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9Pamela Anderson Seeks Annulment

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So I ran into an old high-school classmate at a party a couple of months ago. I hadn’t really seen her since high school. She’d married her high-school sweetheart after nearly a decade of dating, but the marriage itself was short-lived; they separated after only two months, and decided to make the split permanent soon after. She’d ended up getting an annulment just weeks before I saw her, and, after downing an entire flask of vodka in one swig (very impressive), she bemoaned the absence of a spot for annulments on the “Marital Status” field of assorted forms. “They have ‘single,’ they have ‘divorced,’ they have ‘widow,’” she complained. “Why isn’t there an ‘annulee’ field? I’m not a divorcee, I’m an annulee!” I dunno, maybe you had to be there — or maybe you had to be there with vodka — but we laughed for like 20 minutes about that. Maybe because, in a situation like that, there’s not much else to do but laugh your ass off with the people who knew you before life became so complicated.

Anyway.

Pamela Anderson is tired of being a divorcee and ready to become an annulee. She’s filed for an annulment of her marriage to Rick Salomon, citing “fraud” as the reason, with no further explanation.

This oughtta be good.

February 26, 2008 at 4:14 pm by Evil Beet

4I Liked It Better When the Counting Crows Did It

Madonna’s new album has an official title: Hard Candy, which is totally a ripoff of that Counting Crows album, IMHO.

The album’s release date is set for April 29, with the first single, “Four Minutes to Save the World,” being released at the end of March.

February 26, 2008 at 4:05 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Madonna

3In Case You Missed It

Check out Janet Jackson performing “Feedback” on Good Morning America.

This is, like, the most boring song ever. The only good part comes at 2:30 when she sings the line “My swagger’s serious / I’m heavy like a first-day period.” Seriously, I will listen to this song over and over again just for that line. Will someone graduating high school this year please make that their senior yearbook quote? Please? For me? I totally would have done it for you. If I’d ever been a senior in high school. Which I wasn’t. Because I dropped out after sophomore year. And look at me now, motherfuckers!!! You all thought I’d end up flipping burgers, but instead I run a celebrity gossip blog whose primary source of traffic is people searching for “Lindsay Lohan naked” on Google Image search. So put that in your fancy high-school-graduate pipe and smoke it.

But I digress.

Also, I have to hand it to Janet: that outfit is a phenomenal I’m-hiding-the-weight-gain ensemble. Jessica Simpson’s stylists should take note.

February 26, 2008 at 3:18 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

4You Know It’s a Slow News Day When I’m Writing About Naomi Campbell’s Cyst

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Honestly I had hoped to avoid bringing you this story — it bores me to my core — but there’s really not much else going on today, so the gossip world has hurled itself into this Naomi-Campbell-has-a-cyst story.

Yes, it’s true.

Naomi Campbell had a cyst, and it’s been removed.

The American Heritage Dictionary defines “cyst” as “an abnormal membranous sac containing a gaseous, liquid, or semisolid substance.”

I know you guys are thinking the same thing I am: They took out Naomi Campbell’s entire brain?

“I cannot reveal what Naomi had, nor how serious her condition was, but I can say I operated on her yesterday, that everything went smoothly and that she is completely cured and walking in her room,” said the doctor in Brazil who operated on her.

Ugh, I have a cyst, too. Its name is Naomi Campbell. Can someone in Brazil please remove my cyst and then issue a fucking press release on a slow news day?

February 26, 2008 at 3:07 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Naomi Campbell

5Madonna Is Finally Getting the Acknowledgement She So Richly Deserves

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After decades of toiling in near-obscurity, a little-known musician by the name of “Madonna” will be inducted into the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame on March 10.

Her induction will be announced by an equally unnoted artist, one Justin Timberlake.

Other inductees include Leonard Cohen, John Mellencamp, The Dave Clark Five, The Ventures and Little Walter.

Okay, so I’ve heard of John Mellencamp, and I know Leonard Cohen is that guy from that REM song, but I’ve never heard of any of the others. And “Little Walter” just sounds like the name that some old dude living in a trailer park in Montana gave to his penis.

And is Madonna even a rock musician?

February 26, 2008 at 2:59 pm by Evil Beet

11Flava Flav Can’t Decide If He’s a Wolf or a Skunk

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In NYC before a TRL taping.

February 26, 2008 at 2:44 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Flava Flav