Today's Evil Beet Gossip

4 Out of 5 Doctors Agree: Joe Francis Is an Asshole


The Smoking Gun got their hands on a letter from a psychologist, hired by Francis’s defense team to meet with Francis and determine his general condition. In general, he’s miserable and he wants to kill himself, and that makes me happy. Also, according to the doctor, he’s a pathological narcissist. AHHHHHHHH ha ha ha ha ha ha ha!!!!!!!!

Loves. It.

“Girls Gone Wild” boss Joe Francis has been having such a rough time in a Florida jail that he recently told a psychiatrist that suicide was a possibility if his imprisonment was prolonged. The porn impresario, who this week finishes a 45-day sentence for criminal contempt, also told Dr. Ronald Markman that he was being housed with “all murderers” in his section of the Bay County lockup. “I started freaking out and screaming, I couldn’t breathe,” said Francis. “I don’t think I can handle this on a long-term thing–I’m not a criminal.” Markman, hired by Francis’s defense team, interviewed the 34-year-old late last month and drafted the below report, which was filed Friday in U.S. District Court in Nevada. Markman concluded that while Francis was “clinically stable,” he demonstrated “significant psychiatric issues” for which he has shunned treatment due to embarrassment. During a two-hour interview, the inmate appeared to minimize his drug and alcohol use, Markman concluded. Francis denied using pot, claimed to have tried cocaine only a few times, and said he had one drink per week. He also copped to trying mushrooms.

All three pages of the letter below.

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Candy Spelling is My Hero

candy_spelling.jpgTMZ says that this really is a letter Candy sent them to post on the internet. I knew that Candy was sassy but never this awesome. I’m glad she and Tori made up because I bet Tori is so proud of her mommy right now.

Dear Paris,

As someone who has known you for most of your life, I pay special attention to your press coverage. (Apparently, I’m not alone, based on the responses every word about you creates on and elsewhere.)

Paris, I’m very worried about you. The last week has not only been an obvious roller-coaster for you emotionally, but your strategy went from blaming employees and stating silly excuses like, “I don’t read,” to your new lawyer’s tactic to have you sound mature and take some responsibility. In between, the paparazzi continue to follow you shopping and taking self-defense classes (to protect yourself in jail?), and some over-zealous friends staged embarrassing protests (three people?), and wasted taxpayer funds with a petition to pardon you.

People who are rich and famous are not treated like “regular” people, even though you claim to now be just like everyone else. In most situations, your privileged life works to your benefit. You have opportunities, access and resources like few others; and frankly, you can get away with more bad behavior and excuses than most people could even imagine. However, as the real possibility of jail approaches — whether it’s 21 days or 45 or whatever the latest report is — it’s time to get real. It’s time to find “a Paris” somewhere between “heiress” and a character on “The Simple Life.” I know she’s there, and I know she can be a good citizen and maturely face consequences other people would have to face under the same circumstances.

I am sorry you have been sentenced to jail. I can’t think of too much that would be worse. But since you let this happen, use the next couple of weeks preparing not only by publicly learning to fight (not a good message to fellow inmates), but by looking around, realizing that you are not as truly entitled as your money implies. You are a young woman who can add more to her community than establishing new definitions for infamy.


Candy Spelling

Money can’t buy class but oh it can buy sass.

Lindsay Lohan Sober in the Bahamas

Drunk Lindsay

Of course not! Sober Lindsay Lohan is so out. Drunk Lindsay is back in style. While other celebrities were out enjoying the sun and playing with the dolphins in the Bahamas Lindsay was getting wasted and dancing in a DJ booth…wow, like that doesn’t hapen every weekend. According to USA Today (I love that mainstream papers also love Lindsay Lohan is drunk gossip)…

Lindsay Lohan landed in the Bahamas Friday, and while she wouldn’t speak with reporters all weekend, she was a force on the island nonetheless.

After taking in a Janet Jackson concert Friday night, she partied at Atlantis’ Aura nightclub until the wee hours. The actress started the evening sipping water, but much later was seen with a cigarette in one hand and a bottle of Jack Daniels in the other.

In her roped-off VIP section, she got very cozy with beau Calum Best, a hot model in the U.K. The smell of marijuana wafted through the area. Best shared whatever he was smoking with Fantastic Four star Chris Evans, who nodded and held his breath before exhaling. (The next day, when asked about the scene, Evans said, “Goodness gracious. No comment.”)

Lindsay sure loves to party. I wonder if she was a little upset that Georgia Rule did not rule at the box office this past weekend. She’s got some hot new man candy but that film career isn’t working out so well. I just am waiting for the drunk Lindsay photos to surface on the internet.

Ty Pennington is Such a Rock Star


I love this guy. In the wake of his DUI, Ty Pennington has managed not to blame an ex-wife or enter a rehab program intended more for his image than his mental health. Instead, he’s fessing up, taking responsibility, and moving on, and I love that.

I made a really bad error in judgment. It made me realize how important every decision you make in your life is because it affects everyone, not just yourself. I realized if you make a mistake, I think you ought to step up and admit that you did. I’m just that kind of a person. If you do something that you know you shouldn’t have, stand up and accept it.

It could jeopardize everything, including my job, which to me, is the greatest job in the world. I would never want to jeopardize that. I get to do something that a lot of people never get to do in their lifetime and actually get to make a difference in people’s lives.

When asked what he would have done differently, Ty says, “Probably take a cab. But if we could hit rewind in our life, I think we would do a bunch of things differently. But you can’t do that. All you can do is accept what’s happened and learn from it.”

Awww. You’re okay in my book, Ty.


Sheryl Crow Adopts Baby Boy


Thirteen years after the release of Tuesday Night Music Club, it turns out nobody is strong enough to be Sheryl Crow’s man — except, apparently, the two-week-old boy Sheryl has just adopted.

Says Sheryl on her website: “I am so excited to share with you guys that I’ve adopted a little boy ..he was born 2 weeks ago. His name is Wyatt (after my dad) Steven (after my little brother and Scooter) and we are enjoying some very private family time.”

Crow has declined to provide much information about the little boy, but she’s not pulling an Angelina; the child was born in the United States. Crow — who split from cyclist Lance Bass Armstrong [ed: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!!! I am so retarded.] in February 2006 — plans to take some time off and focus on being a mom.