Today's Evil Beet Gossip

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Jessica Simpson‘s breasts continue their comeback tour. [Holy Candy]

Paris Hilton was photographed smoking a joint at Coachella. [Daily Stab]

Was Britney raped shortly before her break-down? [A Socialite's Life]

Hayden Panettiere filmed a movie in Africa, and now thinks she might “go over there and bring food.” That’s so sweet, Hayden. While you’re at it, could you pick up some CPK and swing it by my place? LABite takes forever. Plus there are way fewer guerilla armies west of the 405. [Derek Hail]

Is Amy Winehouse going to be the new Bond girl? They could name the character Alotta Blow. [Bree]

Tobey Maguire still loves his little girl. Enjoy this, Tobey, because in about ten years she’ll be a rude, thoughtless little pig who films you while you drunkenly consume cheeseburgers. [Cele|bitchy]

Who knew Sofia Loren still had a rack like this? [DListed]

Hef’s third-favorite girlfriend, Kendra Wilkinson, hits up Miami in a bikini. Yay summer! [Hollywood Tuna]

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are still together and probably still fighting over who used whose hair products. [Hollywood Rag]

The latest Paris Hilton upskirt pics. [Drunken Stepfather]

Brad Pitt needs a stunt butt. [Agent Bedhead]

Simulated rape on-stage does not go over well with advertisers, Akon. [The Blemish]

Shakira‘s new video. [popbytes]

Paris Hilton Files to Appeal

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Hilton’s lawyers are filing to appeal the sentencing Paris received on Friday, essentially claiming the the trial judge did not have a right to give Paris the 45 days of jail time.

View the appeal here.

I don’t think this means she will necessary be granted an appeal, just that she’s trying to get one …

Meanwhile, Gawker’s selling “Don’t Free Paris” shirts. This would be an acceptable “I love you, Beet” gift if anyone wants to get me something just because.

Ty Pennington Sobers Up …

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God, it must have sucked to wake up as Ty Pennington today. Like, it’s one thing if you’re Paris Hilton and you score a DUI — everyone has their fun with it, but you’re famous for being a party girl anyway, so what the hell, at least it keeps you in the papers. But when you’re Ty Fucking Pennington, America’s Golden Boy and host of what is arguably the most family-friendly, red-state-courting, Jesus-loving show in evening network television, this fucking sucks. It’s like Barney got caught shooting up.

Anyway, Ty-Ty shook off the hangover for long enough to get this statement out well in time for the east-coast evening news:

I made an error in judgment. We all make mistakes, however this is about accountability. Under no circumstances should anyone consume alcohol while driving. I could have jeopardized the lives of others and I am grateful there was no accident or harm done to anyone. This was my wake-up call. I also want to apologize to my fans, ABC Television and my design team for my lapse in judgment and the embarrassment I have caused.

Hey, Ty, just a little tip: if they suspend your license and put you on probation, don’t drive anymore. Just trust me on this one.

Brit Did a Vegas Show Yesterday

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I guess there were actually four mini-shows on Brit’s “comeback” agenda. You would have heard about this last one sooner, except Paris is going to jail and Lindsay got caught on tape doing cocaine, and all of a sudden no one cares that Britney’s bouncing around on stage for a few minutes.

Brit did another 5-song, 14-minute set at the House of Blues in Las Vegas on Sunday. She wore the same skimpy fuschia top we’ve consistently seen her in, and sang “Hit Me Baby,” “I’m A Slave,” “Breathe on Me,” “Do Something” and “Toxic.”

She was lipsynching, per usual.

“It was just to create a buzz and it worked,” said one of Britney’s dancers.

[source]

Blind Item!

“Which hard-partying starlet, we hear, will soon be seeking a new publicity rep? The drug and alcohol gossip was one thing, but she hates those pesky lesbian rumors that keep turning up in print.”

[via R&M]

Aw, I Kind of Feel Bad for David Hasselhoff Now

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So in the wake of Cheeseburger-Gate, a judge has apparently taken away The Hoff’s visitation rights with his two teenage daughter. He can communicate with them over the phone only.

In a statement, Hoff said: “Despite that I have been going through a painful divorce and I have recently been separated from my children due to my work, I have been successfully dealing with my issue,” he said. Unfortunately, one evening I did have a brief relapse, but part of recovery is relapse. I have seen the tape. I have learned from it and I am back on my game,” he said. The tape was never meant to become public but got into the hands of individuals who are not worthy of mentioning, who maliciously released the tape for their own self purpose. I hope that someone else will learn from the tape, as I have.”

He claims his teenage daughters made the tape one night to show him what he was like when he was drunk, because they were concerned for his safety.

Hopefully he will get back on his feet and be able to stay sober! Good luck, Hoff!