Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Christina Aguilera Is Releasing New, Ridiculous Music

A photo of Christina Aguilera

Ha ha, but really. That photo right there, in case you couldn’t tell, is the cover of Christina‘s first single from the album, titled “Your Body.” And it’s bad. It’s really, really bad.

I don’t know why I always expect more from Christina Aguilera, but I really do. Maybe it’s because I really liked her when she released her first album, back when I loved shitty music just because it was popular, or maybe it’s because unlike so many other pop acts, she’s actually really talented. I don’t know, but I do know that this new song that I just showed you, this “Your Body” nonsense? Yeah, that’s just the radio edit. There’s a special unedited version that will appear on the actual album.

It’s called “F-ck Your Body.” No, for real. In that song you listened to just now, the part where she goes “all I want to do is love your body?” The real version goes “all I want to do is f-ck your body.” That’s the kind of music Christina Aguilera is doing these days. Some more lyrics, if you couldn’t hear them through that awful beat, are “it’s true what you’ve heard, I am a freak, I’m disturbed.” Oh, and, don’t forget, “all I want to do is f-ck your body.” Honestly.

If you need a palate cleanser after all that, I’ve got a great one: I have a new kitty!

His name is JoBangles, and someone dumped him in the middle of the road in a storage bin. And here’s how my older kitty feels about it:

But sure, Christina, keep on singing about f-cking bodies. You have my undivided attention.

10 CommentsLeave a comment

  • OMG! Yay for you helping out a helpless lil guy! Congrats on the new addition and I hope your other smoopie will take him in as well! <3 <3 <3!!!

  • Oh! Those kitties!
    I literally hope that the dumper of a kitten meets a grim end.
    Bless you, Emily. (-Not religiously, because I wouldn’t know how to religiously bless you, but you get me.)

  • OH MY GOD SO CUTE!! And JoBangles is an ADORABLE name.


    I feel the same way about Xtina – she has got such an amazing voice (or certainly used to have, I don’t know if it’s diminished or not recently), but she had made such shitty music over the last few years. Burlesque soundtrack not included – I actually LOVED the songs in that.
    Perhaps someone should sit her down and make her only do ballads for the next two years as a palette cleanser?

  • Yeah, that’s cool or whatever about Christina. The most important thing is your ADORABLE kitties! Good on you for rescuing that tiny little ball of cuteness. I am sure they will both bring you much happiness..more so than Christina singing :)