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Joaquin Phoenix

Joaquin Phoenix: Would You, Still?

photo of joaquin phoenix pictures, photos
Oh Joaquin Phoenix. How you’re still such an important part of my entertainment life. Even when you said “bye! Good” to us, I never stopped loving you. Even when you embarked on a drunken “rap career,” I maintained my adoration. Throughout everything—any by “everything,” I mean the “massive fleecing you put over on all of us boned us with“—I stood by you, because you’re one of my main men.

This new look, though. This baggedy, raggedy sheepdog look you’ve got going on, dude: it is not flattering. Can I take you for a walk somewhere real quick-like? Can we journey on a trip down memory lane? Because for real, this is how I love my Joaquin:

photo of joaquin phoenix 2012 hot pictures, photos
Or, you know, even this:

photo of joaquin phoenix hot pictures, photos
Yeah, this is a little bit on the skinny side, but it’s still totally hot.

Last, let’s just look at this one time—this being the hottest photo probably ever taken:

photo of joaquin phoenix pictures, photos
Now. Can we do something about that … that f-cking bedraggledness that’s all resting up on your shoulders? Please?

WATCH THIS: ‘The Master’ Complete Trailer

Remember back in May when we talked about Joaquin doing a real movie? It’s this, and it also features Philip Seymour Hoffman, who was bought a drink in a bar by one of my friends in New York City this past week (which strikes me as odd, because hello—celebrities are kind of rich, they can kind of buy their own drinks, and yours, too), and according to IMDB, as previously reported, the movie is about … well, this:

A 1950s-set drama centered on the relationship between a charismatic intellectual known as “the Master” whose faith-based organization begins to catch on in America, and a young drifter who becomes his right-hand man.

Looking back, now, if I knew then what I know now—about the Scientology Squirrels—I’d go ahead and say this movie was based on, duh, Scientology. And probably Tom Cruise, though he allegedly wasn’t alive back in the 50s (though he probably was through some kind of Thetan mind control thing where his disembodied brain floated in a jar in some dank basement, making a list of Earthling women he’d like to impregnate in order to live on forever), too.

Consider me interested, to say the least.

Can I Tell You How Glad I Am That Joaquin Phoenix is a Real Actor Again?

Because I am. Do you guys remember all that “Bye! Good” business that went down a few years ago when Joaquin took a vacation from sanity and tried to be all avant garde with his acting career, trying out rapping and filming shit-filled mockumentaries with Casey Affleck (the younger brother of Ben Affleck)? Because oh, I do. And I couldn’t wait for the ruse to end, because I always had a soft spot in my heart for Joaquin, pretty much ever since ‘Signs’.

Over the last two years, he’s gone from gross to god-like and has emerged victorious. Now he’s doing a movie called ‘The Master’, which, from IMDB, sounds like it’s going to be about a religious cult, maybe. The above trailer tells a different story, but the film’s got Joaquin, Amy Adams, Laura Dern, and Philip Seymour Hoffman, so I’m sure it’s going to be pretty damn good whatever it’s about.

I mean, it sure beats the hell out of this, at any rate:

GET EXCITED!