1. LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian have a baby, name it Lizzy Jr.
2. Kim Kardashian finally gets that divorce, forgets to marry Kanye West
3. Lindsay Lohan goes to jail for eight months, stays in jail for eight months
4. Amy Winehouse returns to life, says the jokes on Blake Fielder-Civil
5. Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake: Reunited and It Feels So Good
6. Beyonce finally admits to using a surrogate
7. Taylor Swift settles down and marries … someone—it doesn’t really matter who
8. David Beckham comes out of the closet, brings Tom Cruise and Justin Bieber with him
9. Johnny Depp stops making ‘Pirates’ movies
10. Chris Brown Breaks Up With Both Rihanna and Karreuche Tran
11. Miley Cyrus gets a brand-spanking new weave
12. Charlie Sheen hated by millions for being a misogynistic, racial, bigoted pig
13. Sofia Vergara admits that Fran Drescher is her annoying alter-ego
Happy New Year, everyone—catch you bright and early Wednesday morning!