Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Hilary Admits That “Baby Fat” Was Kind of a Lie

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So obviously when Hilary Duff got really skinny she wasn’t just “losing her baby fat” as she kept repeating to the media. Hilary says she felt pressure to lose weight which makes sense since the second any woman in Hollywood strays from washboard abs blogs put them on “bump watch.”

“I did get skinny. I’ve felt that pressure like everyone else in my position. When a newspaper comes out that says ‘Duff Puff – she must have gained 15 pounds’ or something like that, how would any normal person react? It’s so mean, but everyone keeps buying that stuff and talking about it, so it’s not going to go away.”

I’m happy to say Hilary does look more healthy these days. It is honestly sad that a lot of these young starlets compare themselves to fugs like Nicole Richie who just look ill rather than thin and fit. Hillary take a cue from ScoJo…work your womanly curves and let the cokeheads of Hollywood do their own thing.

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I’m Not Saying Lindsay Lohan Doesn’t Do Cocaine

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But this, folks — Perez and everyone else who’s running this story — is not cocaine. This is light reflecting off big-ass diamond earrings. Story after story lately implies that sobriety didn’t really take for Linds, at least not this time around, but, come on, that doesn’t necessarily mean that anything appearing white and powderish within a 20-mile vicinity of her person is always cocaine. Sometimes it’s heroin.

Monday Morning Music

Right when I was graduating from high school I bought a Guster CD after seeing a video on VH1. Thankfully, they only really sold out that once and on the DL have been producing amazing tunes for over a decade that escape mainstream radio and TV play. I have been a big fan of this band ever since that first CD and also have gotten the chance to see them live about four times. If you haven’t seen them live you are missing out. The drummer plays his drums with his hands…it is kind of awesome to watch, espically after a few drinks. This song “Satellite” is another one of their super catchy tunes and the video is quite fun. If you haven’t checked out Guster yet, please do and you will be hooked.

Trying Hard to Care About Uma

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I think Letterman’s joke about Uma meeting Oprah was fine. He was noting odd two syllable names. Whatever.

Uma Thurman and hotelier Andre Balazs have ended their three-year, on-again, off-again relationship, a source close to the actress tells PEOPLE.

I might have dated her right after Kill Bill 2 wrapped shooting. Maybe. If she offered to teach me kung fu for instance. Now? Egh.

So to recap, Uma has broken up with some guy, unlike Oprah who is still with the guy who’s not into women.

Good.

Carol Burnett Will Work for Food

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First the news, then the skewering:

LOS ANGELES (AP) — Carol Burnett has filed a $2 million copyright infringement lawsuit against 20th Century Fox, claiming her cleaning woman character was portrayed on the animated series Family Guy.

$2 million bucks?? Is the inference that a couple hundred thousand people were headed out to the store to buy Carol Burnett’s greatest hits (does that even exist?) but after a 17 second clip they’ve now had their fill?

Carol Burnett, you are an idiot. If you have any money left, which most likely you don’t or you wouldn’t being wasting time and energy fighting what is an unwinnable case, you should spend it on removing your head from your ass. You were a comedian. You made funny jokes, or at least my grandparents told me you did before they died. Family Guy is in the business of making jokes. Surely you see the reason you are doomed in this case don’t you?

Also, no one knows what the “cleaning woman character” is. You can’t infringe what doesn’t exist. I can’t infringe on the Sasquatch.

Satire is protected by the right to free speech, plain and simple. This is why everyone and their Rabbi is allowed to call Tom Cruise a boy-loving whackjob. It’s the burden of being a public figure.

I think you should PAY Family Guy because the chance of anyone even remembering you were a human on this planet without them was very small indeed.

I hate you.

Jenna Jameson Needs to Do Her Roots

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I kid, I kid. She’s all over that like Jenna Jameson on a penis. Her hair’s sporting more bleach than Jenna Jameson’s asshole.

What she might want to do is eat, though. Something besides dick, I mean. Was that too easy? Not as easy as Jenna Jameson!

Okay, okay, sorry, I’m not trying to be a total cocksucker … unlike some people I know!

I crack myself up sometimes …

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