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American Idol

2It’s Time to Pretend Like We Care About American Idol Again

A photo of Nicki Minaj

After a big mess of speculation and lies and false hope (Kanye was never even in the running, was he, you cruel dream-crushers?), the good (?) people over at American Idol have finally finalized the judges panel for the upcoming twelfth season. Are you excited? Well, try, all right?

First is dear Mariah Carey, whose spot was officially announced months ago. This one shouldn’t be a surprise, because what else does Mariah have to do these days, besides tend to dem babies? Her presence should be fun though. I think she’ll be interesting to watch.

Second is Old Faithful, Randy Jackson. He’s been there since the beginning, and he’ll be there till the end. At one point, producers wanted Enrique Iglesias instead, but in the end, they went with Randy. Which is great, because I honestly have no idea what else Randy Jackson does.

Third, and here is where it starts to get interesting, is Nicki Minaj. This decision is definitely my favorite, because Nicki is a crazy bitch, and I think it will be really funny/embarrassing to see her try to make everything all about her. Can’t you just see her going into one of her alternate personalities while some really talented kid is experiencing her one shot at fame? Ugh. Also, you know the diva antics between her and Mariah will be insane. Yeah, I’m kind of looking forward to this one.

Oh, and the fourth judge is Keith Urban. You know, because … I don’t know. Because country music. Whatever.

Are you psyched or what?

September 16, 2012 at 10:00 am by Emily

3Sources: Kanye West Wants In On American Idol

photo of kanye west on american idol pictures
In news that makes me want to open a vein, Kanye West is allegedly angling for a judges position on this upcoming season of American Idol. Dear God in Live Television Hell.

From TMZ:

Kanye West is negotiating with producers to become an “American Idol” judge … TMZ has learned.

Sources close to the production tell TMZ, “Idol” honchos reached out to Kanye recently about filling one of the open judging spots … and Kanye expressed interest.

But that doesn’t mean he’s on board — we’re told Yeezy is still unsure about accepting the gig. The way it was put to us … “He’s on the fence,” because he’s not sure if “A.I.” is in his wheelhouse.

And there’s another big hang up — cash. Informed sources tell TMZ … “Idol” would “at least match Mariah’s salary” — a cool $18 mil a year.

Now, see, I thought Mariah Carey was bad. And then I heard that Nicki Minaj was a good possibility for the show, which made me cringe all over again. And now Kanye? What, are they trying to make sure that the new season’s cast is comprised of the most obnoxious characters in today’s pop culture? All they need is Kim Kardashian (who’ll be there in spirit, and often in a physical presence if Kanye’s on board), Jennifer Aniston, Justin Bieber, Lea Michele, Snooki, and Will Smith rapping the ‘Fresh Prince’ again, and American Idol‘s producers have a veritable cornucopia of things that make me want to jam a hot poker in both of my eyes simultaneously.

And that kind of timing takes talent, guys. Believe it.

August 21, 2012 at 5:30 pm by Sarah

0Nicki Minaj Is Coming to American Idol, Mariah Carey Is Displeased

A photo of Nicki Minaj and Mariah Carey

Nicki Minaj hasn’t officially signed on to be the newest judge on American Idol, mind you, but it’s apparently not that far off. Everyone, including People, is reporting that she’s in negotiations to join on for next season. And I … well, I’m not sure how I feel about that. It seems sort of odd because Nicki is still relatively new to the game, she doesn’t need to revive her career like Jennifer Lopez or Steven Tyler or Mariah Carey or essentially anyone else who has ever been a judge on American Idol. Plus, she gets on my nerves so bad, and I’m really not looking forward to hearing so much more about her. Oh, and she’s also bananas. But good choice?

According to Idol‘s other new judge, no, not so much. And as for the other new judges, well, who even knows what’s going on with that:

Nicki Minaj may well become a judge on “American Idol,” but it will be at the expense of Mariah Carey, who we’re told hung up the phone when she was told Nicki was the top candidate.

Sources connected with “Idol” tell TMZ … Mariah was led to believe she would be the only woman on the judge’s panel.  Choosing Nicki would not only crush that expectation, it would add insult to injury because Nicki (29) is a lot younger than Mariah (42).

As for the composition of the judge’s panel, we’re told by no means is it a done deal.  There are 2 scenarios being played out.  First, it’s unclear if Randy Jackson will come back as a judge or a mentor.  If he leaves the judge’s panel, there will be another spot to fill.

The second scenario … we’re told some of the honchos believe it’s a mistake to have 2 women and a man on the panel, and a 4th male judge would be necessary.

As for who’s still in the running, we’re told Brad Paisley, Keith Urban and Enrique Iglesias are leading the pack.

And there’s one other thing.  Sources connected with the show say they’re worried … if the judge’s end up being Mariah, Nicki and Randy … middle America might not welcome the blackout.

You know, now that I’ve had some time to mull it over, Nicki and Mariah might be a pretty good match. They can both be catty divas, and wouldn’t it be great to see two catty divas competing for the spotlight on a show where they’re not supposed to have the spotlight? And then Randy could hang out and do his awkward laugh, and maybe Enrique could be on the other side, talking quietly about his tiny penis. Yes, this might be a very good idea after all.

August 21, 2012 at 7:30 am by Emily

15It’s Official: Mariah Carey Will Be on American Idol

A photo of Mariah Carey

In the greatest news since the invention of news, Mariah Carey is officially the newest American Idol judge. We discussed this over the weekend, and I honestly thought that it would never happen, that the rumor that Mariah was close to signing a contract was just meant to get some buzz going about the show, but thankfully, I was wrong.

