Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Guess Jew

If you’re anything like me, you need a good laugh to dissolve the intense, intense anger you’re feeling after watching the final episode of The Sopranos. I won’t give away any specific plot details for those of you who recorded it, but suffice it to say: Fuck you, David Chase. Okay? Fuck. You. I think I understand what it feels like to have blue balls now. So, like, I’d like to offer an long-overdue apology to all those guys from back in high school. That was not cool of me.

Anyway, check out this short film, Guess Jew. It’s pretty funny.

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Alicia Silverstone has animals, so who needs a career? [Agent Bedhead]

Julia Roberts is very pregnant. [Gabby Babble]

Emily Scott is hot and in lingerie. [F&C]

No amount of cocaine can stop Kate Moss from being sexy. [CityRag]

Tori Amos weighs in on the G8 summit in her own special way. [popbytes]

Adam Brody‘s got a new girlfriend. You’ve never heard of her. [POTP]

Mandy Moore won’t let you see her naked. [The Bosh]

Neither will Orlando Bloom. [Celebslam]

Jessica Alba is purty. [The Blemish]

Guyliner: hot or not? Vote, people! [Bree]

Carrie Underwood playing softball. It doesn’t get a lot cuter than this. [Drunken Stepfather]

Someone should really do a “Top Ten Reasons Why The Guy Who’d Planned to Kidnap David Letterman‘s Son Was Able to Escape from Prison.” I’d do it, but I don’t actually care that much. [A Socialite's Life]

Paris Hilton Won’t Pee

According to The Daily News, one of the reasons Paris was getting so sick at Lynwood was that she refused to eat or drink for three days, because she didn’t want to have to pee in her little cell. Apparently the toilet in the cell was visible to those outside, and she was terrified that someone would take a picture of her on the can. That’s hot. There are special websites for things like that, you know.

The stainless steel lavatory in the hotel heiress’ 12-foot-by-8-foot cell was in plain view of a large window in the door, which guards could look through 24 hours a day.

“She was absolutely terrified that one of the guards or staffers would get her with the cell-phone cam and it would wind up on the Internet,” a Hilton insider said yesterday.

“She didn’t eat or drink a single thing for three days because she didn’t want to use the toilet. She was in real danger.”

Hilton also suffered from “extreme claustrophobia” and began hyperventilating and freaking out.

“She cried the entire time, and that wasn’t helping the dehydration,” the source said.

Jail medical officials became concerned that severe dehydration and a buildup of waste and toxins in Hilton’s body could cause a complete collapse and “even kill her,” the source said.

Also, TMZ reports that Paris was only allowed two visitors today — her first visitors yet — and she chose sister Nicky and Stavros Niarchos. Her mom and dad will visit on Tuesday. She is reportedly doing a lot better today, as she’s been under heavy sedation and is on whatever meds she needed. Seriously, people, when is someone going to leak what these meds were? It’s been like three days. It’s time.

Celebs Come Out for Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation

Rachel Bilson Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Disney event picture

Everyone seemed to be in a genuinely good mood on Sunday at the Disney-sponsored event to support the Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Foundation in Westwood.

Jamie-Lynn Spears was there with an unidentified guest (a boyfriend, maybe? Anyone know who this Abercrombied hottie is?), and, boy, she must just be really happy that it’s not her sister in jail right now. A very pregnant Bridget Moynahan was goofing around with an adorable Molly Sims. Lauren Conrad showed up with Audrina Patridge (not surprisingly, there was no Heidi Montag in sight). Carmen Electra showed up, as did ex-hubby Dave Navarro (wearing the most adorable little shirt — I’m pretty sure I got the same one at Banana Republic a few seasons ago). Brooke Burke even brought a cowboy hat. And, of course, my darling Ashley Tisdale, once again investing her time and energy in charity rather than partying.

