Oh Joaquin Phoenix. How you’re still such an important part of my entertainment life. Even when you said “bye! Good” to us, I never stopped loving you. Even when you embarked on a drunken “rap career,” I maintained my adoration. Throughout everything—any by “everything,” I mean the “massive fleecing you put over on all of us boned us with“—I stood by you, because you’re one of my main men.
This new look, though. This baggedy, raggedy sheepdog look you’ve got going on, dude: it is not flattering. Can I take you for a walk somewhere real quick-like? Can we journey on a trip down memory lane? Because for real, this is how I love my Joaquin:
Or, you know, even this:
Yeah, this is a little bit on the skinny side, but it’s still totally hot.
Last, let’s just look at this one time—this being the hottest photo probably ever taken:
Now. Can we do something about that … that f-cking bedraggledness that’s all resting up on your shoulders? Please?