Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Bridget Marquardt

Pictures from the Midsummer Night’s Dream Party at the Playboy Mansion, Just Because

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Their PR chick sent ‘em over, and some of them are pretty sexy. Except for the one Scott Baio’s in. But please check out the one of Shaq, whose right hand basically spans the length of some chick’s torso.

I was just thinking about this tonight. You know, I’m tired of people saying there’s no way to tell how big a guy’s penis is until you get his pants off. There’s pretty much a direct relationship between hand/foot size and penis size. Like, I’d say you can predict with about 95% certainty how large a guy’s penis is going to be by checking out the size of his hands. Why isn’t this more common knowledge? Why are girls always like, “It’s so unfair, they know how big our tits are, but we don’t know how big their penises are.” Yes you do. Look at his hands. Here’s my theory: The media is predominately run by men with small hands.

Why Natural Lighting Is Evil

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This is why we must all eschew any and all photo sessions that occur in the great outdoors.  Bridget Marquardt, Hef’s ex-girl next door, was a guest at last night’s Give and Get Fete, an event that supports Dress for Success.  The sun was cruel … as cruel as the hairstylist that keeps her looking like Washed Up Barbie.

Denise Richards appeared too, and I don’t know how I’ve never noticed this before, but she has a touch of the crazy eyes.  Tatyana Ali, best known for being on Fresh Prince of Bel-Air showed up as did a very skinny Guiliana Rancic.

Finally, Chelsea Handler learned a valuable lesson:  Skinny jeans are a privilege and not one that she’s earned.

Hugh Hefner Gives Former Girlfriends Relationship Advice. Yikes!

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Hugh Hefner continues to wax philosophical about the Girls Next Door.  For real, I don’t think the twins are working out too well for him since his attention still seem so focused on Kendra, Bridget and Holly.  I’m totally over that show, why isn’t he?

In a People interview, Hef says that rebounds are the way to go and marriage, for all intents and purposes, sucks.

About Holly: My conviction has always been, being an romantic, that the best solution for a failed romance is a new romance.

About Bridget: The major problem for her, quite frankly, is that she’s not here a lot. She’s got this wonderful dream job for the Travel Channel (Bridget’s Sexiest Beaches), she’s wandering the globe. We’ll see how that plays out, whether she’s really contemplating making this more serious.

About Kendra: I’ve been very lucky in romance, but not expert in marriage (two divorces).  They are two separate things. What happens traditionally in a marriage is, of course, a marriage turns into parenthood and the affection is kind of transferred to the children. She picked very well, I think he adores her, I think she really loves him. What they have to get over is they come from very different backgrounds. If love conquers all, it’ll conquer them.

Poor Hugh!  I’m more convinced than ever that he hasn’t been taking his Ginkgo biloba for he surely would have remembered that no one cares what he thinks about the girls, their relationships or the weather, for that matter.  The end.

Bridget’s Widget, Just Because Bridget Rhymes with Widget

Hi. I’m exhausted. I spent the evening babysitting a friend’s 3-month-old baby. Then I came home and took my birth control pill. I completely and totally love this little girl, but babies are SO EXHAUSTING. I have never been with anything that required that much constant attention, with the possible exception of the erection of a much older man I once dated. Truly, I don’t know how mothers do it all day every day. You guys are hard core. Olympic marathoners have absolutely nothing on full-time mothers, I’m convinced now. That shit really is the hardest job in the world.

So whatever I come home and I’m trying to think of shit to write about and I’m tired through to my bones after just 2.5 hours alone with an infant, and some PR chick has sent me an email called “Bridget Widget.” I laughed like I’d just smoked a shitload of weed. (I did not just smoke a shitload of weed.) But it’s this stupid widget about Bridget Marquardt’s new TV show on the Travel Channel. I’m posting it here because I like Bridget, I think she’s good people, and her name rhymes with “widget,” and, really, a person should be able to capitalize on something like that. Plus it’s an easy post. BLOGS ARE EASIER THAN BABIES.

Bridget Marquardt Is Back!!

Oh, my sweet, precious Bridget!!!!

How exciting to have you back on my TV set again. Although I will never be watching you new show about beaches, it is reassuring to know that it exists.

Here’s a teaser for Bridget’s new show, Bridget’s Sexiest Beaches, which will be airing on the Travel Channel. It appears to involve cameos by Holly Madison and Sara Jean Underwood, among others.

Bridget’s Got a New Dude!

Bridget Marquardt and New Boyfriend Nick Carpenter Pictures Photos

Awww, she looks so happy and gorgeous and radiant!

I’m just delighted for her!

Bridget Marquardt debuted her new man — 29-year-old director Nick Carpenter — on the Grammy red carpet last night. Nick directed her in the upcoming thriller The Telling (which I’m sure is a cinematic masterpiece), and they’ve been a couple since October.

“I really haven’t dated in so long,” she said. “I feel like I’m in high school again.”

She really looks so in love. I’m genuinely happy for her, but I’m also really jealous. I know I haven’t complained about this recently, but sometimes it bothers me that everyone else on the planet seems to have no trouble at all moving from loving relationship to loving relationship, and I’ve been single, oh, forever. I’m a nice person! I have a good personality! And great tits! Why can’t I fall in love, too?

I Thought This Happened Months Ago

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Bridget Marquardt, the last of the Girls Next Door disbanded bunnies, has left the manse.  I have to admit that the extent of my GND experience revolves around being drunk and watching a marathon of it because I was too out of it to find the remote.  I couldn’t figure out why Hugh Hefner had the Barker Beauties at his house.  Of what I do remember, I’m pretty sure Bridget was the kinda mellow, boring one…right?

Either way, she has moved out of the Playboy Mansion.  I thought that happened months ago when the other two bimbettes left.  Nope, she has just packed up her stuff and now she’s , and this is a quote from US Magazine, “a gypsie”.  Not a gypsy; A gypsie.  Looks like this editor got a new job with US.

Other than that, she’s looking forward to being single for the first time.  When she gets her own hutch, she plans on installing a trapeze and a stripper pole.  Nothing sexual she claims; it will just be for working out.