Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Why Is Kelly Clarkson So Mad?

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A wonderful little news bite from AP has just come down the pike regarding our gal pal Kelly Clarkson. Let’s break this thing down because you’re going to dig it, I promise.

NEW YORK (AP) — Kelly Clarkson, who rails against a former flame in her new song “Never Again,” says she’s never been in love.

Fair enough. I guess. No, wait a sec here, she’s 25 right? Hmmm. Something seems off. I mean, did she go to high school? Shouldn’t she have exchanged cheesy poems or furtive probing glances in AP U.S. History with someone? Perhaps I’m giving away too much of my youth here so let’s just move on.

“I love my friends and family,” the Grammy-winning singer and original “American Idol” tells Elle magazine in its July issue. “But I have never said the words ‘I love you’ to anyone in a romantic relationship. Ever.”

Yowsers. Is she a machine? Is she a cyborg? I mean, later, after the relationship is all over because he/she was caught with your best friend/ brother in the bathroom/porn studio that’s when you question whether or not you were ever actually in love. But when you’re in the relationship you’ve got to throw out an L bomb every once in awhile, right? Am I crazy here? And where do you get off writing about anything if you ain’t never been in love? It’s the damn focal point of all art the whole world ’round! Whew. I don’t know why I’m shouting. Sorry. I’ll simmer.

More after the break! Read More

Links Links Links

Brandy’s lil’ bro (and Whitney Houston’s current beau) Ray-J is going to produce porn. But the actors are going to be “really nice, really classy,” so it’s totally okay. [Bossip]

I love love love that Juliette Lewis has a band. [Cele|bitchy]

Celine Dion bikini pics!!! I know what you’re thinking: “Ew.” You, my friend, are in for a surprise. [Celebslam]

Jamie Lee Curtis would like to blame Paris, Lindsay and Britney’s moms for their current predicaments. Because, you know, when your 26-year-old ass gets sent to jail for violating your DUI probation, it’s totally your mom’s fault, because why should anyone ever take personal responsibility for their actions and the consequences? [Celebrity Smack]

Oh, this is sad. The Real World: San Diego‘s Frankie has succumbed to cystic fibrosis. RIP, chica. [POTP]

Linda Hamilton still rocks. [popbytes]

Paris Hilton got dropped by her agent. [Warship]

Ryan Phillippe spends some quality time with daughter Ava. [Ninja Dude]

Tom Cruise bought Katie Holmes her own jet. She must have renegotiated her contract recently. [SOW]

Jessica Alba picks a bikini wedgie. Genius. [Allie]

Anne Heche Either Did or Did Not Lose Custody of Her Son

Anne Heche Splits Custody of Son Homer

I don’t know. I don’t care. Bitch is crazy and this is the slowest news day ever. We’ve been spoiled by Paris-mania for the past week and now everything is boring. Hey, wanna know what I just noticed? If you change the “a” in Paris’s name to an “e” and you extend the “r” a little further down so that it’s an “n,” her name is Penis.

So, yeah, anyway, yesterday everyone was reporting that Anne “Batshit Crazy” Heche lost custody of her son, and that her ex-husband would take primary custody. But today they’re all like, “No, actually they’re splitting custody 50-50.”

Either way, both of these people were involved in the decision to award this nascent lifeform the name of “Homer,” and so I don’t really think that either of them deserves custody. Give the kid to an Olsen twin to raise; at least then he’ll have a chance.

PerezWatch: Oh Please God, Let Alanis Morissette Take Him Up on This Offer

Since her ex Ryan Reynolds has begun blogging for the Huffington Post (and I won’t get into this in much detail, but his stuff is so overwritten and irrelevant and annoying — we get it, Ryan. You know big words and you’re a famous actor. Big props to you, buddy.), Perez has offered Alanis an opportunity to blog for him!

We’d like to offer Alanis Morissette her own little online outlet to talk about whatever she wants.

Write an essay for us!

Alanis writing for Perez!!!!! I love it. Come on, Alanis. After So-Called Chaos, you owe us.

Also, this is the slowest news day ever.

Quotables

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“My cell is actually nicer than my USC dorm room. Yes, it doesn’t have cable, but it doesn’t have the cockroaches, either.”

- Joe Francis, who’s currently choosing to chill out in a Nevada jail, rather than face the charges awaiting him in Florida.

GO BRUINS!

[source]