So here’s the story in a nutshell—Edward Furlong is a big, stupid trainwreck who sabotaged a promising career (his own, you guys; no one else was dumb enough to get behind this moron in the fast lane) because he couldn’t put down the blow or the heroin. He ruined his marriage and then, to add insult to injury, starred in this movie (that I loved) called ‘Arachnoquake‘, which was about behemoth, albino spiders that had emerged from ground fissures opened up by earthquakes … you know, hence the crafty ‘Arachnoquake’ title, which obviously indicates that scary, subterranean spiders were chilling on the earth’s surface because some earthquakes happened. I love context clues, don’t you?
Anyway, after he did all of these mortally insulting things, a judge ruled that he would no longer have private contact with his six-year-old son, a product of his aforementioned divorce, as a random drug test on the child turned up positive for cocaine after an extended visit with his father. Furlong, of course, claims that he has nothing to do with his son’s apparent drug habit, and states that his ex-wife would, quote, “alienate [him] further from [his] son and destroy [his] ability to work.” But in response to that, I say, “No, ‘Arachnoquake’ did that, and oh, right, all the drugs you still do all the time.”
Here’s the trailer for ‘Arachnoquake’—see if you can find Edward in it somewhere. You’ll be looking for the short, bloated dude who has serious trouble formulating thoughts, let alone intelligible words: