Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Larry David Discusses His Divorce

Larry David arrives at the Vanity Fair Oscar party February 27, 2011

I realize that almost all late-night talk television is meticulously scripted. But last night, when smarmy Tonight Show host Jay Leno asked Curb Your Enthusiasm’s Larry David about his 2007 divorce, Larry’s side of the conversation sure had the uncomfortable ring of authenticity.

Larry David on his ex-wife:

Well, she thought that it would be nice to have sex with someone she liked. She wanted to try that. Y’know? She figured she’d give that…. And I said, it’s not a good idea. Because you never wanna have sex with people you like. That doesn’t work. No. You can’t have good sex with people you like. Doing those things? And then you’re supposed to talk to them?

Snooki’s Beach-Ready Pickle Sandals

Snooki's pickle sandals

Nicole Polizzi is already a New York Times bestselling author, but she hasn’t quite finished, um, “smushing” the cultural zeitgeist, so to speak.

The ebullient munchkin recently announced her new line of “beach footwear” and flip-flops, primed to launch this very holiday season. Which is perfect! I always start shopping for open-toed platform wedges in December.

No word yet on how much Snooki Enterprises LLC will charge for those pink sequined pickle sandals, but Polizzi promises footwear at every price point, ranging from $15 to $50.

Then again, if you love pickles as much as Snooki does, just follow her lead and duct-tape a Vlasic jar underneath each foot. You know, like Moon Shoes. What.

Stephen Colbert’s Commencement Speech: the Drinking Game!

Stephen Colbert

Yesterday, Stephen Colbert delivered the 2011 commencement address to Northwestern’s graduating class.

To help you through all 21 minutes of Colbert’s speech, I have assembled this handy-dandy Drinking Game! It is very collegiate, challenging the fortitude of your delicate organ tissues.

Please note: Drinking Game Participation shall be in strict accordance with the laws and bylaws of players’ respective counties, states, provinces, whatevers, et al. Note, too: I have also assumed that participants are just lonely enough to sit at their laptop computers and drink directly from Beam bottles. Play at your own risk.

The conditions of the Game are delineated below:

1.) Drink anytime Stephen Colbert gets “meta” or “postmodern.” To clarify, I’ve transcribed an example:

Now, as you have explained to your grandparents, my name is Stephen Colbert. But I also play a character on TV who is named Stephen Colbert, and I don’t always know which one of us has been invited to speak. Well, today I am fairly confident that I am me, because I went to Northwestern University. And my character went to Dartmouth, so he was there for graduation last weekend and heard Conan speak. It was a really good speech, but he was hoping it was gonna be Leno.

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