Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Late-Night Links

Here I thought we just had an inexcusable dearth of drinking fountains in the United States, but it turns out there’s another possible explanation for all the “dehydration” hospitalizations we’ve seen in recent months. [Agent Bedhead]

Columbia University students take a five-minute break from their Ivy League navel-gazing to complain about Matt Fox speaking at their school. [SOW]

Phew. Lindsay Lohan is back to being her old irresponsible, drunken self, and we can return to writing article after article about her puke-on-set antics. Sobriety may have been the better choice for her personally, but it was doing nothing for us gossip bloggers, and rehab programs certainly emphasize the importance of being of service to others. Good to see Lindsay is internalizing what she’s learned. [The Blemish]

The next-best thing to American Idol? Is Girls Gone Wild. [Celebrity Smack]

TORI TORI TORI!!! OMG I LOVE YOU TORI!!!! I can’t wait until your whole album leaks is released.[popbytes]

Guess who’s still crazy and possessive? [Yeeeah!]

Carmen Electra may not be important enough to be offered a role in the Baywatch film, but at least she can always shill for a no-name diet pill. [IBBB]

Dude, if I were Rosie O’Donnell, I’d be depressed, too. [Defamer]

AmIdol Recap: Top 8 Girls

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First off, I’m sorry I missed the recap last night. I was nice and busy getting this new site up and running, and attending one of Mediabistro’s blogger parties, since the fabulous Kate Coe was kind enough to extend an invite. It was a great chance to reconnect with some of my favorite blogger pals from past events, and make new friends. I still haven’t watched the boys’ performances, so forgive me if I miss an easy joke.

So on to the recap!

Okay. We are twenty seconds into the program. Ryan Seacrest vest-check comes up negative, but unfortunately the turtleneck check comes up depressingly positive. This is not a man with a neck in need of any additional turtling. Honestly. A turtleneck is not supposed to make you look exceptionally turtle-ish, but Ryan looks like a bona fide amphibian right now. Also, Paula is not there. That’s right. They don’t have Paula yet. Awesome. This means she’s wasted. Those are the good days.

We introduce the girls and the judges. Paula is back. “She was underneath the desk,” say Randy and Simon. “Yeah,” says Randy, “she needed to get something for me.” Everyone laughs because it’s really funny when people give head underneath tables. Ask Antonella Barba about it sometime.

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Timba! Timber! to the Rescue

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Timbaland wants to get Britney back on top of the music game and has evidently gotten Justin Timberlake on board to help him. Justin allegedly said he would work with Britney but “she’s just gotta be serious.” Timbaland says that he wants to

“Take her away, go overseas and work (it) out. I just want to hold her hand. I want her to be in my camp, to be around Justin. I need Justin to talk to her. Help her, please!”

I don’t know if I really believe this story but I would like to. A hot Timbaland track with Britney Spears and Justin Timberlake would really make my day. I don’t know if Timbaland could save Brit Brit from her crazy and get her back in shape but this man does do wonders with music.

Maybe he could be her mentor…like in “The Next Karate Kid.” He could be her Mr. Miyagi, teach her martial arts, run with her on the beach and give her hot dance lessons. She needs a spiritual leader and since Madonna didn’t work out so well, Timbaland is the obvious second choice.

The Juice Is Loose!

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I haven’t the words.

OJ is now joking around that he’s the dad of little Dannnnielynnnn. Even better? It seems he’s not joking about the fact that he rushed all over Anna’s field.

Documentary filmmaker Norm Pardo — who filmed 70 hours of footage with Simpson from 2000 to 2005 — told the New York Post that Simpson said “he knew Anna Nicole pretty well, and he said he had slow-moving sperm, and he might be the father.”

This story can not get any weirder. When they make the movie in 50 years (Like Seabiscuit) people won’t believe it could have happened on this planet.

Shout it from the rooftops. The murderer banged the bunny.

Lance Bass Writes Brilliantly Titled Memoir

AstroBass

Okay, okay. Lance Bass wrote a memoir. What is it titled? You have thirty seconds. Go.

If you didn’t guess Out of Sync, you were thinking way too hard. Of course that’s what he titled it. Because, seriously, how much gayer could a title get?

At all of 27 years old, Bass is planning to release a tell-all memoir for release this fall. The book will talk about his experiences with *NSYNC, his training as a Cosmonaut (although he never actually went to space, because MTV, who was supposed to foot the bill, pulled out), his decision to exit the closet in a very public manner, and his then-public relationship with Amazing Race star Reichen Leimkuhl.

I have to admit, although it’s easy to mock Lance for doing this, it’s a hell of lot more respectable than appearing on Dancing with the Stars (isn’t that right, Joey Fatone?). And Chris Kirkpatrick? I don’t think I’ve heard that name since Eminem was rhyming it with “you can get your ass kicked.” So props to you, Lance, and good luck with all this.

Lauren Conrad to Release Online Fashion Line

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I suppose it should be refreshing that the latest celebrity to launch a fashion line actually went to fashion school. Lauren Conrad, former star of Laguna Beach and the last bastion of likability on The Hills (I liked you for one day, Heidi. But then you got back with Spencer and I remembered you suck.), is launching her own fashion line — digitally, on Virtual Hills.

This is more an MTV story than a Lauren Conrad story. Poor MTV has been flailing in the online arena lately, as more of their target demographic turns away from the television and onto the Internet, ignoring MTV Overdrive and the like for social networking sites like MySpace and Facebook. MTV fought back last month by laying off 250 employees and announcing plans to focus on online operations.

They’re trying to hype Virtual Hills and Virtual Laguna Beach here, and they’re using Lauren to help out. Says the PR release:

The introduction of Lauren’s physical and virtual world fashion lines takes the concept of personal expression to new heights for a generation of viewers who take their online persona as seriously as their real-world presence. Reflecting the casual yet smart aesthetic of her real-world attire, the virtual clothing line inspired by Lauren will make its debut in Virtual Hills tonight (http://www.virtualhills.mtv.com), March 6th at 8 p.m. ET / 5 p.m. PT, where fans will be able to buy clothes with in-world currency.

So, if you’re a teenage girl whose avatar would look cute in Lauren’s clothing, you should check this out. And, if you’re one of the 43-year-old male perverts composing 82% of the Virtual Hills community, with an avatar who would look cute in Lauren’s clothing, you should definitely check this out.

If you actually want to buy Lauren’s clothing line, so you can wear its pieces on your real-life body, no dice. They won’t be in stores until later this year, if ever, because, you know, that’s not really MTV’s priority right now. Hey, Lauren: you should have gone to Paris.