Wanna know why? Because Katie Holmes doesn’t have a newborn child who’s up all hours of the night to take care of. No, she doesn’t have any major motion picture projects going on, either, that might draw her out and sap the energy out of her. That’s why I’m banking on the fact that Suri Cruise is a vampire, and she’s slowly sucking the life out of her mother, Katie Holmes. It explains a lot. The penis gummies. The myriad faces that a child shouldn’t even be able to make. She’s supernatural. And she’s hungry. And she was possessed, too! Have we forgotten that so soon? Just LOOK at the circles underneath Katie’s eyes. If that’s not the victim of a vampire right there, folks, just wasting away before our very eyes, I don’t know what to tell you. You need to watch some more movies about creatures of the night, because you’re totally overlooking the obvious.
Because there’s positively no way that Tom Cruise would have anything to do with this. He’s not keeping her locked up four out of seven days, wired to weird machines that conduct odd Scientology-related tests on Katie, because that’s just not Tom’s style, no. Tom would rather let his daughter take the rap for sucking the ever-loving life out of the woman who brought her into this world, because it keeps him in the clear. It allows him to deviously plan out how to clone Katie and how to turn the world’s population into pod people who bear a striking resemblance to his dear wife.
Nope. I see right through it, guys. I get what’s going on here, and it’s just. not. nice.
Oh, and if you don’t want to partake in any of my delusions, Katie just looks like crap, alright? She looks like crap and that fedora is a nightmare. That simple and cut-and-dry for all of the rest of you? Yes, but not nearly as fun? Yeah. Thought not.