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47Are These Bai Ling’s Pubes?

OMG.

So much to talk about in this photo.

First, the basics: Bai Ling totally wiped out in the ocean after kayaking at Pink’s house.

Mystery #1: What was Bai Ling doing at Pink’s house? And kayaking?

Then, she was pulled from the water by her boyfriend, music producer Damon Elliott (this is Dionne Warwick’s son).

Mystery #2: So she’s back with Damon Elliott? She blamed her February shoplifting arrest at LAX on her break-up from him, saying that it had her all stressed out. When I get dumped, I usually shoplift, too. But I shoplift from the guy, not the airport. Like, I have an insane amount of T-shirts, sweaters, CDs, keychains and, ya know, twenty-dollar bills I took from guys when I was just “swinging by to pick up the rest of my stuff.” It makes me feel better. Like: “So what, you like that fucking 19-year-old size zero better than you like me? I don’t care. I know you’re all totally in love and getting teenage pussy all the time now and you’re happy as a clam but guess what motherfucker? I stole your Nine Inch Nails concert tee! Take that, fuckwad!” God, I’m so indescribably pathetic. Actually, I think I just did a really good job of describing how pathetic I am.

And the biggest mystery of all: are those pubes or a tattoo sticking out from her suit? I zoomed this picture in as close as I could, and I still wasn’t sure. I need opinions from you guys.

[Image via Splash]

May 4, 2008 at 11:23 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

6She’s Coming Home!

Abercrombie & Fitch shorts? Walmart bag? Yup, someone’s been in Louisiana.

Here’s Britney boarding a private plane in Mississippi, heading back to LA after spending the weekend in Kentwood at her little sister’s baby shower.

This gives me even more hope that Britney will be showing up, in person and sober, to her custody hearing on Tuesday. Oh please, please be there, Britney!

I was walking Leo this afternoon with a girlfriend, and she was telling me about how her eight-year-old niece has a birthday next week, so she called her up to ask her what she wanted. And the eight-year-old was like, “A gift certificate.” And my friend was like, “Um … okay. To where?” And she was like “Abercrombie & Fitch.” Which is so amazing to me, because when I was eight years old I wanted, like, a pony that could sing and Rollerblades. The only brand I knew was Hypercolor. Kids are so much more mature these days. And by “mature” I of course mean “brainwashed by the media.” I swear by the time I have a kid it’s gonna come out of my vagina demanding Fendi diapers. And it’s gonna be, like, pissed if it’s not born at Cedars-Sinai, because that’s where all the cool babies are born.

[Image via Splash]

May 4, 2008 at 10:38 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

8Where’s John?

After spending last weekend cuddling with John Mayer all over Miami, Jennifer Aniston spent this weekend a little more low-key, chilling with friends by the pool at her hotel.

Homegirl sure is looking good these days. I like Jen because her body is natural, womanly and not stick-thin, but by no means fat. She doesn’t seem interested in starving herself, she’s just content to look like, ya know, a healthy adult woman.

[Image via Splash]

May 4, 2008 at 10:25 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

4The Sopranos Come to PAX TV!

Nah, just kidding. But if they did, this is what MadTV imagines it would look like.

I laughed through the whole thing.

May 4, 2008 at 10:18 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

10The Camera Adds Ten Wigs

Exactly how many hair extensions does Mischa Barton have in? And what are they made of? Yarn?

Horrible, horrible.

Her face is so pretty, though. I’ll give her that. But that’s God-given. Mischa paid for her hair to look like that.

At the Broadway premiere of Boeing Boeing.

May 4, 2008 at 10:08 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

16Puppetry of the Penis!

Tonight Trish and I went to see Puppetry of the Penis here in Seattle. And, first off, I would like to give mad props to Trish for being the only one of my so-called “friends” out here to agree to go with me. She was, in fact, the only one to even return my email about it. My other “friends” in Seattle are loooosers (makes L-shape with hand on forehead).

If you guys have never heard of Puppetry of the Penis, it is basically just these two Australian dudes butt-naked on stage making shapes out of their penises. It’s like the clown who makes balloon animals, but with a cock and balls. It was truly phenomenal. I desperately wished I had a penis so I could go home and try some of these things. I mean, I knew penises were fun, but I had no idea how much fun! They did a baby bird, a hamburger, a windsail, a pelican, a hot dog, a bullfrog, the Eiffel Tower, a sea anemone (!) and many, many more. There were basically no props at all. Just two dudes and their penises and nutsacks. Amazing. If you haven’t seen it, I highly recommend you go if it comes to your city.

Before the show, Trish and I were like “I wonder if there’ll be any dudes.” I figured maybe a handful of gay dudes and a handful of really, really embarrassed straight dudes who got dragged there with their wives. But I was wrong! There were tons of guys there! Straight guys, too! Some with their significant others, some just with a buddy. And they totally didn’t seem embarrassed or sheepish or anything. They were just like “Bring on the penis shapes!” Soooo wonderful.

The funniest thing, though, is that as Trish and I were taking our seats, we noticed two women leading their husbands into the theater in blindfolds. We started cracking up immediately, like, “Oh my God these guys totally don’t know they’re going to a penis show!” And they were sitting front row!!! Ahhhhhhhh ha ha ha ha ha! I snapped a picture:

Once the show started, though, the blindfolds came off and the guys were really good sports about it. Which was great of them, but I was kind of hoping they’d throw a fit and storm out. Oh well.

Anyway, I sure do know what every guy on my Christmas list is getting this year: this.

May 4, 2008 at 9:59 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized