In an excerpt from her new book, Drinking & Tweeting and Other Brandi Blunders, our favorite reality show star, Brandi Glanvillle, talked subjects like “rejuvenating” her vagina, how Eddie waffled between her and LeAnn from the early beginnings of his affair, and what the end result of all the cheating was.
About her vagina, Brandi said:
I decided that since Eddie had ruined my vagina for me, he could pay for a new one. I gave [the doctor's office] Eddie’s credit card number. This pretty intense surgery had an even more intense price tag: $12,000. A brand-new vagina would be an Eddie-free vagina.
And prior to purging Eddie from her ladyparts, she discussed what it was like finding out that her husband had an affair with the one, the only—LeAnn Rimes:
I’m not entirely sure how I ended up on the floor of my closet sobbing … a teary-eyed Eddie found me lying there. Minutes later, and without saying so much as a word, he started kissing me all over … and we started having sex right there. He swore up and down my body that it wasn’t true … that it was completely innocent. In that moment, it was easier to believe him, because I just couldn’t stand the thought of being without him.
Later in the book, it was revealed how Eddie and LeAnn’s behavior immediately changed after coming clean about the affair, and Brandi also addressed a cake frosting incident that happened at one of the new couple’s first public appearances together:
LeAnn had ‘accidentally’ smeared some cake frosting on her top (she was still a bigger girl and completely flat-chested at the time) and asked my husband, not realizing that I was standing behind the both of them, if he wanted lick it off her. This woman asked my husband if he wanted to eat the frosting mess she’d dropped on her nonexistent chest? He hadn’t realized I was there, either, and he laughed with hungry eyes at the suggestion.
Last, Brandi talked about how the affair had sent her into a “tail-spin” that ultimately resulted in a DUI arrest:
[Eddie] promised he would never marry LeAnn, but that was just one of the countless lies he told me. … I was a jobless, homeless, mother of two living out of her $1,200-a-month SUV and couch-surfing from one hospitable friend to the next. After my divorce — even with the help of Lexapro — I fell into a bit of a tailspin [and an eventual DUI arrest]. … White wine became my constant shoulder to lean on.
Gosh, guys. The more I hear about Brandi Glanville and her side of the story, the more I pity her. I mean, it’s crazy. I pity her for more reasons than I pity LeAnn Rimes, and though I pity LeAnn Rimes for an entirely different array of causes, it’s still quite a bit. What a f-cking hot mess of a situation, you know? I love it so, so much.
January 30, 2013 at 7:30 am by Sarah
Oh LeAnn Rimes. It’s probably so, so hard to be you. Brandi Glanville always hovering about and making sure you’re not accidentally feeding her children laxatives, being bullied because you stole a lady’s husband … I can’t even imagine the trials and tribulations you must have to endure on a daily basis for being a completely innocent, delicate little flower of a woman.
Don’t worry, though, girl. One day, you’ll have it all: you’ll have a man who loves you and respects you for you and not your bank account, a few little rugrats of your own to whom you can mistakenly feed Ex-Lax, and the self-respect that goes along with being an upstanding, decisive woman who doesn’t walk all over people and doesn’t let people walk all over her, either. It’ll be there one day, girl, so just keep on keeping on and clutching at your creepy friend, Lizzy. Not because, you know, the Lizzy thing’s going to make any difference, but because it’s mildly entertaining in a scary sort of way. That’s all.
January 29, 2013 at 9:30 am by Sarah
“She can go f-ck herself! Well, she has to, because who would want to?”
But ok, this is getting weird. Because we’re in this space now where both Brandi and LeAnn keep talking about each other, and then they keep talking about how the other woman won’t stop talking about her. It’s starting to get a little confusing. I feel like the next time we see LeAnn do an interview, she’s going to talk about Brandi because Brandi won’t stop talking about her talking about her talking about her. This cycle can be endless, and it just needs to stop.
By the way though, Brandi said that little thing about LeAnn at a recent book signing – her book, of course, mentions LeAnn. She also had something to say about Eddie and LeAnn’s affair:
“I did everything right. I loved so hard. I loved my children and my family was perfect. I did everything I could do for him and the boys and to make him not want to stray. So, when it happened, especially with someone as attractive as her…”
I’m sorry, it’s getting a little too catty in here. If you need to take a break, I understand.
Anyway, Brandi also said that when she’s done promoting her book, “I promise I’m closing this chapter of my life.” And I think that’s really, really unlikely, but I guess we can all dream, right?
January 29, 2013 at 5:30 am by Emily
I would say he’s a nine. I was with him for 13 years. I wouldn’t stay if it wasn’t, like, a total package. … He, at this point, [however] … I care about him as the father of my children … [but] even if we’re in the same room, he makes my skin crawl.
