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4No Big Deal, But Joe Simpson Took Out A Secret Life Insurance Policy on Jessica

A photo of Joe Simpson

Psych! It actually is kind of a big deal that Joe Simpson, well-known shademeister, took out a life insurance police on his very, very famous daughter without telling anyone. Probably just because it’s creepy. It’s really creepy, isn’t it? Like, this is how some mystery novels begin. And spoiler alert: those mystery novels never end well.

From Radar:

Joe Simpson secretly took out a $4.5 million life insurance policy in daughter Jessica’s name with himself listed as the sole beneficiary, a source tells RadarOnline.com exclusively.

The policy was drafted around 8 years ago, the source says, and The Dukes Of Hazzard star and her mom Tina only found out about its existence last week.

Tina’s attorneys at Dunnam & Dunnam were made aware of the policy’s existence in a meeting with the Simpsons’ business manager, David Levin, and the source says that both Jessica and Tina are “furious” that Joe had done such a thing without the knowledge of either of them.

“Tina found out about yet another one of Joe’s secrets and couldn’t believe what she was hearing,” the source, who is close to the Simpson family, tells RadarOnline.com.

“It came out in a meeting with David and her attorneys last week that Joe set up a life insurance policy for Jessica 8 years ago that made him the sole beneficiary.

“It was pointed out to Tina that as Jessica’s manager Joe wasn’t doing anything underhanded by taking out a policy to protect his biggest income source, but she was absolutely furious that Joe did it without consulting her or Jessica.

“Joe’s actions have put a massive strain on the family, and it’s only getting worse. It’s hard to see that Tina and Joe will ever be amicable with each other again and the divorce case is shaping up to be very messy,” the source says.

Maybe I’m just wondering this because we just talked about Britney Spears, but is it even possible to be the parent of an extremely famous, successful daughter and not turn into a total creep? Or is the parent a creep to begin with, and the daughter’s fame just allows more opportunities for poor choices? Either way, can everyone please just stop?

December 18, 2012 at 2:30 pm by Emily

3I Guess Britney Spears Is Going to Be Single Soon

A photo of Jason Trawick and Britney Spears

Ugh, poor Britney. It’s always something, isn’t it? Last month the story was that she and Jason had planned to get married before the end of the year, but they couldn’t stop fighting long enough to plan everything out. And now it looks like Jason is definitely leaving Britney, and all that’s left to do is tell her.

He’s apparently already told Britney’s family so that she’ll “have a support system when he breaks the bad news.” He’s also being enough of a sweetheart to wait until this season of X-Factor is over so that she doesn’t have to do live television while brokenhearted. Isn’t that thoughtful?

Another thing: he still wants to be her manager. And he’s already one of her conservators, remember, so this plan may not be good for Britney’s heart, but it makes perfect sense for Britney’s bank account. Which is, obviously, the most important thing.

I’m not so sure I believe this, but that’s basically just because I want nothing but good things for Britney. This dude breaking up with her while he still keeps a firm grasp on her money? Not so good for her.

December 18, 2012 at 12:30 pm by Emily

0Emma Roberts Is Very Subtle

A photo of Emma Roberts

This is a photo that Emma Roberts posted on her Instagram. She’s since deleted it. I don’t know what it means. I don’t know who took the picture. All I know for sure is that Emma Roberts hangs out wearing an “I Love James Franco” shirt and what sort of looks like Pikachu underwear. And really, I think that’s all I need to know.

December 18, 2012 at 5:30 am by Emily
Filed Under: Emma Roberts

7Look, It’s The Kardashian Kristmas Kard!

A photo of the Kardashian family Christmas card

Because we all know that it’s not Christmastime until we see how the Kardashians and the Jenners decided to come together for their annual Christmas card.

There’s a couple of interesting things here, I guess. Obviously, Kanye isn’t there, which is extremely upsetting, and also surprising. Don’t they realize how much more press they would get with this is he was on there? There’s not any trouble in Kimye paradise, is there? Heaven forbid Kim lose the latest love of her life, especially when she’s still married to her last one. Can you even imagine?

I guess the only other interesting thing is how much people care about these cards every year. When I was trying to find the best version of this photo, I found dozens and dozens of other blogs and news sites that already got the tip last night, and I don’t get it. And you know I’m not trying to do a big “why do people care about celebrities?” thing, or even a “why do people care about the Kardashians?” thing. People care about them because it’s fun to gossip, duh. But I don’t get why people care so much about these Christmas cards specifically. Is it just so we can speculate about Kim’s love life? Or to see what Bruce Jenner‘s face is up to? Because I can understand that. But otherwise, what’s the appeal?

It’s not Kim’s stupid greased back hair, that’s for sure.

