What were you guys doing back in back in 1999? You know, back when this video was shot. I was sixteen (not much younger than Britney herself), crushing hardcore on this dude from the swim team who already had a girlfriend, and with abs that were just as hot. What’s changed in the thirteen years that’s passed since? Well, I hooked up with the dude from the swim team about five years after the crush had subsided – the girlfriend was an ex-girlfriend by that point – and you know what? It wasn’t as awesome as I’d always imagined. The abs stayed pretty much where they were (OK, not as great as Britney’s eighteen-year-old abs, but pretty damned good abs for a twenty-eight year-old mother of one), and generally, things are super. Don’t you just love those middling years and how unpredictable they can be?
Ahem.
Britney, however, is in her own sort of cacophonous mess – sources close to her are saying that her upcoming wedding to Jason Trawick has her in bridezilla mode, and while I can’t exactly see Britney all waving her manicured hands around, ordering people to do this and that (because come on – Brit Brit probably hasn’t had a manicure since her ‘Sometimes’ days), I can understand that she could possibly be under a tremendous amount of pressure. From the UK’s Now magazine:
As she tries to prevent a feud breaking out between Jason’s family and hers, the pressure’s bringing her out in spots – which is stressing her out even more!
A friend says: ‘Brit’s been bombarded with instructions on where to have her wedding. Her family’s pushing to have the ceremony in Louisiana, but Jason’s family wants it back East.
‘Britney wanted it in Hawaii or at Elvis’s Graceland estate, but it looks like what she wants has to go on the back burner. She’s flipping out.’
Oh Britney. Let’s just take it easy for awhile and remember the easygoing, fun-loving days gone by, OK? Can we just do that for a minute, take a breather? Check out the original video below!
And guys, in this picture. Man, she looks TERRIBLE. It looks like she’s suffered a some kind of depressive stroke. I know that might sound kind of bad, considering the mental state she’s been in over the past few years, but honestly, I’m totally pulling for Britney to get her life back together (even if it means not doing it as a worldwide performer in profession). But somebody – somebody – close to her has got to do something about helping her with those eyes.
Anyone in the audience out there who knows anything about certain kinds of anti-depressants that make your face look like a sad Kabuki mask? Is that what it is? Or has she just had so much stress heaped up on her back like a sack of potatoes that the weight and worry is bearing down and wearing her down? Or is it that another one of her tracks leaked – a track way back from 2003, which, some say, could have been the first descent into Britney’s meltdown?
The song in question is called “Look Who’s Talking Now”, off of Brit’s ‘In the Zone’ album, and I’m assuming that it’s got absolutely nothing to do with John Travolta and/or Kirstie Alley and pell-mell sperm traveling up the birth canal, but hey. One never knows, now, do they. Here’s the song:
Oh wait, no. Sorry. I lied. My bad! Here y’all are:
The track features Britney’s signature heavy breathing and little-kid voice. And also, why do I feel like I’ve been exercising to this song for at least a year now? Has it come out before now, or is it just really that bad that it sounds literally like every other club song that Britney’s released in the past ten years? Finally, at the 1:27 mark, does she say “I’m pickled everyday”? Because that would really make so, so much sense after all this time.
And thank God for that. I mean, when she married Jason Alexander, did she even have a ring? I don’t think so. And then, later, when she married Kevin Federline, she was probably too busy looking at the selection of morphine lollipops and Colt 45 in her pantry. I’m sure, in that case, she probably didn’t even realize she had a ring until the divorce was finalized. This engagement? She knows, guys. She’s aware of it, on board with it, and she’s actually even Tweeting about it. This would probably not only confirm that she realizes what a ring on her finger means, but she’s showing it to us so that we, too understand the impact and reality of what’s happening right now, and that kind of impact? GOES DEEP. Check it out:
See, in recent photos, Britney’s been lucid, excited, and showing some actual, focused emotion in her normally dead eyes. She looks healthy and happy and like she’s finally starting to resemble a real person, not a poor, misunderstood shell of a child forced into show business by parents who wanted to make a quick buck off of her and their other kids – a shell of a child who finally cracked after twenty years of doing what everyone told her to do and acting how everyone told her to act. It’s come full circle, and I think Britney’s honestly starting to come into her own (whatever that may be, really) and if that meant having to go through the dark, vine-choked jungle of minor insanity in order to emerge from the other side victorious and with a ring from a normal dude, then really, who are we to judge? She’s done her time and she’s looking well, so I think we should really try our best to not bring her down. It’s not like she’s this bloated, washed up alcoholic who makes out with her boyfriend in public all of the time and spends all of her hard-earned singing money on Pina Coladas so that she can’t even afford a back-up pair of cheap, thin black leggings.
