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Anderson Cooper

Anderson Cooper Wants You To Know That ‘The Bachelor’ Isn’t Real

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In “no duh” news of the day, Anderson Cooper has warned viewers that The Bachelor is fake during an episode of Anderson Cooper Live.

“Can somebody please explain to me why anyone: A) Watches this show, and B) Thinks this is real? Haven’t we learned that this is just fake? These people don’t stay together, they don’t even last together for the reunion show. This show, I just don’t understand.”

No shit, Sherlock. Next thing you’re going to tell me that Anne Hathaway is annoying or that chocolate cake is the best dessert. Some things are just known. No one watches The Bachelor because they’re a pure romantic and wants to see true love play out before their very eyes, they watch it for the LOLZ and the guarantee that there’ll be at least one crazy bitch on per season that’ll make it all worthwhile.

This season hasn’t disappointed, either. Girl, have you seen Tierra? She is an absolute nutcase and I love her so much (and was devastated – spoiler alert! – when she left this week). Hilariously, this news story is the gift that keeps on giving because Tierra is actually engaged to some bro she was dating before she filmed the show. He apparently realised when she left to film the show that he had strong feelings for her, so he put a ring on it. I’m devastated, because now she won’t be the next Bachelorette. RIP, Tierra’s TV career.

Kathy Griffin Isn’t Sorry for Acting Like a Ho on National Television

photo of kathy griffin letterman cnn anderson cooper pictures
Wait, you missed that Kathy Griffin acted like a ho on national television? Because, oh, yeah: Kathy Griffin acted like a ho on national television. Thought you knew.

No, Kathy appeared with David Letterman last night, and when David insinuated that he wanted to discuss Kathy’s blowjob simulation, she had this to say:

“If you think this is the part where I’m going to apologise for trying to go down on Anderson Cooper you are sorely mistaken. I tried, ladies and gays, I tried for you.”

So, alright. Just when you thought it was safe to say that Kathy Griffin couldn’t get any less classless than she already is, she goes and exhibits another level of classlessness by trying to defend her weird, live-televised behavior.

On another note, Anderson Cooper hasn’t made any kind of public statements about Kathy’s attempt at “trying” to give Anderson Cooper CNN-head. Go figure.

Kathy Griffin Acts Like a Ho on National Television

photo of kathy griffin giving anderson cooper head on tv pictures
Hey, Happy Belated New Year! Did you guys watch the ball drop this past Monday night? Gosh, I didn’t even make it to 10:30 this year, but I guess when you have the stomach flu, that’s to be expected. I spent more time in the bathroom this weekend than really anywhere else, so when I heard that Kathy Griffin was all but fellating Anderson Cooper on CNN, I felt really, really good about where I’d virtually rung in the New Year.

Reportedly, Kathy thought it’d be cute and funny to pretend to go down on Anderson while they attempted to talk about the holiday. It all started off by Kathy threatening to “tickle” Anderson’s “sack,” to which an embarrassed Anderson giggled nervously. Kathy responded that saying the word “sack” on national television was completely OK, and immediately after the ball dropped (no pun intended), Kathy repeatedly kissed Anderson’s crotch area (again, for the world to see) as the citizens of Eastport, Maine, kissed a statue of a sardine as per tradition. Her defense? She was kissing her own sardine statue. You know. No big deal.

In short? Kathy Griffin is a lewd, crude bitch who is only funny in certain circles, and I don’t know how—at all—people could really consider putting her on live television. It’s not like it’s the first time that she’s gone and pulled stunts like this. Did she strip down to her bra and underwear last year on the New Year’s show, also alongside Anderson Cooper? Because she definitely did.

Thank God for stomach flus.

Updated: here’s a video—