December 18, 2012 at 4:30 am by Emily

5Lindsay Lohan Is Now Available for Weddings and Bar Mitzvahs

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

Oh my goodness, isn’t this exciting?! I’ve just started planning my own wedding! All I have so far is my ideal venue, my bridesmaids, colors (probably) and a date (tentatively). Basically, I’m turning out to be the worst at wedding planning, which actually isn’t all that surprising, seeing as how I’m the worst at regular planning.

But guys, now that I know that Lindsay Lohan, THE Lindsay Lohan, is now available to make appearances at weddings? Nothing else matters.

From Page Six:

Facing money woes, a staggering tax bill and alleged delinquency on her storage locker full of personal possessions, is Lindsay Lohan’s scrambling to make some cash?

A talent company claiming to represent the troubled actress wants us to know their client is available for weddings and Bat Mitzvahs.

Page Six received an email pitch from 123Talent with the subject line “Book One of Hollywood’s Biggest Movie Stars Lindsay Lohan Now!” offering us the opportunity to request the presence of Lohan herself at whatever event or venue.

In bright pink lettering, the email reminds us that “Not only is Lindsay an Actress but she is also a Fashion Designer, Model and Recording Artist.” Perhaps adding “Jail Bait” didn’t have much of a ring to it.

The email, which also includes a hastily photoshopped composite of the star, goes on to list all of Lohan’s film and television stints — even ones we’d rather forget — from “The Parent Trap” to “I Know Who Killed Me,” from “Life Size” to “Liz & Dick.”

We’ve reached out to Lohan’s rep and have not received an immediate response on the authenticity of the email.

If I slip her an extra dollar, do you think she could be our officiant?

December 17, 2012 at 4:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Lindsay Lohan

83Victoria Jackson Is The Worst Person Ever

A photo of Victoria Jackson

Ok, I’m sure that Victoria Jackson isn’t the worst person ever. Not really. I’m sure that there are plenty of people in the world who are worse than Victoria Jackson. I can think of four or five right off the top of my head. But right now, right at this very moment in time, I am enraged, and right now, to me, Victoria Jackson is worse than everyone.

This is going to make you angry, I think. I almost didn’t even talk about this, but it just pissed me off too much, and I have to share it so that I feel less alone in this empty pit of rage.

This is about the shooting in Connecticut, and what Victoria Jackson had to say about it. If you need to sit this one out, I understand. If not, let’s get to it.

Here are things that Victoria said on her Facebook following the shooting:

Obama dramatically wiped a tear as he said, “The majority of those who died today were children — beautiful little kids … They had their entire lives ahead of them — birthdays, graduations, weddings, kids of their own…”

YEAH OBAMA. SAME AS THE MILLION BABIES YOU HAD ABORTED THIS YEAR.

ARE YOU CRYING FOR THEM?!

And this:

TV News can’t figure out why all these 20 year olds are murdering. The school system taught them they are animals (evolution) for the last 20 years. Survival of the fittest. They’re just acting like animals.

And this:

Lord, please comfort the grieving and please let our nation invite you back into our families so this evil won’t happen again. In Jesus name, amen.

F-ck you, Victoria Jackson.

Obama didn’t have babies aborted. He doesn’t have a uterus, so he can’t have any babies aborted. He also can’t make laws all by himself, because that’s not how this government works. Oh, and also this: an abortion is not the same thing as murdering a six-year-old child, you ignorant bitch.

WE ARE ANIMALS. We just are. Humans are animals. We’ve built a bigger society than other animals, and we’ve gotten more advanced with our communication, but we are most certainly animals. I really hate that I have to explain this.

I also hate that I have to explain that the U.S. was not founded on Christianity, because it wasn’t. Pilgrims came here for religious freedom. Thomas Jefferson, the guy who wrote most of the Declaration of Independence, which is a pretty big deal, wasn’t even a Christian. This tragedy has absolutely nothing to do with “taking God out of our schools,” and I don’t even understand why people think that.

If I see one more Photoshopped picture of Jesus floating over a classroom with a caption like “I wish they would let me in there with you,” or if I hear one more person mention that this shooting, the one in Aurora, and Columbine all happened in liberal states that are working on gun control, then I will lose my f-cking mind. Yes, we need to take a good hard look on what we can do to prevent this kind of thing. But it doesn’t have anything to do with bringing religion back to public schools or your weird political agenda.

Victoria’s stance also says that guns are not the problem, but in the wise words of Eddie Izzard, “guns don’t kill people, people kill people, but I think the gun helps.” And on that note, let’s all go watch Eddie Izzard clips and try to regain the ability to feel feelings. Sound good?

December 17, 2012 at 3:30 pm by Emily
Filed Under: Victoria Jackson