OK, taking the whole cheating thing out of this equation, because Eddie and LeAnn both are disgusting human beings in their own very special ways for doing what they did, and going about it in the way that … well, they did, there’s still something of importance that we need to address, OK?
We need to address just how … how … I don’t know how else to say this other than “anti-feminist” … it is that Brandi Glanville and LeAnn Rimes could be so pathetic to talk about what a sex god Eddie Cibrian is, in spite of everything that’s happened. I can’t even take it. It seriously puts a lump in my throat, and it’s not welled-up emotion that’s in there, guys—it’s f-cking bile. It’s the shit that gives me heartburn, and before any of you go ahead and say, “Well, Sarah, that doesn’t seem to be all that healthy, getting acid indigestion from three people who have no bearing on your life whatsoever,” I’m going to address that part right now: see, I have to share a f-cking planet with all of you people, and I’m sorry, but I have certain expectations. Like not being pathetic wretches who publicly battle for the same flaccid, overworked penis, and then worship said penis for years to come, even when one of those wretches “loses.” Right about now, Eddie Cibrian probably thinks he’s just God’s gift to trashy women the world over, and I’m sorry, but that bothers me in a big way.
Also, can I secretly hope that LeAnn Rimes looks at these photos (whether on this website or another) of Eddie and Brandi and it makes her nuts? Is that one of those horrible-person things to do? Because I’m going to do it anyway. These three people, guys. I don’t even know anymore.
January 23, 2013 at 7:30 am by Sarah
From Radar Online:
Brandi Glanville, appearing on Monday night’s edition of Watch What Happens Live, called LeAnn Rimes “insane” in reference to the singer’s latest tell-all interview.
Brandi implied LeAnn’s been crying wolf with her cavalcade of emotional, no-holds-barred interviews – the latest with Entertainment Tonight, in which she discussed her fears of losing husband Eddie Cibrian, and her stint in rehab for stress and anxiety.
“Everyday there’s a tell-all,” Brandi said. “It’s kind of cray-cray!”
Host Andy Cohen asked Brandi about rumors that Eddie, a modestly successful TV actor, had hooked on to LeAnn as a Sugar-Mama.
“It’s true, yeah,” Brandi said, confirming that Eddie had always wanted to live in a big house in an affluent community – two wishes the How Do I Live singer has been able to grant with her wealth.
Fellow guest star Hoda Kotb chimed in with the adage that the “way you got him is the way you’ll lose him,” a reference to how Eddie was married to Brandi at the time he hooked up with LeAnn.
Asked point blank if she though LeAnn was insane, Brandi said, “Insane? Yes I do!”
Brandi said she knows LeAnn religiously watches her antics on The Real Housewives Of Beverly Hills, recalling how her son Jake saw Andy on TV and said, “That’s [LeAnn's] favorite show!”
“I hope LeAnn will come on!” Andy said.
The jury remains to be seen on that: During the broadcast, LeAnn took to Twitter to (presumably) respond to Brandi, writing, “Wow the texts from my friend. KISSES and KMA,” as in, “Kiss My A**.”
First, let me say: anytime I hear someone use the non-word “cray-cray,” I want to punch a puppy in the face. Wait, no; that’s not right. Anytime I hear someone use the non-word “cray-cray,” I want to punch them in the face. That’s much, much better, and much more accurate, too.
Second? I’m very much Team Brandi (just by default, though; it’s not like I like the silly bitch or anything), but if she wants to keep her sanity-cred, then maybe—just maybe—she should also shut her mouth about LeAnn, too. It’s like, let LeAnn do LeAnn, because everyone knows that LeAnn is completely batshit crazy. Everyone knows that LeAnn’s got a bunch of screws loose up there, rattling around and damaging other parts from the constant rumble. Nuts, nuts, nuts. Talking about how nuts someone is won’t make them less nuts, you know?
And last? Can you even imagine what it’s going to be like if and when Eddie cheats on LeAnn? Oh my God, the fur is going to absolutely f-cking fly. I can’t even picture what LeAnn’s face would look like upon hearing the news, or worse, what LeAnn’s face would look like after hearing that the public heard the news. It’s just too much to bear.
I can’t wait.
January 22, 2013 at 10:30 am by Sarah
Ok Im super excited my kids are moving into a mansion but I want to throw up in my mouth and swallow it- having to hear about it :) … It’s making me a little sick.
—Brandi Glanville, from Twitter, on the news that LeAnn Rimes bought a “vacation mansion” in Cabo San Lucas for her and her ill-gotten family (?) to live in.
LeAnn later Tweeted this:
Oh the bulls**t! Laughing.
Will the drama never end, guys? (I’ll answer that for you: I sure as shit hope not.)