Today's Evil Beet Gossip

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The cute-patootie (sp?) on our background is Allyson, the 2-year-old daughter of Beet reader Leslie. Everyone say hello to Allyson. If you’d like to submit a photo or image for use on our background, check out the rules here.

Late-Night Links

Angelina Jolie willingly lost her virginity at fourteen, then promptly got a knife and cut the guy she’d slept with. I believe — correct me if I’m wrong — that there’s a certain species of grasshopper which does the same thing. [The Blemish]

Jessica Simpson is dressing as my seventh-grade English teacher to go to Winston’s. That’s okay, because Mrs. Crabtree was awesome. She once told a boy in the class to “stop masticating.” We still make fun of him for that. [Celebslam]

Christina Ricci takes on the role of Trixie in Speed Racer. “She already looks like an anime creation, so the casting here is appropriate.” Ha. [Pajiba]

Meet the next Cindy Crawford. [Grumpiest]

Oprah hosts a panel discussion about the Don Imus controversy — remember the good old days when that was the big news story? [Concrete Loop]

Lindsay Lohan feels her friends aren’t safe without her. Because, you know, then who’s paying for the blow? [Celebrity Smack]

If Paula Abdul isn’t famous enough to pre-board a Southwest Airlines flight, who is? Oh, right. Sanjaya. [Warship]

The tabs continue to punish Angelina for those People exclusives. [popbytes]

Yes, of course we want to see pictures of Fantasia Barrino’s ass. [POTP]

Harrison Ford’s finally going to make an honest woman of Calista Flockhart. Now, I know what you’re thinking: who are Harrison Ford and Calista Flockhart? [Haute Gossip]

Matthew McConaughey’s new girlfriend is 22 years old. Recruiting them fresh out of college, are we, Matty? [Gabsmash]

Jennifer Garner celebrates her 35th birthday by dressing respectfully, and not getting drunk or stoned or flashing anybody. [ICYDK]

Pratt is a Prick

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Seriously I don’t know who this Spencer Pratt guy thinks he is but LC is wayyyyy cooler than he will ever be. Remember Spencer, she was the famous one that got you on TV in the first place. From what i’ve heard your has-been ass has not been able to get in the clubs lately. Wonder why. Here is a telling exerpt from the Spencer/Hedi US Weekly interview.

Us: Spencer, did Lauren’s split from your pal Brody Jenner makes things tricky?

Pratt: “Lauren couldn’t get into clubs before she met us! We were her ticket to Hollywood. As soon as the double dating stopped, she was out. She has trouble being the third wheel. That’s what she was when Brody didn’t want to keep seeing her.”

I’m not going to go into the fact that Hedi’s alibi is the fact that she was in the hospital because she had just gotten her boobs and nose done. Trying to compete with Spencer’s Playmates are we? I love LC, I hate these two doucebags…they are on the fast track to VH1′s “Celeb” Reality.

Kate Lookalikes Out of a Job

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Interesting story coming out of the UK today, I guess the Kate/William split is upsetting more people than we first thought. A group of women who are Kate Middleton lookalikes sat down to give an interview about how upset they were that they were now out of a job.

According to these women, who in my opinion look nothing like Kate, they were paid up to 500-600 dollars to pose as the Princess in waiting. One of the ladies shares her upset with us.

I’m really sad that the door to my future as a lucrative Kate lookalike has closed. I know I would have earned good money masquerading as Kate, but it’s the experiences I’m going to miss more than the potential earnings.
The money is great, but the reason I became a lookalike was for the parties you attend, the people you meet and the acting skills you develop.
I’m sad for Kate that their relationship is over but not particularly surprised. William is a young lad who clearly doesn’t want to settle down just yet.
He has a life of restrictions ahead of him and for now he wants to go to bars and dance with pretty girls. I don’t blame him, but it’s better he does this as a single guy.

Another eloquent quote from a Kate lookalike.

I am really disappointed that there won’t be a market for Kate lookalikes any more. I used to be a model and really enjoyed it, but life as a lookalike would have been amazing – travel, money and best of all, being a Royal for the day and enjoying their lifestyle.
Before the split I had earned quite a bit doing photoshoots as Kate, so I’m sad that my career as a Kate lookalike has been cut short before it really began.
I first saw her in a magazine when she was wearing a dress from Topshop. I remember thinking how cool she was – she was going out with a prince, the future King, but hadn’t let it get to her head.

Oh I’m sorry that you have to get a real job and you can’t masquerade as a faux-celebrity anymore. What about the real Kate ladies? She just lost herself a prince.

Did Lohan Flood Harry Morton’s Pad on Purpose?

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Well, I suppose it’s better than arson. On April 11, Page Six reported that Harry Morton, Lindsay Lohan’s ex, arrived home to find his multi-million-dollar pad drenched in water coming from the apartment above his. That apartment belongs to Lindsay Lohan. Page Six reported that Lindsay had faulty plumbing, and Lohan’s rep reported that “this happened while Lindsay was in New York.”

But that was before TMZ was on the case. They actually managed to obtain the incident report from the condo complex, Sierra Towers. The officer on duty reports, “It seems that they left the faucet on. I turned it off.” Further, TMZ claims that Lindsay was not at all in NYC at that time because they have footage of her out partying. However, TMZ’s footage was posted on March 7, and was supposedly taken “last night,” which would mean the night of Tuesday, March 6. The incident report was filed a little after midnight on March 6, which is essentially late Monday night. So I’m not sure if this is proof that Lindsay was not in NYC at the time. Regardless, how often have you just accidentally left your bath water on while you headed out for the night? Then again, how often have you been nine cocktails and an eight-ball in before you headed out for the night …

Paris Hilton Will Get Her Day in Court

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Paris Hilton will have to make time somewhere in her busy schedule of drinking, driving and dating a D-list celebrity to actually appear in a court room. Throughout all her legal woes the past few months — her DUI and then, later, driving on a suspended license — Paris has managed not to make a single appearance in court. Her lawyers handle it all for her. But an L.A. judge just ordered that a Media Field Day be held on May 4: he’s requiring that Hilton herself show up in his court room. Paris may face up to 90 days jail time for driving on a suspended license.

Paris’s rep, Elliot Mintz, has argued that Paris did not know her license was suspended, but the city attorney’s office stated that they feel confident they can prove that she did. I’m not sure how the city attorney’s office plans to do this, but I’m sure the fact that it was national news will help. I know how Paris’s lawyers will try to beat this. It will go something like this:

Paris’ Lawyer: Paris, who is the President of the United States?

Paris Hilton: I don’t know. Rupert Murdoch?

PL: Paris, can you name a country with which the United States is currently at war?

PH: Um, Boston?

PL: Paris, can you name a country with which the United States has ever been at war?

PH: …

PL: Paris, can you name a country?

PH: …

PL: Your honor, I rest my case.