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19It Is Entirely Possible That Clay Aiken Is Wearing Fake Eyelashes to His Album Signing

Right?

I mean, these are either fake lashes or he’s wearing some serious mascara. Or perhaps — gasp! — eyelash extensions? Oooh, I think I’m going with eyelash extensions.

When I first saw the thumbnail of this pic, I was like, “Is he wearing winged eyeliner?”

But no. That’s just the shadow from his ridiculously long eyelashes.

Clay’s new album is called “On My Way Here … I Blew a Dude I Met on Craigslist at a Rest Stop.”

No I’m kidding. That’s ridiculous. Everyone knows Clay uses JDate.

May 6, 2008 at 6:43 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

20Happy Sun Awareness Week!

I just think this is such a funny name — like, “Oh, shit, there’s a sun? Dude, I had totally forgotten. Wait, so that explains why it’s bright for like 16 hours out of the day, doesn’t it? Damn. And here I’d been looking for the switch for months. I even checked my fuse box. I’m glad you brought that up. I’ll cancel the electrician.”

It’s National Sun Awareness Week in the UK, which is basically a really bad name for a week that’s supposed to draw attention to the various types of cancers and damage which can result from unhealthy sun exposure. Which is awesome, and I’m all about that. In fact, remind me to tell you guys some time the story of how this site became titled “The Evil Beet.” It has a little to do with overexposure to the sun.

Anyway, the self-tanning brand St. Tropez decided to take advantage of this holiday to stick a bunch of hot, tan, swimsuit-clad models in a busy London train station and make them suck on red popsicles. It looks more like Blow Job Awareness Week, if you ask me. Do they have a Blow Job Awareness Week? I should start one. I wonder if I could get non-profit status … you guys would donate, right? It would be a tax write-off. And I’d just make blow-job porn with amateur models all day for a week and give it away for free. Just doing my part to help. If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the problem, ya know?

This pic is just a little favor to the 8.6% of readers who identified as male. (In our survey! Which you should take!)

HAPPY BLOW JOB AWARENESS WEEK!

(And be sure to wear sunscreen this summer!)

May 6, 2008 at 5:08 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

31Never a Dull Moment

Here are some choice photographs from Juliette Lewis’s performance with her band, Juliette Lewis and the Licks, at a Netherlands Liberation Day Festival called Bevrijdingspop.

I have never heard a single song by this band and I never want to, but whenever I see that there are new photographs from one of their shows, I always get all excited. She’s so unnecessarily weird on stage. Sometimes I wonder if she ever got out of her Other Sister character. Can you believe this girl used to get to mount Brad Pitt’s pole? Not fair.

May 6, 2008 at 4:52 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

17Lindsay Lohan May Have Stolen a Fur Coat

I went to private school most of my life, but I did spend one semester at an Arizona public school. Now, I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with public schools in general, but there was definitely something wrong with this public school. In that it was a festering pit of gang activity and wasted lives. This kid once brought this radio he’d just stolen from a car — wires hanging out and everything — to my journalism class, and put it under his desk during class like it was no big deal. There was a racially motivated fight in the lunchroom almost every single day, and word was that the single largest faction of the Aryan Brotherhood in the state of Arizona was operating out of my high school. And then I had this one friend that I thought was pretty cool until she had to go to juvie for a couple years for her second charge of grand theft auto, so I didn’t get to hang out with her anymore. So I transfered back into private school.

So anyway, in gym class once, I forgot to lock up my locker, and, while I was playing softball with three other girls while the rest of the “class” was smoking weed, someone stole my shoes from my locker. And I had a pretty good idea of who it was. So I go to the main office and I’m like “Hey, I think such-and-such stole my shoes from my locker during gym class.” And they send someone to go get that girl so they could chat with her about it, and they bring her into the office, and the crazy bitch is wearing the fucking shoes! And she sees me sitting there and she’s like “Oh shit.” And it’s not that crime didn’t ever occur at my private school, but, for fuck’s sake, at least people were a little smarter about it.

Lindsay Lohan is even dumber than that.

Lindsay stole a mink coat from a private event in New York this summer. The owner of the coat figured out who stole it when she noticed her coat on Lindsay Lohan in the pages of OK! magazine. She eventually got it back, but at that point it was “reeking of cigarettes and booze with a slight tear in the lining.” She’s seeking a $10,000 “rental fee” from Lindsay for the three weeks it was missing. Cute.

May 6, 2008 at 4:14 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

34Tell Me About Yourself

So each and every day, my boss does an exceptional job of not firing me — and preventing others from firing me — when I do things I’m not supposed to do, like run sex tapes and photos of penises and vaginas and nipples and other body parts that your kindergarten teacher told you represented one-half of a “bad touch.”

Now it’s time for you to do something nice for him.

Please take this (very very brief) survey about who you are, dear Evil Beet reader.

Oh, and also: I asked for the password to the survey account under the guise of wanting to add a question asking how you guys heard about Evil Beet, but then I made a bunch of other changes that no one is going to appreciate but me (and possibly you guys, but definitely not my management). Ha ha, I crack myself up.

Anyway, please please PLEASE take the survey. It’ll win me big brownie points, which I will need after what I did to the survey.

May 6, 2008 at 2:39 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

35OMG You Guys the New NKOTB Single is FUCKING AMAZING!!!!!

Ha ha ha.

I’m totally kidding.

It blows huge monkey cock.

It’s called “Summertime,” but it should have been called “We Never Should Have Attempted a Comeback. This Is Embarrassing. Baby.”

Click here to listen.

May 6, 2008 at 1:59 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized