Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Is It OK to Creep on Dakota Fanning Now?

A photo of Dakota Fanning

Dakota Fanning is 18, ok? She’s 18 years old. She’ll be 19 next month. She’s an adult. That means I can think she’s absolutely gorgeous, right?

It just feels weird to me because we’ve all seen this girl grow up, you know? Like, when I think of Dakota Fanning, I think of the little girl from I Am Sam. I think of little baby Dakota Fanning. But when I see this magazine cover, I think “gorgeous.” Is that ok? I feel like it’s kind of creepy.

But just look at this picture from the magazine shoot:

A photo of Dakota Fanning

That is a gorgeous young lady. Right?

If it makes it any better, I don’t think she’s hot. Kat Dennings is hot. Kat Dennings is scorching hot. Kat Dennings is … I can’t really talk about this anymore without getting uncomfortable, but I think you know what I mean. Dakota Fanning isn’t hot, not to me, anyway. Dakota Fanning just has lovely features that make me smile. And that’s not creepy. I don’t think so, anyway.

Ok, one more picture:

A photo of Dakota Fanning

See how nice this girl grew up?

Chris Brown Has A Cast on His Punchin’ Hand

A photo of Chris Brown

Poor, poor Chris Brown. We all know that he didn’t do anything wrong concerning his fight with Frank Ocean, and now look at this! This poor man has a cast on his right hand. What sort of monster is Frank Ocean anyway? What did he do to Chris’ hand? He probably stomped on it, huh? Or maybe he had a hammer in his pocket, just for occasions like this. You never know when a kind, gentle soul like Chris is going to come along and need some bones broken.

Oh, wait, is that the hand Chris punches with? He’s right-handed, so I’m pretty sure it is. Is it possible that he got this injury by hitting someone?

Nah. Nah, guys. Remember, this is the same injury that Olivier Martinez, Halle Berry‘s man, had after he got so brutally assaulted by Gabriel Aubry. This just looks like the universal injuries of poor angel victims who never do anything wrong ever. SO SAD.

Lindsay Made A Miraculous Recovery, Will Be in Court This Morning

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

From TMZ:

Lindsay Lohan and her mom Dina took the last flight out of JFK last night and jetted to L.A. after being warned she’d be a wanted woman if she was a no-show in court this morning.

Lindsay — who is not just broke but deeply in debt — waited in her car at the airport (above) until the last minute … then flew first class on American Airlines and landed at around 12:30 AM.

We’re told Lindsay went into a panic after we posted our story Tuesday and started calling everyone to find out if we were right … that the judge would probably issue a warrant for her arrest if she didn’t show.  Our Lindsay sources say she was pleading with Shawn Holley — the lawyer she fired — to come back on the case, saying she didn’t like her replacement — New York lawyer Mark Heller.

Holley made it clear days ago … she’s off the case, so it’s now up to Heller, who clearly started off on the wrong foot by submitting the doctor’s note, along with a New York Post article saying a lot of people in NYC had the flu.

Heller has another problem — the lawyer he got to sponsor him to appear in a California court has never met him, and it’s possible the judge could deny him the right to represent Lindsay.

So Lindsay could be lawyerless … and you know what they say about a client who reps herself …

This should be a good one, guys. We’ve got four more hours till Lindsay is due in court, and I’ve just got a good feeling about it. Not for her, obviously, or at least she won’t think so. But I mean, she’ll at least be wearing some inappropriate courtroom attire, which is always a good time. There’s a lesson, friends: always look for the silver lining. Because even if justice is just a figment of our imaginations anymore, Lindsay still won’t be wearing a bra to court.

Lindsay Lohan Is Way Too Sick to Go to Court Tomorrow

A photo of Lindsay Lohan

It’s just that time of the year, guys. We’re all going to get sick. Me, I’ve got the stupidest cold ever right now. My head feels funny and I don’t want to do anything. Maybe you’ve had that awful flu. Maybe you caught malaria or diphtheria or syphilis or something, I don’t know. But the point is that people are just generally ill this time of year. And that includes beautiful and glamorous celebrities like Lindsay Lohan!

See, Lindsay has an upper respiratory infection. She has a doctor’s note and everything! I know that she has a doctor’s note because that’s what her new lawyer sent over to Lindsay’s judge in L.A. to explain why she won’t be in court tomorrow as required. He also sent some news article about how that flu epidemic hit New York a couple of weeks ago. You know, just to flesh everything out.

And yeah, TMZ got photos of Lindsay out and about over the weekend, shopping and smoking and having a grand old time. I know that when I’m sick enough to go to a doctor with a cold that I always feel like walking around for hours, too. Like, yeah, it feels like my head is going to fall off my body and my throat is going to collapse in on itself and every single ounce of fluid in my body is going to trickle out of my nose, but so what? Let’s get some shoes!

