0Tom Cruise Was Sent to Earth to Battle Aliens I Think

From the New York Post:

Cruise, meanwhile, was more enmeshed than ever. He was tasked with mentoring a young member, a 16-year-old named Marc Headley, which involved Cruise tutoring him to command an ashtray to balance on its side. The point of such an exercise? “You learn,” said Headley, “that if you don’t do what they say, they’ll just ask the same questions 5 million times.”

… For his part, Cruise believes his true aim in life is to convert all nonbelievers into the church, which, according to Scientology, will result in Earth’s salvation. “Look,” he said, “I wish the world was a different place. I’d like to go on vacation, and go and romp and play, you know what I mean? But I can’t. Because I know. I know. I have to do something about it. You can sit here and wish it was different, but there’s that moment where you go, ‘You know, I have to do something. Don’t I?’ ”

Oh, you mean you didn’t know? Of course. How could this not all be true? These new allegations are all from a book called Going Clear: Scientology, Hollywood & The Prison of Belief, and it’s basically all about Tom Cruise and how he’s third-in-command of the Church of Scientology, and what that means for the future of the world.

On a related note, what better way to effectively eradicate aliens by the handful? Becoming President of the United States of America, of course. Did you hear about that? Because that was a thing a few days ago—that Tom Cruise was throwing around the words “running” and “President” in the same sentences. This is what Tom allegedly had to say about running for President, and how easy of a win it would be:

“If f-cking Arnold can be governor, I could be president.”

I’m all sorts of shades of frightened now, guys. I can’t even tell you.

January 15, 2013 at 6:30 am by Sarah