We can always look to the bright side in that case, can’t we?
This is so refreshing, seriously. I’m so glad that she’s not getting married (for the third time) in your traditional Hollywood wedding, complete with ice sculptures, unpronouncable hors d’oeuvres, sixty-five bridesmaids, drunken pre-wedding parties in Las Vegas, and televised specials that are done purely for financial gain. Awesome, right? Almost completely normal, considering all factors, you might say.
Also, not only is the soiree not even taking place in Hollywood, there’s more than likely no major celebrities that’ll be in attendance. This wedding’s going to be quite a gem, folks. No Hollywood glitz and glam this time around. Sources close to Britney claimed to In Touch that the wedding will be taking place in Britney’s hometown of Kentwood, Louisiana, and the menu will consist of down-home, regular-people food:
“She [Britney] wants a traditional Southern-style wedding with comfort food, surrounded by her family, her two sons and all of her childhood friends, as opposed to a Hollywood wedding. … Britney is taking this marriage really seriously.”
And I’m glad that she is taking this one seriously, really. Because what, aside from, like, a birth or a death, is to be taken more seriously than a marriage? And why even consider marrying someone who doesn’t even care about what basketball team where you’re going to be in five years, since they don’t intend on being around anyway? Why bother, really.
I just hope the “childhood friends” thing isn’t construed as an open invitation to all of Brit’s childhood friends, because I think it’d be awfully uncomfortable if that rascal Jason Alexander showed up, don’t you?
You remember Britney Spears‘ first husband, Jason Alexander, don’t you? They were married for a blissful 55 hours before the whole thing was annulled because Britney “lacked understanding of her actions to the extent that she was incapable of agreeing to the marriage,” and ever since then Jason has proved himself to be such an asshole. And, you guys, today isn’t any different.
“I know everyone wants me to be happy about this, but I am not. I think it’s fake and I think people are afraid to say it. If you look at all the pictures between them there is no connection. They look like they are going through the motions. It seems like a answer to the court thing. Sort of a nice way to sew it all up she marries her handler. That way she always has someone controlling her. It’s sort of sad.”
Oh no you just didn’t, Jason Alexander. You need, and I can’t believe I’m saying this, but you need to take a lesson from K-Fed on this one and be kind and hopeful for someone you supposedly used to love, and if you can’t that, then as Britney so eloquently told you once before, you can kiss her “lily white southern Louisiana ass.”
“I’m really happy for her—I think he’s a great guy. “She’s happy; she’s doing really well. I want to say she’s in a good place. I haven’t spoken to her much since I’ve been over here—both of us have been busy with her being on tour—but I do know from talking to the kids and talking to the kids’ teachers that they’re doing really good. It’s a good step in the right direction. I’m totally happy for her.”
“It was tough,” Kevin remarked about the ordeal. “I had to do what I had to do for the safety of our children. But at the same time, it tears my heart to pieces to watch your ex go through that, let alone watch anybody go through that. It’s horrible. It was a completely dramatic, depressing stage of my life that I’m so glad I’m over and get to leave behind. It was tough.”
And as for Britney’s future husand, Jason Trawick, K-Fed said that he “seems like a really good guy” and that “the kids speak highly of him and her family loves him.”
You guys, I’m going to let you in on something here: I’m crying right now. I am crying real tears because of words that Kevin Federline said. Is this real life? What’s happening to me? Am I alone in this? Am I crazy, or is Kevin actually starting to sound like an intelligent person?
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