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15Oh Vomit


Here’s Heidi Montag backstage at her “fashion show” for her “fashion line” which will be sold through Anchor Blue.


Okay, look, I like to think that, if I had a body like that, I’d still have better sense than to dress that way. Especially at an event where I’m supposed to be the resident professional. I don’t know if that’s true, but I’ll never again have a body like that, so I’ll never have to find out. When I was 14, I used to dress like that. And I looked damn good. All the men at the bus stops thought so.

Ha ha, I remember in 8th grade, we had a class “field trip” to a homeless shelter to help serve food. It was so funny. I went to this absurdly pricey private school, and they’d always have these little events to encourage us to mix with poor people. As an adult, I understand and appreciate what they were trying to do, but, as kids, we just didn’t get it. We didn’t hate poor people, we just didn’t understand what you were supposed to do with them. Like, twice a year they’d have these “mixers” with the local school for homeless kids. It was pretty much the most awkward thing ever. I think, as uninterested as we were in talking with those kids, they were even less interested in talking with us. We’d just stare at them and be like, “Um, can we give you a makeover?” and we were genuinely trying to be helpful, but of course, in retrospect, it was very awful of us. I think the whole thing just furthered the divide. We were trying to be nice, but I’m sure we ended up confirming every single stereotype those kids ever had about rich people. They were probably anti-motivated to go to college and get good jobs after meeting us, like, “I don’t want to do anything that might make me remotely like that.”

But anyway. The whole reason I’m telling this story is that, like, they took us all to the homeless shelter, and we were all dressed pretty much like Heidi Montag. Like in our little rich-middle-schooler tiny tops and tiny shorts and make-up caked on and Kate Spade purses in hand and they just paraded us into this inner-city shelter filled with homeless old men. Worst. Idea. Ever. I distinctly remember one of them looking me up and down and being like, “They didn’t make ‘em like that when I was 14,” and, at that moment, I realized that this whole trip had been terribly, terribly ill-conceived.

So I guess what I’m saying is that Heidi Montag looks like a trashy teenage wannabe slut.

April 12, 2008 at 12:12 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Heidi Montag

13I Love That a 26-Year-Old Won the Miss USA Pageant

Crystle Stewart, Miss Texas, Miss USA, Pictures, Photos

Congrats to Crystle Stewart, the 26-year-old entrepreneur who was crowned Miss USA on Friday night.

I watched about the first eight minutes of the pageant. After that, I decided to sit on my bed and stare at the wall, because it was more interesting. And the Osmonds weren’t on my wall.

Anyway, in the eight minutes that I watched, they introduced all the contestants. They were all, like, 20 years old. It made me feel sad and old. And then there were a handful of, like, 26-year-olds, and I was like, “Oh, token old people,” but then one of them actually won! I guess, after the Tara Conner mess, officials over there are trying to find beauty queens with a little more maturity. And I guess they figure that if you haven’t developed a cocaine problem by 26, you’re in the clear.

I have to admit I have a soft spot in my heart for Tara Conner, though. She weathered all that insanity with a lot of grace, and, when push came to shove, was willing to tackle her drug and alcohol problem head-on. I give her a lot of credit for that; I think, in a strange way, it actually makes her a really good role model.

But from the little that I’ve read, this Crystle girl seems smart, confident and together. Maybe she won’t have to go to rehab to be a strong, positive female role model. Crystle mentioned that she’s one of a handful of black women to be crowned Miss USA. That’s awesome, but I think it’s also worth noting that her eyes are freakishly far apart. Seriously it’s like one of her eyes is at the pageant in Las Vegas and the other is chillin’ in Reno. I don’t think Miss USA has ever crowned a winner with eyes that far apart. So she’s really also making great strides for women everywhere with freakishly far-apart eyes. Beyond that, though, she’s really pretty.

April 11, 2008 at 11:53 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Crystle Stewart

6Trump Is Everywhere

Donald Trump at International Hotel and Tower in Las Vegas, Pictures, Photos

Donald Trump — who famously doesn’t drink alcohol — raises a toast at the ribbon-cutting ceremony for the Trump International Hotel & Tower in Las Vegas. Just what Las Vegas needed: another fucking hotel. Because there aren’t enough fabulously ornate edifices in that city for young girls to get wasted out of their heads and go home with old ugly dudes from Minnesota. We needed one more. Thanks, Mr. Trump.

April 11, 2008 at 8:24 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Donald Trump

9Jessica Alba BumpWatch Continues

Jessica Alba Baby Bump, Pictures, Photos

She’s getting huuuuuuuuuuge!!!

Here’s Jess picking up some take-out food in Hollywood, and talking on her cell phone, per usual.

I don’t know why I’m so obsessed with the Jessica Alba pregnancy. I don’t even find Jessica Alba particularly interesting, but for some reason I’m just glued to watching her baby bump grow. I am so, so weird.

April 11, 2008 at 4:23 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Jessica Alba

10Elizabeth Rohm Is a Mommy

Elizabeth Rohm pregnant

I don’t really care about Elizabeth Rohm. In my mind, she’ll always be that chick from Law & Order who couldn’t act her way out of a paper bag. It was painful to watch. And didn’t it turn out, like, in her very last episode, that she was gay? And it was totally random and weird? Not that being gay is weird, just that, like, there were absolutely no signs that she was gay and then they fired her and she was like “This is because I’m gay, isn’t it?” and it was all very strange? Am I making that up?


She had a baby girl on Thursday. Little Easton August Anthony was born at Cedars-Sinai, and both mother and baby are doing well.

Elizabeth and baby-daddy Ron Wooster plan to tie the knot in September, and Easton will be their flower girl. Cuteness.

April 11, 2008 at 4:18 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Elizabeth Rohm

12I ::Heart:: Beauty Queen Drama

Raquel Beezley and Christina Silva, Pictures, Photos

Honestly, sometimes I don’t even know why we bother following the lives of movie stars and television actors. I think I would be perfectly content just to follow the existences of beauty queens.

Remember Christina Silva, the Miss California who had to give up her crown after officials notified her that there was an “accounting error”?

Well, she’s suing their asses to the tune of $500K, for “public humiliation, mental anguish and distress, lost opportunities, lost prizes and lost monies paid to and expended on her behalf.”

The former Miss Los Angeles was named the winner of the run-up to the Miss USA pageant on Nov. 25; three days later Miss California officials informed her of the “human error” that led to the screwup and asked her to please call the real winner, Miss Barstow Raquel Beezley, to pass on the news.

Silva was told she could keep the actual crown and the $4,500 Miss California USA necklace she had been given—as well as recoup her $1,500 entry fee and compete again for free.

They asked her to call Raquel Beezley herself? Dude, I would be suing them for $500 MILLION. That is such bullshit, and reflects really, really poorly on the Miss Universe organization. Not that the Miss Universe organization had previously been a bastion of integrity, but, ya know. It’s total bullshit. I hope she wins the $500K plus a lot more.

April 11, 2008 at 4:12 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized