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Amber Portwood

Amber Portwood Is Going to Prison for Five Years

A photo of Amber Portwood

When we last checked in on Amber Portwood, Teen Mom and ne’er-do-well, the news was that she was probably going to jail for two years. But that was way back in December, and a lot of things have happened since then, so we’re going to have to do a little bit of catching up before we get to this latest news, ok?

Back in January, Amber was sentenced to five years in prison for drug charges, but she was able to make a deal that would allow her to avoid prison altogether if she completed a rehabilitation program. Part of the deal was that Amber had to live in a halfway house for up to three years and get a job – so no Teen Mom for her. But the halfway house she was set to go to decided that they didn’t want her around, so she got one of Lindsay‘s classic ankle bracelets. A couple of weeks after that, Amber – surprise! – failed a drug test when she refused to produce a sample. She didn’t have to go back to jail, but she had to write a 500 word essay on her “responsibilities as a drug court participant,” because apparently the court system in Indiana is a lot like middle school.

A couple of months passed by uneventfully, but in May, she had to go back to jail after she missed a court appointment. Amber’s excuse? She had gallbladder surgery, and her doctor told her that she needed to stay in bed for three weeks, so she couldn’t make it. Everyone called “bullshit” on that one, then they called her doctor, who explained that while she did actually have the surgery, she was totally able to make it to court. But she was released from jail once again, and went back to the terms of the rehabilitation program.

But then – here’s where it gets good – Amber got sick of the rehab and requested to be sent to prison. She told the judge that she’ll always be a “bad girl,” and that she’d been doing drugs throughout the program.

And that brings us to today:

“Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood has been sentenced to five long years in the big house … again — after asking an Indiana judge to reimpose her sentence, stemming from a December drug arrest.

Portwood was in court this morning when the judge reimposed the sentence. Her attorney asked for leniency, but the judge was unmoved … insisting he had no choice but to enforce the terms of Amber’s plea agreement.

Portwood’s five-year prison sentence was previously stayed on the condition she complete a drug rehabilitation program — but as we first reported, Portwood gave up on the program … and asked to go to prison instead.

The judge said he would refer Amber to the Indiana Department of Corrections therapeutic community program — an incarceration-based treatment program.

Portwood will be given credit for time served in jail.

And that’s the long, sordid tale about Amber Portwood, and how she’s going to spend the next few years.

Amber Portwood Is Probably Going to Jail for Two Years

A photo of Amber Portwood

Amber from Teen Mom has had a really rough year. For starters, she went to jail for hitting her boyfriend and neglecting her daughter, she tried to kill herself, and she was diagnosed with bipolar disorder and dissociative disorder. Things were looking up for a hot minute earlier this week when the protective order keeping Amber from seeing her daughter was lifted, but now, just a few days later, it looks like Amber has violated pretty much every single one of her terms of probation.

TMZ has a list of those violations:

– “Failure to behave well in society” — namely, drinking too much and hitting a person at a restaurant last month
– Failure to obtain a GED
– Failure to complete 6 months of anger control evaluation and classes
– Failure to pay probation fees
– Failure to set up a $10,000 college fund for her baby daughter

So basically Amber can’t do anything right. Seriously, she had to go to some classes, get a GED, and make some payments. It’s not like she’s poor. Also, one of her rules was that she had to “behave well in society.” Someone told her to be a good girl out in public so she wouldn’t have to go to jail for two years, and she just said “nah, I’m just gonna punch this chick at the IHOP.” That’s how this whole thing is going down.

Man, some people

Quotables: Amber Portwood Talks Kim Kardashian

A photo of Amber Portwood

“I don’t think anyone was surprised. I mean it is heartbreaking, but Kim and Kris are like Gary [Shirley] and me. Total opposites. One is a diva and the other is a down-home guy.”

- Amber Portwood compares her relationship with good ol’ Gary to the relationship between Kim Kardashian and Kris Humphries.

