Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Dannielynn Paternity Results Expected Tomorrow

I have no idea why I’m running this story. Maybe because everyone else is running it. It’s like the night before the Oscars, when everyone’s running these “It’s the Night Before the Oscars” stories and it doesn’t really matter because the decisions have been made and are sitting in an envelope at PricewaterhouseCoopers and the only thing that could possibly make the whole mess interesting is if somehow Talladega Nights won Best Picture as a write-in candidate. I think everyone kind of knows Larry Birkhead is the daddy right now. Even Howard K. Stern is starting to backpedal. Personally, I hope something more exciting happens. I hope, like, the Broward County Medical Examiner happened to have, say, Matt Lauer’s DNA on file, and the kid turns out to be his. I want it to be something like that.

Maybe we should liveblog the Dannielynn paternity revealing. Do you think the whole thing will be televised? Probably. Lars, you want this one?

Anyway, we’ll get the results of the DNA testing tomorrow. We’ll keep you posted around here.

Lindsay Lohan Sure Does Love That Foreigner T-Shirt

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She paired it with white shorts while hanging out in Beverly Hills during the day of April 2. That night, she switched to black shorts and two different jackets to hit up Hyde and Winston’s. Then, at night on April 3, she hit up a sushi joint in Hollywood wearing that shirt with jeans and a sweater.

She also seems to be pretty into the handcuff theme. Note the handcuffs hanging off her rear-view mirror and the fact that she has two identical handcuff necklaces, one in silver and one in gold. In the sushi pics, she is wearing the silver one, with the gold one attached to the bottom of her t-shirt.

Kirsten Dunst is Retarded

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I love how, in her latest quote to make the Internet rounds, Kirsten Dunst not only admits to using drugs and recommends that the whole world use drugs, but also totally calls out Carl Sagan on his drug use. Like, really, Kirsten? That’s how we’re going to justify our drug use? By throwing a dead, world-renowned astronomer under the bus? She must have been high. Here’s the quote:

“I drink moderately, I’ve tried drugs. I do like weed. I have a different outlook on marijuana than America does. My best friend Sasha’s dad was Carl Sagan, the astronomer. He was the biggest pot smoker in the world and he was a genius.

I’ve never been a major smoker, but I think America’s view on weed is ridiculous. I mean – are you kidding me? If everyone smoked weed, the world would be a better place.

I’m not talking about being stoned all day, though. I think if it’s not used properly, it can hamper your creativity and close you up inside.”

Jason Wahler Arrested

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I’d make this headline “Jason Wahler Arrested (Again),” but, see, I already did that. On March 5 of this year, I ran the headline “Jason Wahler Arrested Once Again,” a minor deviation from the headline I ran in late September of last year, “Jason Wahler Arrested … Again.” I’m just going to leave the “Again” part out this time and trust that you folks have already noticed the pattern.

Jason Wahler was arrested this weekend, for the fourth time in nine months, this time in Seattle. Maybe being in Sanjaya’s hometown got him all riled up. Wahler was picked up just after 2 a.m. on Sunday for criminal trespassing and assault. Basically, he punched some guy in the lobby of his hotel. And just in case that alone wasn’t going to make the papers, Wahler opted to call the arresting officer a slew of racist and homophobic terms I don’t feel particularly comfortable repeating here, but which you can read for yourself in the incident report. Let’s just say the guy gave Mel Gibson a run for his money. He was booked at King County Jail and released about nine hours later.

This arrest comes, of course, on the heels of rumors that Wahler made a sex tape with his former Hills co-star, Lauren Conrad, and is threatening to release it before he goes to jail for his September arrest. Conrad has denied the existence of such a tape, but there’s been no comment from Wahler’s camp, most likely because they can’t find the time to issue press releases when all their time is spent bailing their client out of jail.

When People Complain about the System

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Ladies and gents, it’s fun with Hollywood quotes time! Where the people are just as stupid as everyone else, but their words are published all over the universe.

