Today's Evil Beet Gossip

I Liked This Girl

We’re LIVE (on my West Coast Tivo) for American Idol!!

The first eight minutes are a recap. That’s brutal.

Then they all come out singing “Joy to the World?” Lord, do they hate us? This was a bad song when it came out. It was a bad song the day after. It’s a bad song now too and the Idol kids aren’t making it any better. Joy to the fishes in the deep blue sea, joy to you and me. There, now it’s in your head too.

Next up, elimination time. The guys are on the spot. Chris Sligh and Sundance Head are going to be back for more. Blake the beatboxer is safe. Seacrest brings the tall guy, Jared, down to the floor but then tells him he’s safe. Oh Seacrest, you and your little games.

Then, without warning, Nick is going home! Who is Nick? I don’t remember him. Hmmm, maybe that’s why he’s headed home. All the judges tell him he shouldn’t kill himself. Yet. He sings “Fever.” Whatever.

It’s the girls’ time to fret. Stephanie (Beyonce) is safe. Gina is safe. Sabrina is safe. The little sparkplug Melinda is safe. Alaina is going home! Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooo. Sigh. I found her very cute and perhaps even a little clever. Time for her to sing us out. Oh no, she’s breaking up captain, we’ve got tears. PAINFUL. SHE CAN’T SING THROUGH THE TEARS!!!

Oh wow. I really am in pain. The background singers chime in, but it’s all silence from her, she’s just hugging all her fellow gals who have joined her on stage to save her. So BRUTAL. She starts singing again. American Idol, you fuckers. I knew this would happen eventually, how can you ask someone to sing after you’ve shattered them? Plus, why make them sing the song that got them booted? Yikes, thank God that is over.

The guy who won 10k from the Idol cell phone scam looks like he escaped from the zoo.

PICKLER time! She has short hair and a boob job. Is it a crazy style bra? Moving on. Wow, she looks way different. We’ve determined that she either had work done or she’s gotten fatter. She’s also doing a comedy bit with Ryan about sushi. This is bad news, she’s been produced and destroyed. Poor Pickler. The real her didn’t survive, plus, based on her singing, she’d be about 17th this year.

Guy death time. Got to be Sanjaya right? He’s got an odd asexual weirdo jacko vibe going. I’m convinced with the right producer they could make something of him. He’s too strange to not be famous. But wait, AJ Tabaldo gets the boot! The human chia pet is down, and he shares a strange hug with Sanjaya. Hey wait a sec, I know what’s going on here, his last name is Tabaldo. Idol hates Latinos right?

Okay, final death of the evening. Will the hooker go home? With her pouty lips and her photogenic smile? Let’s see. Antonella, Jordin, and Leslie step to the front of the stage. Antonella is safe. Leslie is going home. Crap. She was my other favorite, I kid you not. Why do voters not like the quirky people? Leslie was a little off, and I liked that. Gina is balling, clearly she was buds with Leslie.

I’m now a man without an Idol. I don’t know where to put my allegiance. I’m a free agent.

I think I’m throwing in with Sanjaya because I get this awful feeling that if he loses his life will take a turn where he will EAT people after he murders them.

Crap, I’m now resorting to caps for punchlines.

Time to go to bed.

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