Can we get Amber a job as a guest blogger? Or could someone give her a job on The View or something? I never would have guessed, but after this little snippet and some imagination, I figure that there’s probably not anyone else I’d rather hear report on some gossip than the trainwreck that is Amber Portwood. Can you think of anyone? I’m open to suggestions here.

Additionally, when E! asked Amber who was the diva, her or Gary, she responded with “Well, Janice Dickinson told me I’m a diva, so I guess I’d have to say I’m the diva.” And that’s how you pull together a Teen Mom, a Kardashian, and the always marvelous Janice Dickinson to form a new holy trinity of trashy fabulousity.

Amber Portwood’s Brother Gives Some of The Realest Talk

A photo of Amber Portwood

Oh, good ol’ Amber Portwood, that hot mess of a Teen Mom. It always seems like no matter what other trainwreck MTV has to offer, Amber always comes out on top, doesn’t it? And you might be like “no, no, Emily, didn’t you see Deena‘s ass crack?” And yes, I did, but I’m here to offer you irrefutable evidence that Amber Portwood is, in fact, MTV’s trashiest employee. I call it “irrefutable” because it comes from her own brother.

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Breaking: Amber Portwood Tries to Commit Suicide

photo of amber portwood mugshot pictures photos

According to sources at Radar Online:

“Late this morning (11:34 a.m.), Anderson Police responded to a call at a residence in the 1300 block of Pleasant Meadow Drive. According to the caller, 21-year-old Amber L. Portwood was depressed and threatening to end her life. The victim, who did not appear to be injured, was transported to a local medical facility for further evaluation. An Anderson police source also confirms that the call was not made by Amber at her home, but by “a relative” at a different location, who advised the authorities to check on Amber. A source told Star [magazine] that the mother of Amber’s on-again, off-again boyfriend, Gary Shirley, made the phone call …

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‘Teen Mom’ PSA a Fights Teen Pregnancy, Intelligence

Well, I guess it’s nice that MTV decided to use their Teen Mom stars run a formal PSA about teen pregnancy (as opposed to the show, which is just one long, kind of unclear PSA about why you might not want to have a baby at 14), but I’ve learned nothing from it. No, that’s not true. I’ve learned that I’m happy I was raised to speak proper English and that I wasn’t allowed to dress like an overly made-up slore.

The intro to the PSA features one of the moms saying, “The night that I got pregnant, I wish that me and my boyfriend were cuddling and watching a movie,” and a moment later shows that Amber Portwood character saying something like, “I wish we had just relaxed.”

First of all, it’s “my boyfriend and I,” and secondly, the last thing you need to do, Amber, is relax. Why not hit the gym, read a book or wash all that graffiti off of your car?

The only thing I like about this PSA is that finally, like, 12 seconds into the whole thing (it’s only 15 seconds long) someone brings up the idea of using protection. The whole thing was feeling like a hypocritical ad for abstinence until one of these geniuses had the sense to bring up the idea of not raw dogging.

Ugh, what the hell is wrong with people?

Amber Portwood’s Driving Around a Car That Says “Whore” On It

Teen Mom‘s Amber Portwood has had a rough couple of years and the recent vandalism on her Ford Taurus is just another thing to add to her list.

First she, you know, became a teen mom, then she and her baby daddy wound up in jail and then she had some nude photos of herself leaked. Oh, and there’s that really unfortunate tattoo she got, too. I’m sure she probably wanted to kill herself when she pulled up to her mother’s house and saw that her car was spray painted with words like “whore,” “slut,” and “fucker.”

RadarOnline has all the photos of the damage, which I’ve grifted for easy viewing, and hey now! It’s looks pretty bad. How and why this happened has yet to be proved, but Radar’s suggesting that it was the work of her next door neighbor, whose boyfriend Amber is supposedly now dating.

A couple of years ago, my then 17-year-old brother stole some dude’s girlfriend, and in true high school form, the dude scratched the words “bitch faggot” into the hood of his car. At the time, I thought it was the funniest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, but mostly because my little brother can be pretty annoying. Still, no one, not even someone who is arguably a whore, slut and fucker deserves to have something like this done to their property. Pretty messed up stuff.