Carmen Electra Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric Aids Picture Dave Navarro Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Disney event picture Rachel Bilson Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Disney event picture Brooke Burke Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Disney event picture Bridget Moynahan Molly Sims Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Disney event picture Molly Sims Bridget Moynahan Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Disney event picture Lauren Conrad Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Disney event picture Ashley Tisdale Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Disney event picture Jamie-Lynn Spears Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Disney event picture Jamie Lynn Spears Elizabeth Glaser Pediatric AIDS Disney event picture

Twins for Twins! Ashley Olsen Helps Launch Sprouse Bros New Line

Ashley Olsen Sprouse Brothers Clothing Line

Ashley Olsen spent time in Hollywood on Saturday to help launch the Sprouse Bros. clothing line. The Spouse Brothers — for those of you who aren’t pre-teen boys or their parents — are Dylan and Cole Sprouse, twin actors who starred in The Suite Life of Zach & Cody. (Those of us who are a little older will remember them as Ross’s son Ben on Friends.) They signed a licensing agreement with Dualstar Entertainment in 1995 (that’s Ashley and MK’s company), and this clothing line is the latest brainchild of that partnership. If I were the parents of these boys, I’d be keeping them as far away from the Olsen twins as humanly possible. Heh, maybe that’s why MK wasn’t there. Pre-emptive restraining order or something.

Every source I can find swears to me that these boys were born in August of 1992, which makes them nearly 15 years old, right? Is it just me or do they look more like 8? Or is this what 15-year-olds look like? Am I really just that far removed from anyone under the age of 25? Because, like, this is not what Lindsay Lohan looked like at 15, I can tell ya that.

Ashley Olsen with Baby Sprouse Bros Clothing Line Launch Ashley Olsen Cole and Dylan Sprouse Clothing Line Ashley Olsen Cole and Dylan Sprouse Clothing Line Picture Ashley Olsen Cole and Dylan Sprouse Bothers Photo

Katherine Heigl Picked Up for Fourth Season of Grey’s Anatomy

Katherine Heigl Contract Grey’s Anatomy

After a well-publicized argument over her contract for the upcoming season of Grey’s Anatomy, it seems Katherine Heigl has been offered a place on the show next season.

“Katherine has received a formal pick-up notice and is still hopeful that ABC will show her the same respect that they have shown for her co-stars,” says her rep.

This quote makes it sound to me like she’s not sure she’s going to take them up on their offer. With the runaway success of her latest film, Knocked Up, and the cliff-hanger between Izzie and George at the end of season three, she doesn’t necessarily need them as much as they need her these days. Most of her co-stars have been signed for around $200K an episode plus a share of the show’s profits. Heigl was initially offered considerably less, and that’s why she left the negotiations, and my guess is that if ABC doesn’t step up to the plate, Katherine’s going to walk away again.

Hilton’s Lawyers Won’t Appeal

Paris Hilton Will Not File Appeal

Today, “Paris Hilton” issued the following statement. I am certain that Paris Hilton had absolutely nothing to do with this statement, as a) it is spelled correctly and b) Paris reportedly hasn’t eaten or slept since she arrived at the Twin Towers medical facility on Friday afternoon. Various sources have described her as “a train wreck” and “teetering on the brink.” I doubt she’s issuing press statements in her spare time.

“Today I told my attorneys not to appeal the judge’s decision. While I greatly appreciate the Sheriff’s concern for my health and welfare, after meeting with doctors I intend to serve my time as ordered by the judge.

This is by far the hardest thing I have ever done. During the past several days, I have had a lot of time to reflect and have already learned a bitter, but important lesson from this experience.

As I have said before, I hope others will learn from my mistake. I have also had time to read the mail from my fans. I very much appreciate all of their good wishes and hope they will keep their letters coming.

I must also say that I was shocked to see all of the attention devoted to the amount of time I would spend in jail for what I had done by the media, public and city officials. I would hope going forward that the public and the media will focus on more important things, like the men and women serving our country in Iraq, Afghanistan and other places around the world.”

Ugh. Don’t you get it, Paris? You’re our distraction from the war. We keep people like you in the headlines because we are so, so tired of reading headlines about Iraq. Because genuinely horrible things are happening over there, honest-to-God tragedies — we know that — and it is much, much better to immerse ourselves in your little self-inflicted mini-tragedy.

Paris Whitney Hilton, a nation salutes you.

Image (photoshopped) courtesy of PrettyOnTheOutside.