Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Pope Knows Driving

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The Vatican has come up with the “Drivers 10 Commandments.” Got road rage? The Catholic church wants to help you through it. I have to say that after visiting the Beet in California I would need these to deal with SoCal highway traffic. Thankfully I live in New York so I just yell at people on the subway. But here are the commandments if you need a little bit more Jesus in your daily commute.

1. You shall not kill.

2. The road shall be for you a means of communion between people and not of mortal harm.

3. Courtesy, uprightness and prudence will help you deal with unforeseen events.

4. Be charitable and help your neighbor in need, especially victims of accidents.

5. Cars shall not be for you an expression of power and domination, and an occasion of sin.

6. Charitably convince the young and not so young not to drive when they are not in a fitting condition to do so.

7. Support the families of accident victims.

8. Bring guilty motorists and their victims together, at the appropriate time, so that they can undergo the liberating experience of forgiveness.

9. On the road, protect the more vulnerable party.

10. Feel responsible toward others.

I bet the Pope also wouldn’t be down with teenagers losing their virginity in motor vehicles…but “don’t do it in the back of your dad’s Taurus” just doesn’t sound elegant does it?

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Some unattractive man wins Britain’s Got Talent. See, that sort of thing would never happen here in the U.S. We like our celebrities attractive, dammit. [Cele|bitchy]

Okay, so, at some point in 1997, my high-school boyfriend presented me with a copy of Paula Cole’s This Fire. “I bought this album,” he said, “but I don’t want it anymore. I heard that song on the radio where she’s like, ‘I’ll wash the dishes while you have a beer,’ and I thought that was awesome, but the rest of the album isn’t like that at all.” Anyway, after a 7-year break, Paula Cole’s back with a new album. [popbytes]

Michelle Williams takes daughter Matilda out for a stroll. [Daily Stab]

Heh. Kristy Swanson got her ass arrested for an “altercation” with her boyfriend’s ex-wife. [Glitterati]

Beyonce rocks the ugliest bikini I have ever seen. [Jordan]

Oh, please tell me they’re going to try to make a movie out of the Monopoly board game. [Allie Is Wired]

Julia Roberts Welcomes Baby Boy

Julia Roberts Has Baby Boy Henry Daniel

Julia Roberts and husband Danny Moder welcomed a new addition to their family early Monday morning, son Henry Daniel Moder. The baby was born at Cedars Sinai in L.A., and weighs 8½ lbs. “The Moder family is doing great,” said Roberts’ rep. Little Henry is Julia and Danny’s third child; twin sons Hazel and Phinnaeus will turn 2 in November.

While Roberts has pulled back from her uber-successful acting career lately in order to focus on raising a family, her niece is just getting started. Sixteen-year-old Emma Roberts plays the title role in Nancy Drew, which hit theaters last Friday. Finding your break-out role in a brilliant, beautiful teenage sleuth is commendable, Emma, but it’s no hooker with a heart of gold.

Rosie Still Says Hideously Stupid Things

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There are people in life that don’t have the wherewithal to just shut the fuck up. You know these people. They were the ones doing kegstands while everyone else was packing up the party. Every once in a great while one of these abrasive personalities slips through the cracks and makes it big, where they then have a forum to chime in with the power of the media behind them.

Well, here is enough to make me beg that The Price is Right doesn’t go Rosie.

At the Cyndi Lauper True Colors tour:

“I got to tell you, I’ve been hanging around with those heteros for a full year and it’s not fun,” she said. “Turn around one minute and they’ll stab you in the back with a high heel. They will.”

What the hell? If I said “I’ve been hanging around with these homos for a year and it’s sucked,” how would that go for me? It would go poorly, because it is very very stupid. Now, they may in fact be back stabbers (BwaBwa in particular would eat your children to get an interview) but categorizing them as “heteros” has nothing to do with anything. It’s brushing all “heteros” with the same broad stroke which is the one thing everyone who’s ever been discriminated against hates. Also, I’ve heard the Hasselbeck chick goes both ways.

Paris + Construction Paper = Glee

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Paris Hilton made a special gift for her visiting dad Sunday – a Father’s Day card.

Oh joy, oh bliss, this is going to be a fun one to start off our Monday. My 6th grade writing teacher told me “write what you know” and I know making fun of Paris. Let’s do this.

On their way in (to visit Paris), Rick was asked if this was a particularly hard Father’s Day. “It’s not ideally my best,” he replied. Asked how he felt, he said: “I feel alright.”

I hope that’s not a real quote because “It’s not ideally my best” doesn’t make any sense. “It’s not ideal” or “It’s a hard Father’s day” or “This isn’t the best time” all work, but what he said is a bit like saying “It’s not wonderfully my great.” But wait, there’s more.

[Paris] made [Rick] a beautiful Father’s Day card with his picture.”

I smell a rat. How did she get his picture? Also, I’ve found that when making cards for mom and dad it’s best to keep it simple. Just throw the coupons in there for free yard work or doing the dishes and call it good. A picture on the card? What is this, the future?

Before they got into their car, Kathy was asked what her daughter was doing to pass the time. She quipped: “She looks at the four walls, and reads some nice fan mail.”

Is that a “quip?” Can I get a ruling here? I think People is trying to use their words but that comment was closer to a “remark.”

Also, Paris, Why not get some books? I could do ten years in the joint if I had books. I’m not even kidding on that. And how long does the fan mail portion take? Six minutes? Oh wait, as she has to sound out the pop up book part we’re probably looking at an hour to get through it. Hopefully they’ve put her picture on the cards.

That’s last sentence is called a “callback” and in the hands of a lesser blog it would feel dirty. Here it’s pleasurable. Welcome to the week my lovelies.