But ok, here’s the thing: Lindsay was really, really supposed to be in court. I don’t want to freak her out or anything, it’s just that she really was supposed to be there. And if the judge finds out that she wasn’t really sick – not that I’m saying she’s lying – it could be bad, bad news for Lindsay. It won’t be, but it could be. And that’s the important thing. Basically, the judge could issue a warrant for Lindsay’s arrest tomorrow if she wanted to. That’s all.

Chris Brown Kind of Just Compared Himself to Jesus

A photo of Chris Brown

Ok, ok. Chris Brown posted this photo on Instagram last night. The caption was “Painting the way I feel today. Focus on what matters!” And here’s the photo:

A photo of Chris Brown

Whoa. Whoa. Hold up. Chris Brown painted a picture of Jesus on the cross because he was painting the way he feels. Are we all getting that? He seriously just did that.

This is so much worse than when he compared himself to Tupac. I mean, I know you guys know who Jesus is, but can we really just take a moment to consider this? Chris Brown considers himself to be a Christian. That means that he thinks Jesus was the son of God. Jesus is Lord. Just to bring it to a more casual place, Jesus was a super peaceful guy who just wanted everybody to chill out and love each other. Jesus was awesome! Does that sound anything like Chris Brown?

But I’m really not the person to be discussing this, guys. After all, I’m obviously one of the many people who crucified Chris. You know, because calling an asshole an asshole is just like crucifixion. I’m just one of those bitches who refuse to believe how great Chris Brown is, and thousands of years from now, when Chris Brown is celebrated and adored, I’m going to be just another poor, stupid soul who was too blind to realize what I witnessed. I’m so glad we could clear this up!

Hulk Hogan: Still The Creepiest

A photo of Hulk Hogan

But why is Hulk Hogan the creepiest this time? It’s because he tweeted this picture of his daughter:

A photo of Brooke Hogan

And he just captioned it “Brooke’s legs.” Gross.

Now, this is creepy enough on it’s own, I think – I mean, if my dad did this … I don’t know, I can’t even imagine this, probably because my dad isn’t gross – but what makes it really creepy is when you remember this picture:

A photo of Brooke Hogan and Hulk Hogan

Yep, that’s Hulk applying suntan lotion to his daughter’s ass. He really got in there, too. There are photos that I don’t care to post of him pretty much rubbing his hand between her inner thighs. I don’t care to post it because it seriously makes me uncomfortable.

Other reasons why the picture of Brooke’s legs is creepy include the fact that Hulk slept with one of Brooke’s friends who happens to resemble her, and also because he married a woman who could basically be Brooke’s twin. Have we firmly established the creepiness yet?

Ok then, let’s move on to why Hulk and Brooke say the picture isn’t creepy. Here’s Brooke’s tweet:

A dad can’t even be proud of his daughter without sickos makin it something it’s not. Really?? Go back to your farm animals. ?#ignorant

And Hulk’s:

Brooke works out for 2hrs a day,a fan takes a picture,Brooke love it,tweets back thank u,proud dad tweets it,creeps and perverts everywhere

For what it’s worth, Brooke defended her dad during that lotion debacle by saying things like “he used to change my diaper” and “it’s like he’s touching an old car.” You know, if old cars had nice asses.

Are you thoroughly disturbed yet?

Quotables: Brandi Glanville Really Doesn’t Hold Back

A photo of Brandi Glanville

“She can go f-ck herself! Well, she has to, because who would want to?”

- Brandi Glanville asks a catty question that she forgets has a very simple answer.

But ok, this is getting weird. Because we’re in this space now where both Brandi and LeAnn keep talking about each other, and then they keep talking about how the other woman won’t stop talking about her. It’s starting to get a little confusing. I feel like the next time we see LeAnn do an interview, she’s going to talk about Brandi because Brandi won’t stop talking about her talking about her talking about her. This cycle can be endless, and it just needs to stop.

By the way though, Brandi said that little thing about LeAnn at a recent book signing – her book, of course, mentions LeAnn. She also had something to say about Eddie and LeAnn’s affair:

“I did everything right. I loved so hard. I loved my children and my family was perfect. I did everything I could do for him and the boys and to make him not want to stray. So, when it happened, especially with someone as attractive as her…”

I’m sorry, it’s getting a little too catty in here. If you need to take a break, I understand.

Anyway, Brandi also said that when she’s done promoting her book, “I promise I’m closing this chapter of my life.” And I think that’s really, really unlikely, but I guess we can all dream, right?