kanye’s Relationship

“I’m not that excited, but we’ll see. Kimberly and I have had a conversation about them and their potential relationship.”

Bruce Jenner, at last night‘s public appearance at Northeastern University in Boston. When asked about Kim and Kanye dating, because really, why else would anyone invite Bruce Jenner to talk to a crowd anywhere—oh, right, he’s a motivational speaker—unless it happened to revolve around Kim Kardashian and her pompous ass (and by “pompous ass,” I mean her actual backside that’s really quite pompous and intrusive; I’m not talking about Kanye this time, though he is, by very definition, a pompous ass).

When asked to elaborate on his feelings, Bruce claimed that he was merely worried that Kim might be rushing into things and not exactly looking down the road for possible fallout.

If you remember, Kim claimed that she’s, in no way, shape, or form, ready to hop back up on the dating horse just yet. But I’m thinking there’s an addendum to that which we’re just not hearing; something maybe along the lines of “unless said horse has got a really big penis and is marginally more famous than the last dude she boned three times in a row.”

April 13, 2012 at 6:30 am by Sarah

12Kheck Out the Kardashian’s Klassy Khristmas Kard for Khrist’s Sake, KKKKKKKKK

Ugh. This is bad. This is so, so bad. This is definitely the worst Christmas card the Kardashians have had so far, and I’d know. We ran almost their entire collection here last year around this time.

So here it is. And for all of you lucky bastards out there who just love 3D, and who’re so rich (like the Kardashians) that you have stupid, senseless things around your house like 3D glasses, the shoot was done in 3D, TOO. You should probably play the lottery tonight, you know. This type of serendipity just doesn’t come along that often.

Me, I’m still trying to figure out the theme here. Is it “Have a Bad Photoshop Christmas”? Is it “Let’s pretend Kourtney has even half the ass that Kim does so happy holidays you bastard”? Is it “Ho! Ho! Ho! How ’bout we make Kris Humphries SOOOO JEALOUS that he missed the Christmas card by a few weeks by making the (cottage) cheese stand alone?” I don’t know. Maybe. My guess is that they were going for Marrakesh “classy” this time, but it never fails to amuse me that they confuse “classy” with “klassy,” and really, how appropriate is that?

Images via Celebuzz

December 19, 2011 at 3:30 pm by Sarah

3A Very Kardashian Thanksgiving!

I am so, so sorry, you guys. I know that on Thanksgiving day, you were just sitting around with your boring old family, eating pedestrian turkey and peasanty stuffing. You hemmed and hawed every time somebody mentioned that dumb parade, and when your stupid cousin asked you to pass the potatoes, you could have just about bitten his head off. And who could blame you? Your mind was completely occupied with wondering what your favorite family was doing for the holidays!

Thanks to Khloe Kardashian and her blog, we don’t need to wonder anymore! Now we know that poor Bruce Jenner looked weird, Kourtney Kardashian‘s adorable son Mason was adorable, and that Dancing with the Star‘s Mark Ballas showed up to play a little guitar. Feel better? I know I do!

Oh, and speaking of Dancing with the Stars, guess who’s being courted to appear on the next season. Kris Jenner, y’all. Could the day get any better?

November 30, 2011 at 5:30 am by Emily