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Bristol Palin

Quotables: Bristol Palin Isn’t Sorry For All That Reality TV

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“You’re going to talk about me if I’m in my little life in Alaska or if I’m in L.A., so I might as well just have fun with it. I just think that god provides opportunities like this, and you can either go out and do them or not do them.”

Bristol Palin on the recent announcement that she was chosen for the ‘Dancing With the Stars’ All-Star cast. Because, you know, people really, really care when her son’s got some new homophobic slurs that they need to hear, and to witness Bristol’s bad dancing and equally-bad parenting. Sure.

Thing is, Bristol? Here’s a little reality check—your mom’s no longer all that relevant, and you’re even less relevant than she, so no—people wouldn’t be talking about you if you were in Alaska because THEY’D FORGET ABOUT YOU. As it is, you’re in L.A., all up in people’s faces and televisions, and you’re a mockery to responsible young adults trying to make it on your own. You’re a joke and that’s why people are still talking about you.

Go away. Seriously.

Bristol Palin Is A Great Mom

If, for some strange reason, you find yourself not wanting to watch one minute and 38 seconds of Bristol Palin‘s parenting, let me summarize for you: Bristol takes her son, Tripp, with her to visit her sister, Willow. Tripp, who is four years old now (Bristol is 21, just so you know), is in that adorable “I hate you” stage that most children go through. Bristol tries to get him to stop saying it by telling him that God is watching him, but she starts laughing before she can finish. Tripp looks like he’s about to start a big ol’ hissy fit, and Bristol and Willow keep laughing. After another “I hate you,” Willow tells Tripp that if he doesn’t stop, she’s going to wash his mouth out with soap, and Tripp replies with “go away, you f-ggot.” Yeah. That’s still apparently funny to Bristol and Willow though, and then Bristol admits that she’s “doing a terrible job disciplining Tripp.” Right.

Look, I know that kids will hear bad words and repeat them, and I get that sometimes it’s kind of funny. But there’s a line, you know? One time, a kid that I was babysitting had apparently heard the word “shit” recently, and she kept repeating it. She’d just play with her toys and say it, over and over, and I explained to her that she shouldn’t be saying that word, but it was hard to keep a straight face when this tiny little toddler looked at me and exclaimed “shit! Shit!” But this other time, this other kid I was babysitting had heard someone say “adios, fat ass,” which is something that people say, I guess, and when she repeated that, it was definitely different. There was no laughter because what she was saying was mean, even though she didn’t know it, and there’s no chance that I was going to have any part in egging that on.

Babysitting is, I’m sure, a whole lot different than being a parent, but I can’t imagine watching your child call someone a f-ggot, especially when it’s clear that he has at least some grasp that the word is hurtful, and laughing. I would imagine that the conversation that would follow that would be a very serious one.

But hey, it’s not really that surprising that a Palin kid has homophobic slurs in his vocabulary, is it?

Everybody Hates Bristol Palin’s Reality Show

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Remember Bristol Palin was trying to cause a stir a few weeks back with her anti-gay speeches and condemnation of President Obama for actually, you know, taking the time to listen to his daughters and wife with some pretty important life advice and not treating them like personal property? Because I was right—she was definitely saying all that stuff to spur publicity for her new reality show, ‘Bristol Palin: Life’s a Tripp’. Which was aired on Lifetime. Who is apparently going down the tubes as we speak. Come on. Bristol Palin? Lindsay Lohan? Who’s next, LeAnn Rimes?

The show debuted last night, and media outlets all over the world are already claiming it to be complete and utter crap. Yay! Here’s a recap and review, courtesy of Yahoo!:

In the first episode, Bristol moves from Wasilla, Alaska to Los Angeles, allegedly to “show Tripp what’s out there.” (Because three-year-olds are so interested in the wider world.) She moves into a pre-fab Beverly Hills mansion and is joined by her 17-year-old sister Willow, who has come to help with the babysitting. The episode ends with an incident that was widely publicized during the show’s filming, in which Bristol goes out to a bar, rides a mechanical bull and gets in a fight with a heckler. The man calls her mother “a whore.” The following exchange in which Bristol concludes that he must be “a homosexual” did not air. (See the video here.)

The critics point out that Bristol’s parenting challenges aren’t quite the same as most people’s. Her childcare issues, writes Robert Lloyd in The Los Angles Times, “stem from not wanting to hire ‘some random baby-sitter,’ not from a lack of wherewithal.” Lloyd also points out that we see Bristol and Willow shop for groceries and clothing, “without Tripp…presumably looking after himself back at the mansion.” Lori Rackl of the Chicago Sun-Times notes that “The trio move into a Beverly Hills mansion where Bristol has to teach Tripp things like the difference between a bidet and a water fountain. No one said being a single mom was easy.”

Perhaps more disturbing for fans of the adorable, scene-stealing Tripp, Bristol’s son with her teenage-years boyfriend Levi Johnston, is the single mom’s willingness to torch Tripp’s dad on national television. Alessandra Stanley, reviewing the show in The New York Times, writes that “the show’s promos show Bristol putting Johnston’s memoir ‘Deer in the Headlights,’ on a range and firing at it with a rifle, saying, ‘This is for all the single moms.’” Stanley says that “Much of the narrative revolves around Bristol’s attempts to shame her ex-boyfriend into seeing his son.”

And if you thought this write-up was more toward “scathing” than “flattering,” this is what the New York Times had to say:

“That big sister-little sister dynamic [between Bristol and Willow] has some real-life resonance, but the “Teen Mom” poignancy is undercut by the palatial surroundings.”

And from the Washington Post:

“Even if you have a lasting grudge against all things Palin, there’s no payoff here. It’s a new low for anyone who makes the mistake of watching.”

And my personal favorite, from the Chicago Sun-Times:

“With the exception of the bull-ride-gone-bad scene, Bristol’s day-to-day life isn’t very interesting. Neither are the occasional shots where Sarah Palin pops up to offer homespun wisdom and maternal advice…. What we’re left with are Bristol and Willow shopping, squabbling and engaging in vapid conversations. In other words, the Alaskan Kardashians.”

Well. I guess we’re talking about some serious must-see TV here, guys. Would it be a crime against humanity if I actually tuned into the next episode? Because I’m kind of curious about this particular trainwreck-type thing that one of the most narrow-minded bitches in “Hollywood” wants to show us. You know. Just so I can mock it profusely.