Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Terrell Owens’ Honey Toasted Ego

Terrell Owens Breakfast Cereal

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Terrell Owens has released his very own breakfast cereal– the very cleverly named T O’s. The concept has all the self-promotional appeal of Flutie Flakes, but without any of that bothersome altruism to get in the way.

The ever humble Owens has said that having his “beautiful handsome face” on the cover is better than making it on a box of Wheaties. As for the cereal itself, I’ve heard that it tastes exactly like Honey Nut Cheerios, except with a picture of a jackass on the outside, designed to make you lose your appetite. Maybe some of you Buffalo readers can confirm this for me?

On a related note, is anyone else as excited as I am about football season starting back up? The Hall of Fame game on Sunday is just for show, but it also heralds the start of real football season. It will be interesting to see if you can put the enormous egos of both Terrell Owens and Vince Young in the same place at the same time without ripping a hole in the fabric of the universe.

That White Powder Isn’t Oxiclean

Florida authorities released an autopsy report yesterday stating that repeated cocaine use most likely contributed to infomercial pitchman Billy Mays’ death.

And no one is surprised.

Well, except for  his wife.

Mays’ angry family called the announcement “speculative … and frankly unnecessary.”

His widow, Deborah, who found her husband dead in bed, said she may hire an independent expert to review the findings.

She said she was unaware of any drug use by her husband, beyond prescription pills for a hip problem.

“Billy suffered from chronic, untreated hypertension,” she said in a statement.

“Given the hectic nature and pace of Billy’s life, especially during the past 10 months of his exhaustive travel across the country, it was not surprising to hear that hypertension was the cause of his death.”

How Much Are Your Children Worth to You?

Debbie Rowe in a Shirt that Shows Her Kindred Spirits: Bitches

Wendie has a nose for bullshit that could rival the midwest’s finest manure manufacturers.

A few days ago, she reported that Debbie Rowe and the Jackson family had reached a custody agreement that allowed Rowe to retain her parental rights, but made Katherine Jackson– Michael’s mother– the children’s legal guardian. It was reported that the agreement was reached without a single penny changing hands.Well, technically they were right.  I’d imagine that the $4 Million the Jackson family agreed to continue paying Rowe will be handed over in large bills, or via bank draft or cashier’s check– not in pennies.

Yesterday, the Jackson family admitted that they have agreed to continue paying a $4 Million “informal spousal arrangement”  that Rowe had with Michael– a verbal contract that was absolved when he died.

Really, it’s the perfect arrangement. Rowe can continue to use her parental rights to blackmail as much money as possible out of the Jackson Family, and the family can pretend that they aren’t renting their grandchildren from a woman who resembles nothing so much as the putrid muck that collects on the surface of dirty dishwater that’s been left sitting for a week. (Killer wolf shirt though.)

Anyway, as I was saying, this under-the-table arrangement works out well for both parties amd makes everybody happy. Oh, except for the kids of course. They’re still fucked.

Nicolas Cage is Broke

Nicolas Cage is Broker than Every Swimming Record that's Ever Met Up with Michael Phelps

Nicolas Cage owes $6.2 Million in back taxes to the IRS.

The tax lien stems from unpaid income taxes for 2007. Months ago, the star settled another debt with the IRS, paying $666,000 in penalties for improperly deducted personal expenses. Cage’s $3.5 Million New Orleans mansion is currently up for sale, as is his $35 Million Hollywood home. All sure signs that the actor is flat broke and is trying to dig himself out of a massive hole of debt.

At first I felt kind of bad for him, but then I came to my senses and realized that’s ridiculous. Poor impoverished movie star. He might have to move to a mansion that’s only worth $1 Million, or start drinking coffee that hasn’t first been passed through the bowels of a civet cat.

It’s always been a mystery to me how actors and actresses could make millions and still end up penniless. I guess it just goes to show you that it doesn’t really matter how much money you make if you’re living above your means.

Stephenie Meyer to Star in Comic Book

Female Force: Stephanie Meyer

The author if the Twilight series of novels is slated to appear in her very own comic book, entitled Female Force: Stephenie Meyer.

Bluewater president Darren G. Davis was enthusiastic about the project, saying that Meyer’s story would be, “Very fun, respectful, and unique.”  The comic is scheduled to be released just in time for the sequel to the Twilight film titled New Moon, which is set for debut in late November of 2009.  Meyer joins good company with Female Force, a series of books designed to look at the biographies of modern women who are having an impact on the culture and history of our world.

Oprah Winfrey, Hillary Clinton, and Michelle Obama have also been the subjects of other Female Force editions. I personally want the Sarah Palin edition framed and hanging on my living room wall.

I’m looking at their site right now, and I’m having a hard time believing this shit is for real.

Caption This

Brand and Hill on the Set of Get Him to the Greek

Russell Brand and Jonah Hill on the set of  Get Him to the Greek in NYC.

Marky Mark Ties the Knotty Knot

The Beautiful Bride

Mark Wahlberg did the matrimonial deed with girlfriend Rhea Durham yesterday in Beverly Hills. As usual, the paps were there to annoy the wedding party and generally cause chaos outside the church. We reap the rewards of their tresspasses with these pics of the happy couple looking not so happy about all the photographers crashing the party.

I understand wanting to keep your wedding day private– something special for family and friends only. But they would have done better to just smile and pose for a few pics on the way out the door.

There’s a fine line between the intruding annoyances of fame and downright invasion of privacy. But celebrities always come out looking better when they handle that intrusion with grace instead of futilely resisting it. Just like anal sex, if you relax and accept it, it can be fun. But if you resist it, you’re probably going to hurt yourself.