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21Ali Lohan on David Letterman!

You can take the girl out of Long Island, but you can’t take the Long Island out of the girl!

Ali Lohan made her appearance on David Letterman on Tuesday night. I thought I’d have to wait until Wednesday morning to bring this to you, but the folks at RedLasso (who I hate considerably less now that their Flash code doesn’t crash my website) got it to my inbox tonight. Thanks, guys! I’m done talking shit about you for at least a week now!

I think when this show airs we should all play a drinking game. It goes like this: Whenever someone says “We’re just like a normal family,” you take shot. Guaranteed to get you wasted!

Be sure to stick around until the very end, when Letterman calls Ali “Lindsay Lohan.” Ha ha ha ha ha!

May 20, 2008 at 11:58 pm by Evil Beet
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9Congrats to Kristi Yamaguchi!

After totally blowing the Olympics year after year, Kristi Yamaguchi finally took home the gold: on Dancing with the Stars.

The figure skater was named the winner of the hit TV show on Tuesday night.

Shit, dude, I don’t understand how she even qualified for this show. She’s a freakin’ figure skater. That’s like being a professional dancer, except ten times harder! Of course she won! What, Adam Corolla was gonna beat her with his triple-axel Britney Spears joke?

I think not.

Congrats, Kristi!

You never know what life has in store, baby …

Update: I’m a moron. Kristi won Olympic gold in 1992. Research is hard and I am lazy. You would be, too, if your job description was “Be mean to pretty people.” Thanks to those of you who pointed out my error, and I still consider it bullshit that she was allowed to compete on this show. Of couse she was going to win. I still maintain that Olympic figure skating is way harder than dancing. Not that I’m a good dancer. But still …

May 20, 2008 at 11:41 pm by Evil Beet
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115Who Should Madelyn Gosselin Date?

You guys were very interested in my post on Jon & Kate Plus Eight. And I have to say I read every single comment, and was SO excited to have other people weigh in on this show. I love you guys so much! You always make my day.

In addition to the comments, I got lots of emails, and a lot of you mentioned that Madelyn Gosselin is a holy terror. Honestly, she reminds me a lot of myself at the age of seven (my mother will confirm this). Oh, who am I kidding, she reminds me a lot of myself now. She’s such a superstar.

But several of you mentioned in emails that Madelyn is the kind of character who will end up on my website one of these days.

Nothing would please me more!!!

So … how is Madelyn going to end up on my website?

She’s seven years old. So, she could date Celine Dion’s little boy; he’s seven. Maddox Jolie-Pitt is almost seven, so he’s fair game, too. Or will she end up being partners in crime with Apple Martin, flipping their hair on red carpets across the world? Perhaps she and Cara will totally rebel and do their own reality TV show?

Give me your opinions!

May 20, 2008 at 11:18 pm by Evil Beet
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6Memo to Hayden Panettiere: Less Dolphins, More Grey Goose

Honestly, Hayden, if you have to be obsessed with marine life, at least make sure it’s related to liquor.

This is the freakin’ last time I am going to cover you and your damn whales, Hayden. After this, you’d better come up with something better to get publicity. Like get pregnant or drive drunk or something. This shit is boring.

On Wednesday, Hayden Panettiere will put two whale-related items up for bids on eBay to support SaveTheWhalesAgain.com. I think the name says it all. Save the whales? Again? Didn’t we already do this in the nineties?

One item is a fundraising dinner at Eva Longoria’s restaurant, Beso. It will include a personal photo op with Hayden. The other is a private whale-watching tour with Hayden off the coast of Santa Barbara.

Booooooooooooooring!

Listen, Hayden, get your cute ass pregnant or drunk or I am putting a freakin’ ban on any and all Hayden Panettiere coverage around here.

Whales are great, sweetheart, but have you noticed that you’re 18 now? You can let your hair down, baby. Get into some trouble. Seduce Brad Pitt. It’s all fair game. You’re hot. Are you going to let some 15-year-old Disney bitch steal your spotlight? You can be anything you want to be. Call up Annie Leibovitz and get your ass naked on the cover of Vanity Fair. Nothing’s stopping you!

Someone get this girl a shot!

May 20, 2008 at 11:00 pm by Evil Beet
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12Your Daily Britney

Look who’s back home!

Britney shows off her shiny new Costa Rican sunburn as she dines at Il Sole in Los Angeles. Why worry about skin cancer when you smoke a pack a day? (I know, I know, I shouldn’t talk.)

What in God’s name is she wearing?

And she totally bargained that purse out of a street vendor in Costa Rica. Because if that thing cost more than $10, I’ll be very disappointed in her negotiation skills.

May 20, 2008 at 9:57 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

16The Simpsons Are in Trouble!

No, no. For once, it’s not Jessica or Ashlee trouble. This is about the Simpsons who matter.

While Fox has renewed its hit The Simpsons for their 20th season, it seems contract negotiations with the stars of the show have hit a roadblock.

Folks like Dan Castellaneta, Julie Kavner, Hank Azaria, Yeardley Smith, Nancy Cartwright and Harry Shearer currently make $360K and episode, but they want $500K instead. The testy negotiations have delayed production on the series for months already, and it sounds like people are starting to get a little nervous.

Pay the people! I’ll just implode if there aren’t new episodes of the Simpsons.

I remember once, during the single semester of French I took in college, we had to watch an episode of The Simpsons in French. (My French teacher was bad-ass like that. She had once taught English to first-graders in Quebec, and pretty much took all the strategies she used there into the college classroom. She made the entire class sing a choreographed version of “Champs-Elysee” at the university’s cultural festival, which was horrifically embarrassing, but I have to admit I still remember all the words to this day.) Anyway, it was all these different French actors trying to do their best impressions of the Simpsons characters in French, and it was AWFUL! Just terrible! We were so disappointed! The Simpsons would be unwatchable without its usual actors. PAY THE PEOPLE!!!

May 20, 2008 at 9:43 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized