Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Amber Portwood

Amber Portwood Is Going to Prison for Five Years

A photo of Amber Portwood

When we last checked in on Amber Portwood, Teen Mom and ne’er-do-well, the news was that she was probably going to jail for two years. But that was way back in December, and a lot of things have happened since then, so we’re going to have to do a little bit of catching up before we get to this latest news, ok?

Back in January, Amber was sentenced to five years in prison for drug charges, but she was able to make a deal that would allow her to avoid prison altogether if she completed a rehabilitation program. Part of the deal was that Amber had to live in a halfway house for up to three years and get a job – so no Teen Mom for her. But the halfway house she was set to go to decided that they didn’t want her around, so she got one of Lindsay‘s classic ankle bracelets. A couple of weeks after that, Amber – surprise! – failed a drug test when she refused to produce a sample. She didn’t have to go back to jail, but she had to write a 500 word essay on her “responsibilities as a drug court participant,” because apparently the court system in Indiana is a lot like middle school.

A couple of months passed by uneventfully, but in May, she had to go back to jail after she missed a court appointment. Amber’s excuse? She had gallbladder surgery, and her doctor told her that she needed to stay in bed for three weeks, so she couldn’t make it. Everyone called “bullshit” on that one, then they called her doctor, who explained that while she did actually have the surgery, she was totally able to make it to court. But she was released from jail once again, and went back to the terms of the rehabilitation program.

But then – here’s where it gets good – Amber got sick of the rehab and requested to be sent to prison. She told the judge that she’ll always be a “bad girl,” and that she’d been doing drugs throughout the program.

And that brings us to today:

“Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood has been sentenced to five long years in the big house … again — after asking an Indiana judge to reimpose her sentence, stemming from a December drug arrest.

Portwood was in court this morning when the judge reimposed the sentence. Her attorney asked for leniency, but the judge was unmoved … insisting he had no choice but to enforce the terms of Amber’s plea agreement.

Portwood’s five-year prison sentence was previously stayed on the condition she complete a drug rehabilitation program — but as we first reported, Portwood gave up on the program … and asked to go to prison instead.

The judge said he would refer Amber to the Indiana Department of Corrections therapeutic community program — an incarceration-based treatment program.

Portwood will be given credit for time served in jail.

And that’s the long, sordid tale about Amber Portwood, and how she’s going to spend the next few years.

Amber Portwood Is Probably Going to Jail for Two Years

A photo of Amber Portwood

Amber from Teen Mom has had a really rough year. For starters, she went to jail for hitting her boyfriend and neglecting her daughter, she tried to kill herself, and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and dissociative disorder. Things were looking up for a hot minute earlier this week when the protective order keeping Amber from seeing her daughter was lifted, but now, just a few days later, it looks like Amber has violated pretty much every single one of her terms of probation.

TMZ has a list of those violations:

– “Failure to behave well in society” — namely, drinking too much and hitting a person at a restaurant last month
– Failure to obtain a GED
– Failure to complete 6 months of anger control evaluation and classes
– Failure to pay probation fees
– Failure to set up a $10,000 college fund for her baby daughter

So basically Amber can’t do anything right. Seriously, she had to go to some classes, get a GED, and make some payments. It’s not like she’s poor. Also, one of her rules was that she had to “behave well in society.” Someone told her to be a good girl out in public so she wouldn’t have to go to jail for two years, and she just said “nah, I’m just gonna punch this chick at the IHOP.” That’s how this whole thing is going down.

Man, some people

Quotables: Amber Portwood Talks Kim Kardashian

A photo of Amber Portwood

“I don’t think anyone was surprised. I mean it is heartbreaking, but Kim and Kris are like Gary [Shirley] and me. Total opposites. One is a diva and the other is a down-home guy.”

- Amber Portwood compares her relationship with good ol’ Gary to the relationship between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.

Can we get Amber a job as a guest blogger? Or could someone give her a job on The View or something? I never would have guessed, but after this little snippet and some imagination, I figure that there’s probably not anyone else I’d rather hear report on some gossip than the trainwreck that is Amber Portwood. Can you think of anyone? I’m open to suggestions here.

Additionally, when E! asked Amber who was the diva, her or Gary, she responded with “Well, Janice Dickinson told me I’m a diva, so I guess I’d have to say I’m the diva.” And that’s how you pull together a Teen Mom, a Kardashian, and the always marvelous Janice Dickinson to form a new holy trinity of trashy fabulousity.