Today's Evil Beet Gossip

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Mick Jagger used to let bees sting his penis so it would get bigger. [DListed]

I guess it’s Small Penis Day. Enrique Iglesia says his is tiny, too. Small Penis Power! Small penises have been discriminated against for far too long!!! Small penises unite!!! Rise up and penetrate this social injustice! [Celebslam]

Sharon Stone chugs some wine at Cannes, because she’s all class like that. [CityRag]

Some genius 18-year-old adopted the name Katee Holmes and now plans to lose her virginity on camera. Because, you know, this bitch is totally a virgin. [The Blemish]

Dennis Quaid and his wife are expecting twins. [Glitterati]

John Mayer tries his hand at stand-up. [SOW]

Heidi Klum calls her breasts “Hans” and “Franz.” Seriously. [Cele|bitchy]

Watch Lady Sovereign’s on-stage nervous break-down. [Celebrity Puke]

Yet another Bai Ling nip slip. [The Grumpiest]

Eva Longoria hits up the dance studio. [Drunken Stepfather]

Um, Amy Fisher and Joey Buttafuoco are dating again. And he still hasn’t changed his last name. I don’t understand it, you guys. [Holy Candy]

Angelina Jolie’s taking a year off to focus on family. I’ll believe it when I see it. [Daily Stab]

Keeley Hazell wallpaper downloads. Because some of you will care. [Geno]

Thank you to an EB commenter for pointing me toward Kendra Wilkinson’s incredible fashion line, K Dub. [K-Dub Clothing]

Pics from the Knocked Up premiere party. [LAist]

Nicole in Rehab…Yawn.

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Nicole Richie is in rehab…yawn.
I guess she was really skinny when she got there…yawn.
She has an addiction to pills and other bad stuff…yawn.
She is anorexic…DUH.

Click here if you actually care anymore. I’m so over Nicole Richie I can’t stand it. I do hope that she does get herself some help.

You know every time Paris befriends…or re-befriends someone they end up in rehab. Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears…now Nicole. Coincidence? I think not.

AmIdol Recap: The Finale

It’s the big night, kids. We’re in the Kodak Theater. Blake vs. Jordin. Or, you know, Jordin. With Blake there.

Denise Richards is in the audience, because now that Simon’s engaged she should definitely try to have sex with him.

Let’s introduce the judges. Randy is wearing what I imagine guerilla army generals in the Congo wear once they’ve retired. Paula is there, with hair extensions. Simon and Randy both point at her, and she grabs their fingers. They’re looking at her lovingly. I think Paula had been getting sober this season, and she fell off the wagon (and, yes, into a chihuahua); the guys seem very supportive right now. It’s heartwarming, actually. Simon winks at Ryan. Now, just so we can get it out of the way, Ryan asks Paula to tell him about the nose injury. Paula explains that she tripped over her dog, Tulip. Now the camera goes to Ryan, and you can see him kind of smirking, and he’s opening his mouth, about to talk, when Randy interrupts with “What sort of dog is it?” Paula continues that “Tulip’s fine, she was snoring,” and Ryan jumps in with the thing he’s been planning to say since he heard about this last night: “So the bitch is okay.” Because he can. Everyone gasps. Because “bitch” has several meanings in English. Get it? Sigh. It’s going to be a long hour.

We take a second — or, you know, five minutes — to remind the audience that, despite what Simon said about Seattle, both the finalists auditioned there (although Jordin is from Arizona). We get a little retrospective on both contestants’ journeys, because we have an hour to fill here, people. And, much as we’d like to, we can’t just spend all of it plugging On The Lot. Which, by the way, is pre-empting my darling House tonight. So, you know, fuck that.

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Apolo Wins!

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From the beginning of this show (and my brief attempt to blog it until my roommates kept deleting it from DVR) I have been a huge fan of Apolo Anton Ohno. He started the show a novice dancer and thanks to his amazing partner Julianne he morphed into a dancing star!

Apolo, if you do not know, is an Olympic Gold Medalist in short track speed skating. I have always had quite a crush on my Apolo. I’m glad that now he will get some fame that he totally deserves.

I also really think that he and Julianne would make the cutest couple ever…most of the blogosphere does as well, but alas she is a good Mormon girl who will be marrying her sweetheart, a fellow dancer, quite soon. Apolo, however, is now free to date away in young Hollywood.

This has been the first time that I’ve followed a whole season of “Dancing With the Stars.” I think I used to make fun of this show but it is quite lovely. Congrats Apolo!

Laila Ali and Maxim did not win but that doesn’t mean I can’t post a picture of him shirtless. He really is quite the sexy dancer man.
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I Was Going to Get Sober, But Then I Got High

Lindsay Lohan at Winston’s 5/21/07

Part II in today’s series. Lindsay Lohan shows up at Winston’s last night looking — well — not sober. Click the thumbnail for a close-up of her face. This girl is twenty years old. She looks like she just walked off the set of some sort of Lifetime Movie of the Week, in which she stars as a 35-year-old housewife whose husband kicks her ass regularly. Which is, you know, exactly the parts she’ll be getting in a couple years if her box office record keeps up like this.

Lindsay Lohan’s Face Looks Like Shit

Photo credit: Buzz Foto

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