Today's Evil Beet Gossip
Joaquin Phoenix

Joaquin Phoenix: Would You, Still?

photo of joaquin phoenix pictures, photos
Oh Joaquin Phoenix. How you’re still such an important part of my entertainment life. Even when you said “bye! Good” to us, I never stopped loving you. Even when you embarked on a drunken “rap career,” I maintained my adoration. Throughout everything—any by “everything,” I mean the “massive fleecing you put over on all of us boned us with“—I stood by you, because you’re one of my main men.

This new look, though. This baggedy, raggedy sheepdog look you’ve got going on, dude: it is not flattering. Can I take you for a walk somewhere real quick-like? Can we journey on a trip down memory lane? Because for real, this is how I love my Joaquin:

photo of joaquin phoenix 2012 hot pictures, photos
Or, you know, even this:

photo of joaquin phoenix hot pictures, photos
Yeah, this is a little bit on the skinny side, but it’s still totally hot.

Last, let’s just look at this one time—this being the hottest photo probably ever taken:

photo of joaquin phoenix pictures, photos
Now. Can we do something about that … that f-cking bedraggledness that’s all resting up on your shoulders? Please?

WATCH THIS: ‘The Master’ Complete Trailer

Remember back in May when we talked about Joaquin doing a real movie? It’s this, and it also features Philip Seymour Hoffman, who was bought a drink in a bar by one of my friends in New York City this past week (which strikes me as odd, because hello—celebrities are kind of rich, they can kind of buy their own drinks, and yours, too), and according to IMDB, as previously reported, the movie is about … well, this:

A 1950s-set drama centered on the relationship between a charismatic intellectual known as “the Master” whose faith-based organization begins to catch on in America, and a young drifter who becomes his right-hand man.

Looking back, now, if I knew then what I know now—about the Scientology Squirrels—I’d go ahead and say this movie was based on, duh, Scientology. And probably Tom Cruise, though he allegedly wasn’t alive back in the 50s (though he probably was through some kind of Thetan mind control thing where his disembodied brain floated in a jar in some dank basement, making a list of Earthling women he’d like to impregnate in order to live on forever), too.

Consider me interested, to say the least.

Can I Tell You How Glad I Am That Joaquin Phoenix is a Real Actor Again?

Because I am. Do you guys remember all that “Bye! Good” business that went down a few years ago when Joaquin took a vacation from sanity and tried to be all avant garde with his acting career, trying out rapping and filming shit-filled mockumentaries with Casey Affleck (the younger brother of Ben Affleck)? Because oh, I do. And I couldn’t wait for the ruse to end, because I always had a soft spot in my heart for Joaquin, pretty much ever since ‘Signs’.

Over the last two years, he’s gone from gross to god-like and has emerged victorious. Now he’s doing a movie called ‘The Master’, which, from IMDB, sounds like it’s going to be about a religious cult, maybe. The above trailer tells a different story, but the film’s got Joaquin, Amy Adams, Laura Dern, and Philip Seymour Hoffman, so I’m sure it’s going to be pretty damn good whatever it’s about.

I mean, it sure beats the hell out of this, at any rate:

GET EXCITED!

Joaquin Phoenix Meet Hot, Hot Meet Joaquin Phoenix

photo of joaquin phoenix looking hot in los angeles pictures photos

I know it’s been awhile so you both probably forgot, but you guys were acquainted at one time before. Actually, you knew one another quite well. Some (like me) might even say that you guys were practically indistinguishable from one another.

For awhile, though, it seems that there was a rift by the name of ‘Art’ that separated the two of you, and you both became strangers to one another.

Thankfully, however, I can see that you’ve both been able to overcome your differences and now see the light: where there’s a hotness, there’s a Joaquin once more and for that? Well, fuck. I am just tickled – even if you ARE prematurely grey, Joaquin. I mean, I am too. So I guess that means something. Something like that we should sleep together or something. You know. Something like that.

Joaquin Phoenix Sits Down With David Letterman For a Heart-to-Heart

Unlike the Late Show appearance of a year ago, Joaquin Phoenix sat with David Letterman on his show last night and discussed the ruse that he and director/producter/brother-in-law Casey Affleck had created and participated in over the past eighteen months.

Letterman, who kind of seemed like he had a good-natured chip on his shoulder about the whole thing, asked Phoenix questions like, ‘What were you thinking,’ ‘Why did you do this,’ and claimed that the previous interview was just ‘so much fun.’

Phoenix responded that he and Affleck wanted to portray what the relationship was like between the media, celebrity and consumer, and wanted to underscore the personal eccentricities that some celebrities put on in an effort to separate themselves from the rest and ensuring their part in stardom.

Dave said it best — ‘It was a theatrical ruse.’

I don’t know about you, but I’m just glad it’s over. I’m stoked that I can start looking at Joaquin now and not think that he’s got lice and scabies crawling throughout his beard and pubic hair. Because that was a really unfortunate time in my life.

Let’s take a trip down memory lane, shall we?

This is For Any of You Who Thought That the Joaquin Phoenix Hoax Was Not a Hoax

photo of joaquin phoenix pictures of the actor turned rap star

So, Casey Affleck, the director of Joaquin Phoenix’s “home movie” featuring the eventual breakdown of an award-winning actor-turned-rap star, is finally admitting what everyone in America has known for, well, quite some time: that the Phoenix hoax was just that — a hoax. According to Affleck, who recently spoke out about the movie:

“It’s a terrific performance, it’s the performance of his career.”

This statement was in response to critic Roger Ebert, after the movie I’m Still Here was released last week. Ebert, who clearly thought that the hoax was truth, reviewed the movie and said that the film was a “a sad and painful documentary that serves little useful purpose other than to pound another nail into the coffin” — the coffin clearly representing Phoenix’s thought-dead career.

Affleck claims that he simply wanted to engage in some Hunter S. Thompson-type of filmmaking, and never intended to make anyone believe that the entire ordeal wasn’t a ruse:

“I never intended to trick anybody. The idea of a quote, hoax, unquote, never entered my mind.”

While it’s hardly surprising, at least to me, the New York Times feels that Joaquin and company are going to have to do some serious damage control in order to repair his image.

But me? Nah, I don’t think so. I think that people are more interested to see what Phoenix’s next move — and movie — is going to be.

Thanks for finally dropping the front, Joaquin, and I totally appreciate the message that you’re sending to today’s society (we’re all obsessed with the bad fortune of individuals in the spotlight), but can we go back to doing real movies now? Thanks.

Are You Excited About The Joaquin Phoenix Documentary?

If you are excited, good, I’m glad we can share that.  If not, go ahead and watch this trailer so you can listen to someone compare life to water on a mountain or something and watch Joaquin fight some dude on a bed and show off his belly, among several other things.

The movie comes out on September 10, and there’s still confusion over whether the documentary is supposed to be for real or not.  If it is for real, then I hope he can work out whatever caused his plethora of issues.  If it’s not for real, then that would make Joaquin a better actor than anyone ever gave fim credit for (and people gave him a lot of credit). Regardless, it’s going to be crazy:  cocaine, call girls, and those classic rapping skills.  I’m going to get ahead of myself and say that someone  already deserves an Oscar for this work.

Also, Joaquin Phoenix needs to stop looking like Zach Galifianakis. Whenever I get excited because Zach Galifianakis is rapping or jumping off the stage to fight a heckler, it turns out to be crazy ol’ Joaquin Phoenix, and I just get so upset.  Find a new look, Joaquin, this one’s taken.