Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Trying Hard to Care About Uma

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I think Letterman’s joke about Uma meeting Oprah was fine. He was noting odd two syllable names. Whatever.

Uma Thurman and hotelier Andre Balazs have ended their three-year, on-again, off-again relationship, a source close to the actress tells PEOPLE.

I might have dated her right after Kill Bill 2 wrapped shooting. Maybe. If she offered to teach me kung fu for instance. Now? Egh.

So to recap, Uma has broken up with some guy, unlike Oprah who is still with the guy who’s not into women.

Good.

Carol Burnett Will Work for Food

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First the news, then the skewering:

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Carol Burnett has filed a $2 million copyright infringement lawsuit against 20th Century Fox, claiming her cleaning woman character was portrayed on the animated series Family Guy.

$2 million bucks?? Is the inference that a couple hundred thousand people were headed out to the store to buy Carol Burnett’s greatest hits (does that even exist?) but after a 17 second clip they’ve now had their fill?

Carol Burnett, you are an idiot. If you have any money left, which most likely you don’t or you wouldn’t being wasting time and energy fighting what is an unwinnable case, you should spend it on removing your head from your ass. You were a comedian. You made funny jokes, or at least my grandparents told me you did before they died. Family Guy is in the business of making jokes. Surely you see the reason you are doomed in this case don’t you?

Also, no one knows what the “cleaning woman character” is. You can’t infringe what doesn’t exist. I can’t infringe on the Sasquatch.

Satire is protected by the right to free speech, plain and simple. This is why everyone and their Rabbi is allowed to call Tom Cruise a boy-loving whackjob. It’s the burden of being a public figure.

I think you should PAY Family Guy because the chance of anyone even remembering you were a human on this planet without them was very small indeed.

I hate you.

Jenna Jameson Needs to Do Her Roots

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I kid, I kid. She’s all over that like Jenna Jameson on a penis. Her hair’s sporting more bleach than Jenna Jameson’s asshole.

What she might want to do is eat, though. Something besides dick, I mean. Was that too easy? Not as easy as Jenna Jameson!

Okay, okay, sorry, I’m not trying to be a total cocksucker … unlike some people I know!

I crack myself up sometimes …

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Um, Yeah, Travis & Shanna Are Back Together

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He threw her a birthday party (she’s 32, but who’s counting?) in Miami this weekend, which is weird because her birthday is March 28, but when you have a good excuse to have Mark McGrath and Scott Storch in the same place at the same time, why wait??? Unless you’re afraid the universe might just implode into the black hole of cultural fucking relevance formed when these two are in close proximity. Kim Stewart’s tasteful ass is there, too, because her best friend was banging Travis while he was separated from his wife, and because there might be a pink motorcycle she can fall off of. Happy birthday, Shanna. Love the bangs, doll. Try not to get herpes.

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