Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Rejoice, for Snooki’s New Book Is Coming Out Soon!

A photo of Nicole "Snooki" Polizzi

I’m really worried, you guys. For the past month or so, everyone has been focusing on Snooki’s pregnancy. And don’t get me wrong, that’s great, but there’s something else going on with Snooks that seems to be sort of falling by the wayside. And that is the fact that Snooki’s second book, Gorilla Beach, is going to be released next week.

The book is a sequel to Snooki’s first adventure in writing, A Shore Thing, about young Gia and her escapades on the Jersey shore. Jezebel has some lovely excerpts, so let’s check those out and savor them until we can buy the book in its entirety on May 15th:

Holding a bouquet of white plastic roses, Gia strutted the length of the store aisle between racks of bondagewear and a wall of stripper wigs. she did a dramatic pose, arching her back. Her barely holstered boobs popped out of the corset.

“Nip slip!” said Bella, laughing. “You look like a slutty virgin.”

Knowing Maria, who gargled with tequila and had been known to grind a lamppost when drunk, the bachelorette party would rock no matter who hosted it.

Before the divorce with Gia’s mom five years ago, Gia and Joe were as tight as sausage casing.

“Attention Pleasure Chest shoppers!” said Bella to get Gia’s attention. “I lost you for a second there. Where were you?” “Gorilla Island,” said Gia. “I was surrounded by a pack of juiceheads, and they were fighting over who got to bring me Jell-o shots and fried pickles.”

She knew what was what, that she wasn’t winning any prizes for her brains. Not everyone was born to put on a rubber apron and split atoms in a kitchen with a meat cleaver. Some people contributed to the world in a different-no less important-way.

She hated spending so much time holed up in dark rooms that stank of fake butter.

The bride never saw a plunging V-front, skintight, lycra, camo-print jumpsuit she didn’t crush on hard.

“We need a dozen penis pops, too. And a leather whip, and these pink, fur-lined handcuffs,” said Gia. “Do you gift wrap?”

Wow. “Tight as sausage casing” is a phrase that is going right into rotation in my house. And the haunting imagery of “dark rooms that stank of fake butter” will not leave my mind soon. Snooki is a literary genius, and I can’t wait for her to receive the Pulitzer that she so richly deserves.

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