Channing [Tatum] was amazing. He’s a superstar. Everybody wants to have sex with him.
—Amanda Seyfried, whose opinions I generally find to be amicable, on Channing Tatum, who was, incidentally, this year’s ‘Sexiest Man Alive’. Hear that sound? No? That’s the sound of me YAKKING from 30,000 feet above y’alls heads. LOOK THE F-CK OUT.
Really and truly, though, there’s only one person I can think of who I positively know would have sex with Channing Tatum. She’s a Facebook friend and she’s always posting sadsack things about how she’s going to curl up and watch ‘Dear John’ for the sixteenth time this month, or how she’s going to “stay in” tonight because she’s OMG SO SAD and I DEFINE MYSELF THROUGH MY MAN, and how amazing and wonderful and positively darling Channing Tatum just has to be in real life, because of course he’s exactly the way he’s portrayed in all of his movies combined. And you know what? That girl is a pain in the ass. She is a pain in my ass and she would just love to have sex with Channing Tatum, so maybe I should lock her in a room with this simple-ass Amanda Seyfried, and let the two of them duke it out.
It’d at least more entertaining than the constant status updates. Or having to look at Channing Tatum’s squashed sack of sausage for a face.