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30Congratulations, Dear, You’re Almost Famous

Meet Kimberly, who’ll be appearing on the upcoming season of The Real World, in Hollywood. (I thought they were done with that show?)

Kimberly hates ugly people, fat people, dumb people, bitches, ex-girlfriends, and a great deal of other folks.

Her accent is obnoxious. It’s not, like, that slow-paced, calming, lazy Southern drawl. It’s, like, if you took a Southern drawl and shot it up with speed and gave it a bright red Porsche and let it drive around LA for awhile.

Kimberly’s dream is to be famous.

Tragically for everyone involved, it looks like that dream’s coming true.

April 17, 2008 at 2:49 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

11OMG I Wish I Could Have Gotten the “Sex Talk” from Ashton Kutcher

ashton_girls.jpg

Ohhhhh, I remember the sex talk. I tried to avoid it forever. Whenever my mom would be like, “We need to have a serious conversation, Beet,” I’d be like, “I have anywhere else to be.” And sometimes I would just shout at her that I hated her and run away. At one point, she resorted to putting a copy of What’s Happening to My Body? in the bathroom cabinet. This made the bathroom cabinet taboo to me, and I refused to open it, even to get a fresh roll of toilet paper. I knew what was inside: that evil, evil book. I could seriously think of absolutely nothing worse than talking to my mother about sex, my menstrual period, my breasts, or anything even remotely similar.

This is when I was 11 or 12, and my mother was a stay-at-home mom. Today, my mother is a licensed sex therapist, and has painting of penises all over my old bedroom, which is now her office, and the shelves are packed with books with names like “The Female Orgasm” and “Navigating Oral Sex” and “Sisters,” which is a book of black-and-white nude, lesbianesque photographs, which a boyfriend once picked up on his very first visit to my mother’s house, thinking it had an innocent-enough title. “Oh,” he said, “This is porn.” My mom was like, “Oh, no, sweetheart. That’s art. If you want porn, it’s in the other room.” I very nearly died. Of laughter.

Anyway, Ashton Kutcher’s talking to Elle about having the sex talk with Demi Moore’s daughters, who I’m sure are delighted beyond words to have Ashton Kutcher giving them their sex talk. It would be like if Joey McIntyre had been there to talk to me about having sex at age 11. It just would have made the whole experience a lot more awesome.

Says Ashton:

“I knew that one of the girls had had sex and hadn’t really talked to us about it, so I wanted to create an open forum for her. So over Christmas last year, we had a conversation about sex — all of us except Tallulah, the youngest … and one boyfriend was there.”

Why doesn’t Tallulah get the sex talk?? She’s 14 years old! Who the hell isn’t having sex at 14 these days?

He also chats with the girls about weed:

“I’ve learned how to talk to a kid about sex and drugs — pot in particular. … You can’t try to conceal any of your own history. Because when they find out about you, you become a liar. … ‘You’re not going to die,’ but I also told them that I have a lot of friends who I used to smoke pot with, and a lot of them are still just hanging out smoking pot.”

Oh, Ashton. Come over to my place and talk sex and drugs to me. I’ll be an eager student.

April 17, 2008 at 2:38 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Ashton Kutcher

24I’m At Work!

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Most people think of working from home as living the dream. And this may be true, if you have small children, or an ailing parent, or a porn addiction. I have none of those things, and have been blogging full-time, from home, for coming up on a year now.

It kind of makes you crazy, slowly but surely. You miss going to meetings. Yes, meetings. The concept of a group of people sitting around a conference table, listening to themselves talk while ignoring all other viewpoints, over the faint buzzing of the PowerPoint projector. You miss figuring out each morning who has free chocolate at their desk. You miss office gossip. You miss making fun of the nerdy girl who wears a fanny pack to work each day and once wore striped pants with a polka-dot sweater. You miss trying to figure out which admin is sleeping with which VP, and who ratted out your coworker for charging overtime he wasn’t working. You miss feeling sad for the middle-aged recently divorced dude who comes in drunk every day with vodka in his coffee mug. You miss performance reviews; any sort of structured, personalized feedback on how well you’re doing your job. Because, in any given post, some of you are going to disagree, some of you are going to agree, some of you are going to post your phone number for Miley Cyrus, and the rest of you are going to plug InterracialMatch.com. There’s no objective feedback. You have your readership numbers, but it’s hard to cull from that any structured sense of what you’re doing right and what you could do better.

It just gets frustrating, and you go in circles in your head, and you get lonely, and it gets unpleasant.

Anyway.

As most of you have probably noticed by the URL, my website’s a part of Film.com, which is a part of RealNetworks, which is based in Seattle, which is where I’m currently and unexpectedly living.

So when my boss was like, “You know, if you actually want to come into our offices to blog during the day, I’m sure we could get you some space,” my response was, “You know, I’m actually going to take you up on that.”

So, ladies and gentlemen, for the first time in nearly a year, I am at work. And I am neither naked, smoking a cigarette, wearing pajamas nor sprawled on my living room couch. I am in an office. I got lunch at the cafeteria. This morning, I was in a meeting!!!! With a bunch of PR people who are trying to promote my website. And they’re like, “What do you have planned for the next quarter?” because they’re all business-style and smart and important and I’m like, “Uh, that kind of depends on Paris Hilton, doesn’t it?” And they kind of laughed and kind of looked at me like I might be mildly retarded, and it occurred to me that I probably need a little more practice before I’m good to go in this whole “work” situation again.

But I’m so excited to be here!!!

And for those of you who are stuck in an office job that you absolutely hate, just remember: I used to be stuck in an office job that I absolutely hated, too. But I definitely didn’t appreciate all the joys of working in an office. I took them all for granted, until they were all gone. And now I’m absolutely delighted to be in an office!

P.S. The picture above is neither of me nor my fellow office-workers. I just found it online and thought it was hilarious.

April 17, 2008 at 1:58 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

10Ouch!!!

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I’m in pain just looking at Britney’s monstrous corner-of-her-mouth zit. Those are the worst. They sneak up on you, and they’re unpoppable, and they hurt like hell.

The good news is that her lips still look fantastic. I need to get the number of whoever’s doing her injections.

Here’s Brit-Brit leaving an LA recording studio. I don’t know what she’s recording or why, but I love it.

Britney Spears Zit Pictures, Photos

April 17, 2008 at 12:31 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Britney Spears

9That’s Hot

Leelee Sobiesky and Alicia Witt, Pictures, Photos

Leelee Sobieski and Alicia Witt vamp it up at the Las Vegas premiere of 88 Minutes.

I just don’t like Leelee. I don’t know why. She always looks like she’s trying sooooo hard in pictures. It’s painful to see.

I ::heart:: Alicia, though. I wish she’d stay away from Leelee.

April 17, 2008 at 12:02 pm by Evil Beet

3Cynthia Nixon Did Not Say One of the Sex and the City Characters Is Dying

Above find the video-taped interview that people are using to claim Cynthia Nixon “let it slip” that one of the SaTC characters dies in the movie.

She doesn’t say that at all.

The interviewer asks her about it, and she plays coy, which is absolutely the appropriate thing to do. It doesn’t confirm or deny anything, it just fuels interest.

My favorite part of this interview is toward the end (around 1:55), when the interviewer tells her, “Now, as an actress you started out very young. As a lesbian you started out very old,” and Cynthia says “That is fair to say.” Then the interview gets pretty hilarious.

Anyway, the point is: this speculation is stupid. She absolutely did not say that one of the characters dies. So let’s all move on.

April 17, 2008 at 11:55 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Cynthia Nixon