Today's Evil Beet Gossip

OMG Please Tell Me Scarlett Johansson’s Going to Star in the Jenna Jameson Biopic

Jenna Jameson Scarlett Johansson

This would just be soooo great.

The ever-enterprising Jenna Jameson’s making a film version of her autobiography, How to Make Love Like a Porn Star, and apparently she has her eye on Scarlett Johansson for the starring role.

“I tapped up Scarlett for the part,” she says, “and I’m very excited about the film.”

Asked why she wouldn’t be playing the role herself, Jenna responded, “You know, the truth is, I’m not really a very good actress. I do well on camera when someone puts a cock in my mouth, but otherwise I just come across with a fair amount of awkwardness.”

Nah, I’m kidding. Instead she came up with this little gem: “It was my decision not to play the role because I’ve lived that life already and anyone can play themself.”

Hey, Jenna? Wanna know what’s not a word? Themself. See, because “them” is plural, so you have to use “selves.” Never mind. Just trust me on this.

But never fear! Jenna Jameson’s cock-free film debut is not far away, as she plans to play a super-heroine in a movie spin-off from a new comic book she has written.

The Wonky Eye is Back!

Paris Hilton Wonky Eye

Paris Hilton’s making a comeback, baby, and the wonky eye is coming along for the ride!

The wonky eye has been in hiding recently — it was probably really traumatized by the jail stay and wasn’t quite as ready to face the public again as the rest of Paris’s body — but we can all breathe a sigh of relief, because it’s back! Paris has just announced that she’s working on a new film and a new album, so I just can’t think of a better way to herald the return of the wonky eye! Welcome back, baby!!!

At the Fergie concert in Las Vegas on Sunday night.

Paris Hilton Wonky Eye, Fergie Concert in Las Vegas, Pictures Pics Photos Paris Hilton, Macy Gray and Nicky Hilton at the Fergie Concert in Las Vegas, Pictures, Pics, Photos Paris and Nicky Hilton at the Fergie Concert in Las Vegas

Danica McKellar: Math Doesn’t Suck

Danica McKellar Writes a Book: Math Doesn’t Suck

Danica McKellar, who played adorable girl-next-door Winnie on The Wonder Years, is hoping to send a positive message to young women with her new book, Math Doesn’t Suck: How to Survive Middle-School Math Without Losing Your Mind or Breaking a Nail. Danica hopes the book will help encourage young women, who traditionally fall behind boys in the discipline around middle school, to stop hating math so much.

After finishing The Wonder Years, Danica pursued a degree in mathematics at UCLA, managing to co-author a paper with a professor that proves a theorem in mathematical physics.

“When girls see the antics of Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan, they think that being fun and glamorous also means being dumb and irresponsible,” said McKellar. “But I want to show them that being smart is cool. Being good at math is cool. And not only that, it can help them get what they want out of life.”

Meanwhile, widespread reports indicate that Lindsay Lohan has begun work on her rookie literary effort, Danica McKellar Sucks.

The Simple Life Got Canceled

Simple Life Show Canceled

Because, you know, when it was just one sex tape and one DUI, it was kind of funny to leave these two alone with small children and farm animals. But now we’re dealing with multiple recorded hours of drug use, racist rants, probable herpes infections, pregnancies out of wedlock, three DUIs and two jail sentences, and all of a sudden no one really wants their kids on TV quite that badly anymore.

Why Does Claire Danes Look Like a Man?

Claire Danes at Stardust Premiere in Los Angeles, Pictures Pics Photos

So I’m flipping through a bunch of photos from the Stardust premiere in LA, and I can’t help but notice that Miss Claire Danes has a distinctly man-like quality in all of them. Is this just me? Has she always kind of had a mannish facial structure? Or has all that homewrecking just given her an extra dose of testosterone recently? What do you guys think?

Claire Danes at Stardust Premiere in LA, Pictures Pics Photos Claire Danes at Stardust Premiere in Los Angeles, Pictures Pics Photos Claire Danes at Stardust Premiere in Los Angeles, Pictures Pics Photos