The announcement was made at the Television Critics Association summer press tour, and Mariah called in because the contract had been finalized just hours before. Here’s what she had to say:

“I am so excited to be joining Idol. First of all, I wanted to be there today and I wish I could’ve been there to tell you, but I think you know this all kind of just happened real quickly, so I can’t wait to get started in a couple months.”

Yes. Just yes.

July 23, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Emily

8Mariah Carey And Her Cameltoe Are Coming to American Idol

A photo of Mariah Carey

Guys, LOL, hey guys! Remember these pictures of Mariah Carey and her labia? LOL!

But anyway, you know how Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler just quit their judging jobs on American Idol? And remember how X-Factor landed Britney f-cking Spears for their new panel of judges? Well, now that I’ve jogged your memory, it’s pretty obvious to see why American Idol needs to step up their game and hire a massively famous new judge pretty soon, right?

From MTV:

Mariah Carey’s songs might officially be off-limits on ”American Idol”: The diva is reportedly finalizing her contract to become a judge on the singing competition.

According to Deadline, if Carey’s deal goes through, she will earn more than $17 million for one season — eclipsing Britney Spears’ reported $15 million paycheck for “X Factor.”

After last week’s ”Idol” judging shakeup, which saw Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler head for the exits after two years on the job, Carey was one of the first names rumored to be in the running. The superstar’s hubby, Nick Cannon, wasn’t sure at the time whether “Idol” had deep enough pockets. “I don’t know if they can afford Mariah Carey,” Cannon told TMZ on Sunday. “That’s a lot of money.”

Well, looks like “Idol” might have come through. This isn’t the first time Mimi has been rumored as the next “Idol” judge. In 2010, the songstress was reportedly considered for the 10th season after the show originally passed on J.Lo.

If Carey is officially onboard, one big question remains: Who will sit next to her? There’s been no word so far about whether lone remaining judge Randy Jackson will stick around for season 12, but Us Weekly reported last week that he is considering a lateral move from judge to mentor on the show.

While everyone from Nicki Minaj to Katy Perry has been proposed as Carey’s possible seatmates, one person has thrown her own name in the ring: Aretha Franklin. In an email to CNN, the 70-year-old Queen of Soul expressed some R-E-S-P-E-C-T for “Idol,” saying she’d like to come onboard for the 12th season. And according to the news outlet, she wouldn’t want to come alone, suggesting Patti LaBelle join her and “Idol” vet Jackson.

Man, between that Scientology channel and this, I’m going to have to get cable real soon. Do you remember how crazy Mariah was on QVC? She’d be an unstoppable train of fabulousness and insanity on something as big as Idol then, wouldn’t she?

Seriously, just think: Mariah Carey, Aretha Franklin, and Patti LaBelle. Why hasn’t this already been confirmed? Actually, why hasn’t this happened years ago?

July 21, 2012 at 1:00 pm by Emily

1Everyone Is Leaving American Idol Again

A photo of Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler

Do you remember the feeling that you had when Paula Abdul left American Idol? It was this cold, empty feeling, like your soul was just starting to realize that it would never again be whole. And there were a couple of years that sort of blurred by with Kara DioGuardi and Ellen DeGeneres, and you watched just to fill the void, but you knew that you could never feel that magical feeling that you felt before. It hurt, but you found solace in the knowledge that nothing could ever hurt as much as this. But then Simon left, and wow. Just wow. “This is it,” you thought to yourself. “This is the end. This is the place where love and hope and happiness come to die and where nothingness sets in.”

But then Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler joined up, and things were … ok. Their first season was all right, and their second season was better. You thought “maybe I can do this. Maybe I can open myself up again.”

WRONG.

Steven Tyler is officially gone, and here’s his glorious statement:

“After some long…hard…thoughts…I’ve decided it’s time for me to let go of my mistress ‘American Idol’ before she boils my rabbit,” said Tyler. “I strayed from my first love, AEROSMITH, and I’m back – but instead of begging on my hands and knees, I’ve got two fists in the air and I’m kicking the door open with my band. The next few years are going to be dedicated to kicking some serious ass – the ultimate in auditory takeover…On Nov. 6, we are unleashing our new album, Music from Another Dimension on the Earth, Moon, Mars, and way beyond the stars…IDOL was over-the-top fun, and I loved every minute of it…Now it’s time to bring Rock Back. ERMAHGERD.”

ERMAHGERD, CLASSIC.  I’m going to miss that crazy, creepy son of a bitch.

Jennifer Lopez, meanwhile, has been hinting at her departure from Idol for a few months now. She was on the Today show yesterday though, and it sounds like she should be making an official announcement any day now:

“I’ve loved it so much. I’ve enjoyed the show so much. I enjoy just the whole process of the show … It’s a tough decision either way, but I have to say there are so many things I do that I put on hold for that,” Lopez, 42, said. “It’s a heartbreaking decision if I have to go.”

She also said that while she loves everyone on the show,  ”I am thinking it’s time for me to go and do other things I love to do.”

There’s also been talk that poor Randy will be let go so that Idol can have a completely fresh start. Possible ideas for new judges include Charlie Sheen, Adam Lambert, Miley Cyrus, Katy Perry, Nicki Minaj, will.i.am., and Fergie. Katy Perry has already turned the job down, but Charlie Sheen told TMZ that he would be down if the price was right and if he new show, Anger Management said it was ok.

So who’s looking forward to this next season, huh?

July 13, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily