It’s Top Ten night, kids!!! Ryan Seacrest is celebrating by wearing a purple tie. His shirt may be lavender, or it may be white and reflecting the purple rays of the tie. There’s just no telling.
Fair warning: AmIdol always catches me on bad nights. I haven’t slept in days, I’m four days off my nicotine patch (shout-out to Dustin) and someone actually suggested to me tonight, in earnest, that I start smoking again. So there will be gratuitous profanity, guys. Oh yes.
We’ve got Gwen Stefani tonight. She’s been working with the contestants, and her make-up is incredibly understated. I barely recognize her. She looks younger somehow, and far less frightening. Pretty, almost. I had no idea how fucked up her teeth were.
LaKisha kicks us off. “Last Dance,” which I think is legally required to be performed on every season of American Idol at least three times. It’s in the production contract somewhere. I hate this song so passionately, but it is tolerable in comparison to what LaKisha is wearing right now. It’s some sort of silk wrap dress, but the bottom is a floral pattern and the top is very digital age. And it has 3/4 sleeves, which makes me want to die. Oh, and did I mention the hooker boots? I am so very unhappy with her right now. Ha. Randy “loved” the boots. Paula thought she was excellent. Simon thinks she seems 30 years younger this week. LaKisha’s former employer has wisely scored some free advertising out of this, as the camera pans to her former coworkers in the audience holding signs that say “Providence Bank” and something about LaKisha. I actually can’t believe they let them in with those signs. I wonder if they slipped past security somehow. Because when you think about what this show is charging for a 30 second spot … maybe Providence Bank actually paid to have those signs in there. Whatever. I need to stop analyzing the inner workings of this show. It’s bad for my complexion.
Chris Sligh used to be funny, but this show has sucked all the funny out of him. Ryan asks him a viewer question — “What do you do with your down time?” — and he’s all like “knitting, crocheting, maybe playing the bongos in my boxer shorts,” and all the funny in a 20-mile radius is destroyed on impact. Honestly, some poor comic is doing stand-up at the Laugh Factory down the street and can’t for the life of him figure out why his act isn’t working tonight. It’s because Chris Sligh killed the funny, dude. Like a fucking nuke. Ryan, always loathe to miss an opportunity to be grossly homophobic on the most-watched show on television, is all like, “Well, I feel comfortable now,” and everyone laughs, because gay people are different and no one is safe around them. Can we get to the singing now? Eh. Eventually. He’s singing “Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic.”