Today's Evil Beet Gossip

This is What You Can Buy With Buckets of Boob and Gitch Money

photo of hugh hefner crystal harris pictures engagement ring

Hugh Hefner, if you’ve been under a rock for the past week, recently popped the question to his latest Playmate girlfriend, Crystal Harris. The couple took to their Twitter accounts to show off the ring, and by virtue, their odd bondage-fantasy-grandpa relationship.

The couple has been dating for some time now, and by ‘dating,’ I mean Harris has been solely in charge of keeping Hef’s penis in an airtight box.  Things do, you know, start to disintegrate and break down after they hit a certain age.

The moral of this story? Don’t let the dream die, guys. You, too, can build an entire empire on twentysomethings with low self-esteem and high plastic surgery rates who are just dying to take their clothes off for men way past their prime. All you need is a little drive, a lot of square footage, and a funky porn star-style robe. You got this.