Today's Evil Beet Gossip

AmIdol Recap

It’s Top Ten night, kids!!! Ryan Seacrest is celebrating by wearing a purple tie. His shirt may be lavender, or it may be white and reflecting the purple rays of the tie. There’s just no telling.

Fair warning: AmIdol always catches me on bad nights. I haven’t slept in days, I’m four days off my nicotine patch (shout-out to Dustin) and someone actually suggested to me tonight, in earnest, that I start smoking again. So there will be gratuitous profanity, guys. Oh yes.

We’ve got Gwen Stefani tonight. She’s been working with the contestants, and her make-up is incredibly understated. I barely recognize her. She looks younger somehow, and far less frightening. Pretty, almost. I had no idea how fucked up her teeth were.

LaKisha kicks us off. “Last Dance,” which I think is legally required to be performed on every season of American Idol at least three times. It’s in the production contract somewhere. I hate this song so passionately, but it is tolerable in comparison to what LaKisha is wearing right now. It’s some sort of silk wrap dress, but the bottom is a floral pattern and the top is very digital age. And it has 3/4 sleeves, which makes me want to die. Oh, and did I mention the hooker boots? I am so very unhappy with her right now. Ha. Randy “loved” the boots. Paula thought she was excellent. Simon thinks she seems 30 years younger this week. LaKisha’s former employer has wisely scored some free advertising out of this, as the camera pans to her former coworkers in the audience holding signs that say “Providence Bank” and something about LaKisha. I actually can’t believe they let them in with those signs. I wonder if they slipped past security somehow. Because when you think about what this show is charging for a 30 second spot … maybe Providence Bank actually paid to have those signs in there. Whatever. I need to stop analyzing the inner workings of this show. It’s bad for my complexion.

Chris Sligh used to be funny, but this show has sucked all the funny out of him. Ryan asks him a viewer question — “What do you do with your down time?” — and he’s all like “knitting, crocheting, maybe playing the bongos in my boxer shorts,” and all the funny in a 20-mile radius is destroyed on impact. Honestly, some poor comic is doing stand-up at the Laugh Factory down the street and can’t for the life of him figure out why his act isn’t working tonight. It’s because Chris Sligh killed the funny, dude. Like a fucking nuke. Ryan, always loathe to miss an opportunity to be grossly homophobic on the most-watched show on television, is all like, “Well, I feel comfortable now,” and everyone laughs, because gay people are different and no one is safe around them. Can we get to the singing now? Eh. Eventually. He’s singing “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.”

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Oceans 546 Coming Soon to a Theater Near You


I’m inclined to agree with Cord on this one; these folks stopped caring about the plots of these things sometime in early 2002. At this point they’re just kind of like “We are so goddamn hot we could spend 2 hours reciting nursery rhymes and, as long as we’re alternating between wearing Italian suits and nothing at all, people will see this movie, so let’s make it.” Stills for Oceans 13 below.

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Wynonna Judd Files for Divorce


I suppose that’s the next indicated step when your husband is arrested for aggravated sexual battery against a minor under the age of 13. That’s some hard-core fucking up of a marriage. I mean, poor Wynonna can lose all the weight in the world, get a face lift, a tummy tuck and a boob job, but she’ll never look like a 10-year-old again. Sometimes you just have to admit you can’t compete.

Her husband, D.R. Roach (honestly that should have been the first sign that the marriage wouldn’t work: when he was like “Hi, my name’s D.R. Roach“) was arrested on March 22, but Wynonna didn’t file for divorce until after the story broke today.

“I am obviously devastated,” Wynonna said in a statement. “Our family will pull together, begin the healing process and hopefully — by the Grace of God — become stronger. We will move forward with our faith, family and our friends to find resolution to this difficult situation.”

How to Plug Your Television Show and Fuck Over Paris Hilton at the Same Time


It’s a fine art, a precise and powerful craft, and one carefully studied by the likes of Nick Carter and now, apparently, Randy Spelling, who’s teaming up with David Weintraub and Sean Stewart (Kimberly’s brother and Rod’s son) to subject us all to another we-are-important-because-our-daddies-were series, this time titled “Sons of Hollywood” and skillfully marketed by the good folks at A&E. Spelling claims he’s the penis that started it all: Paris Hilton’s first lay.

“We were together for like two months. We went to Palm Springs once for the weekend, and we couldn’t check into the hotel under her name because her grandma was looking for her. She was like 15; I was 17. And what do you know, I hear this knock-knock-knock on the door, and I look out and her grandma’s there. And then I look out the window and I see Paris in a full-on dress with a suitcase running down the golf course. We broke up like a week later.”

That’s actually a genuinely funny story.

Says his buddy Weintraub: “Randy was Paris’ number one and her number 50 and number 150.”

Honestly, don’t these people have anything better to do with their lives than air their dirty laundry on national television? This is just a goddamn upper-crust Jerry Springer. Randy Spelling, I bet it has been killing you all these years to watch your sister get so much fame and attention and meanwhile you know that you fucked Paris Hilton first and you have no effective means of distributing this information to the masses. Thank God for A&E.

Hidden at the bottom of this article is perhaps the best part, as the “Sons of Hollywood” talk about the rest of the cast of characters in the thirty-mile zone: “Bai Ling was really crazy,” said Randy. “She earnestly told us she is from the moon. She said she comes down from the moon on weekends to change outfits. I think she believes it.”

Meanwhile, Randy Spelling looks freakishly like a member of the Sutherland family. Um, I wonder if his mother has something to tell his late father.