Today's Evil Beet Gossip

DUUUUUDE JOE FRANCIS IS SOOOO FUCKED

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I’ve wondered time and time again how someone like Joe Francis sleeps at night. I guess I have my answer now: Lunesta. When I heard Francis got his ass caught with drugs in prison — the guards became suspicious after he tried to bribe one of them for a bottle of water — I wondered what it was he had smuggled in. What pill could be worth that risk? Lunesta, it turns out, and anti-anxiety med Lorazepam. There were 16 different pills in all. Turns out tough guy Joe was scared he wouldn’t get his beauty sleep in prison. Francis was charged with bribing a jail guard and having prescription sleeping pills in his cell. The president of his production company, Scott Barbour, brought him the pills; Barbour was charged with introduction of contraband into a detention facility. That’s what you get for being a friend to Joe Francis, buddy. And here’s the thing: I’m sure these white-collar criminal types do this all the time, smuggle cash and sleeping pills and anti-anxiety meds into prison. It’s probably par for the course, and the guards probably look the other way. But not with Joe Francis. He just reeks of jackass. They must have been like, “Oh no, not you, buddy. We’re going to make this as hard on you as possible.” And I love that. I want to write those guards a thank-you note. I want to send them flowers and bake them cakes. I want to bake them Funfetti cakes. And I don’t do that for very many people.

But we’re not at the best part yet! The best part requires no additional commentary. I’m just going to let you read what came across the AP wire this morning. I have bolded the only important part.

When he learned of the new charges, Joe Francis waived his right to a bond hearing for the contempt of court charge that had led to his being jailed. Francis cried as his mother blew him a kiss while he was led from a federal court room back to his cell.

“I didn’t do anything,” he told his parents as he was led away.

Awww. Poor baby! Jail is so awful. It hurts and it’s scary and it makes you want your mommy. It’s kind of like being raped by a spoiled, narcissistic, heartless porn magnate, except it’s not nearly that bad at all and this is your fault. Take it like a man, Joey.

Really, Kato, Thanks for Taking the Time to Walk the Carpet

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We know you have a lot going on these days, and you must be so tired of paparazzi constantly prying into your private life. You just want to be off the radar for a little while, you just want to get inside to enjoy the party, we understand that, but it’s really important to our editors that we get one or two good pictures of Kato Kaelin tonight. You don’t have to answer questions if you don’t want to. This’ll just take a second. Please, Kato, we’re begging you. Just go ahead and stand in front on the carpet for thirty seconds so we can get a few shots. We’d be forever indebted to you. Oh, you’ll do it? Oh, thank you, Kato! Thank you ever so much!

Jimmy Kimmel: Still Retarded

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Via Page Six:

JIMMY Kimmel sounded smug when he guest-hosted “Larry King Live” and told Gawker.com editor Emily Gould he “doesn’t know anyone who would advertise on Web sites like hers.” It turns out Kimmel’s own show, “Jimmy Kimmel Live,” buys ad space on three blogs similar to Gawker – A Socialite’s Life, Egotastic and The Superficial. Now Kim mel’s backtracked, tell ing The Post’s Mari anne Garvey, “Larry’s suspenders were very tight on me, so I didn’t complete my sentence. I have nothing against Web sites, online blogs or celebrity gossip. I was referring specifically to a site that en courages anyone with a cell phone to slander and stalk people.” Kimmel was referring to the Gawker Stalker map, which tracks celebs’ move ments.

Buuuuuullshit, Jimmy. Let’s go back to the tape, shall we? What you said was, “I don’t know why anyone would buy advertising on a website.” Period. You said that, Jimmy, immediately after talking about how Gawker ran a picture of Jabba the Hut in an article about Kevin Costner. The article (here) discussed Kevin Costner having dinner at Butter in New York City ON APRIL 4. The story ran ON APRIL 11. How very, very dangerous for Kevin Costner that anyone — anyone – with a time machine could go back 7 days and know exactly where they could find him for the anal raping. How horribly irresponsible of Gawker. Fuck that, Jimmy. You were pissed at celeb gossip blogs. You were pissed at celebrity gossip. You were pissed that Gawker had implied that you — co-host of The Man Show – were inebriated. Pick a fucking image, Jimmy, and shut up.

Halle Berry’s Tarnished Star

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Everyone who heard Halle Berry just got a star said the same thing “How did she not have a star?? She’s an Oscar winner!” And they would be spot on except for one thing: The Hollywood Walk of Fame has very little to do with fame or merit. You see, like everything else in Hollywood, it’s for sale.

I’ve known this for awhile but people are always freshly surprised when I break the news that you buy your star when you need some pub (like Halle REALLY needs for the crappy Perfect Stranger flick). Read this article. A star cost you 15k and you have to fill out an application. You think Halle couldn’t have filed the paperwork after her Oscar and gotten accepted? C’mon. As long as you’re relatively famous and have 15k you’re in. So let’s not act like these stars mean something other than as a marketing tool.

For instance, guess who doesn’t have a star? Al Pacino. Does anyone in the universe think Berry has accomplished more than Pacino? The reason Al doesn’t have one is simple. He’s a star. He doesn’t need to file paperwork or pay money to have a glorified street plaque tell him so. The more you know!

Sarah Silverman

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Just because.

Also, for the record, I gotta disagree with my sis’ EvilT on the whole Imus thing. I’m not really going to get into it but I’ll throw Sarah Silverman up there as an example of my point. She says the most offensive things and it’s plain old hilarious. I Love her. And so does Jimmy Kimmel.

For better or worse, Imus was trying to be funny. He may not be funny, but it’s always odd who we decide to be moral arbiters on. I call people names and ridicule all day long. Probably my low self esteem… but I guess the good news is I pretty much hate everyone, that’s why I’m filled with spite, as opposed to just hating on a specific group. And if you look at Imus’ record, on air he’s offensive to everyone. Off air he’s charitable and intelligent. One of those sides makes money. But to categorize him as completely hateful is just as “labelriffic” as the very thing everyone’s so bent out of shape about. The world will never be as easy as “He said something bad. Fire him.” If that were the case Sharpton wouldn’t be allowed on TV.

Crap. Now I’ve gone and gotten into it. Sigh.

Justin Chambers Should Sleep More Often

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I mean, in general, when you’ve been chosen to host the opening of a New York night club (Triumph, in this case), it’s advisable to do a little more than roll out of bed and put on a jacket. You could, I don’t know, wear an undershirt that covers your entire chest, for instance. It’s a starting point. Mostly, though, get some rest, darling, and try not to look so unhappy to be there. It’s not like you’re Isaiah Washington hosting a gala at The Abbey.

Gotta Go!

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ANTM winner Caridee English and Ashlee Simpson both look like they really have to pee at the opening of the Runway lounge in NYC.

Also, Cari, nice colored contacts. Even Paris Hilton’s at least look borderline natural. You look like you may have superpowers. Just not in modeling …