AP NEW YORK – Kate Beckinsale says what’s considered the ideal look in Hollywood is completely different than anywhere else in the world. “I don’t think you can aspire to it, nor can I,” she tells Glamour magazine in its May issue, on newsstands Tuesday.

Just a rumor, but I heard the chick interviewing her was like a deuce. Maybe a deuce and a half. That’s why she told the poor heifer she shouldn’t sweat it. Also, and follow closely on this logic, if you aspired to look a certain way, and then they made you look that way… well then you’d be fine right?

“Everybody is retouched, stretched, lengthened, slimmed and trimmed. I could look at a picture of myself from the past and think, `Why don’t I look like that now?’ It’s because I never have!”

Okay, but having your pictures retouched actually helped you. All those people out in “normal-people” land saw you and thought “Wowsers. She’s hot.” Then they went and saw Planet of the Apes and thought “Wow, she’s hot even as an ape!” In other news those people are freaks. Why do you find apes hot, freak? Huh?

“This is what’s sick about living in L.A. My 8-year-old daughter (Lily) will point to a woman and say, `Look! That woman’s had too much Botox.”

Dude, her eight year old sounds like a hoot. Count me in for babysitting the little pistol.

“When I was pregnant … I gained 65 pounds. Every single part of my body was thicker, even my scalp! But that’s the advantage of being young, it went right back.”

Nice. Nice. So ladies, a quick lesson for ya, if you gain a ton of weight you damn well better take it off if you’re under 35. That’s something to aspire to.

Oh Hollywood actresses, you confuse me when you use your words!

Charlotte Church Not Cute Pregnant

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So you know those girls that get pregnant and use it as an excuse to get fat? I have a feeling that Charlotte Church is one of them. Here she is on a beach in Thailand letting it all out. She only is four months pregnant so the pooch is a hold out from her boozing days.

I actually love Charlotte Church. When I lived in London for a bit I realized that she is the tabloid equivalent to Britney Spears/Paris Hilton out there. She stopped selling music a while ago but her TV show is a hit and her wild behavior has always been tabloid fodder.

I hope that her hot boyfriend doesn’t leave her in the dust when she has this baby. She has been very vocal about her love for Gavin Henson. He is a dreamboat and hopefully he will allow Char to eat for two in peace. Short girls just can’t do that lean long pregnant look.

You Should Actually See Grindhouse, Even If You’re a Girl

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On Friday night, all my girlfriends bailed on me, and I wound up hanging out with four super-hot guys. Great, right? No, not at all, because all they wanted to do was see Grindhouse, the new Robert Rodriguez/Quentin Tarantino three-hour-and-eleven-minutes exploitastic double-feature. “Can’t we see Blades of Glory,” I whined. “Or at least The Lookout?” But the boys were having none of it. Their minds were made up, and I could go along, or I could go home and spend a Friday night alone. Better at Grindhouse with hot guys than home alone, right? So I went.

Based on the previews and the hype, I’d pegged both the films as violent, gross-out, Rose McGowan-naked films, with very little to offer me (okay, Rose McGowan naked is hot, but still…). And all of that was pretty much true, but it turned out I really loved the movie. I think I liked it better than most of the guys. The first one is more futuristic/sci-fi/terror, all genres that I typically hate, but for some reason I really, really liked it. It was fun, funny, entertaining, intriguing and sexy in a sweet way, not sexy for the sex of it. And the second one actually ends up being a total girl power film. I swear! It’s a little slow getting started, and very literary (I kept thinking it seemed like it was based on a short story), but at the end it’s all adrenaline, and totally about female strength and empowerment (I won’t say much more because I don’t want to give anything away). Oh, and Fergie dies! (Sorry.) You can’t get much better than that, can you? And the chick who was Uma Thurman’s stunt double in the Kill Bill movies has a starring role in the second one. Pretty cool, eh?

So if your boyfriend is trying to drag you to this movie and you keep resisting, go ahead and let him win this one. It totally doesn’t suck.