Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Anne Heche Either Did or Did Not Lose Custody of Her Son

Anne Heche Splits Custody of Son Homer

I don’t know. I don’t care. Bitch is crazy and this is the slowest news day ever. We’ve been spoiled by Paris-mania for the past week and now everything is boring. Hey, wanna know what I just noticed? If you change the “a” in Paris’s name to an “e” and you extend the “r” a little further down so that it’s an “n,” her name is Penis.

So, yeah, anyway, yesterday everyone was reporting that Anne “Batshit Crazy” Heche lost custody of her son, and that her ex-husband would take primary custody. But today they’re all like, “No, actually they’re splitting custody 50-50.”

Either way, both of these people were involved in the decision to award this nascent lifeform the name of “Homer,” and so I don’t really think that either of them deserves custody. Give the kid to an Olsen twin to raise; at least then he’ll have a chance.

PerezWatch: Oh Please God, Let Alanis Morissette Take Him Up on This Offer

Since her ex Ryan Reynolds has begun blogging for the Huffington Post (and I won’t get into this in much detail, but his stuff is so overwritten and irrelevant and annoying — we get it, Ryan. You know big words and you’re a famous actor. Big props to you, buddy.), Perez has offered Alanis an opportunity to blog for him!

We’d like to offer Alanis Morissette her own little online outlet to talk about whatever she wants.

Write an essay for us!

Alanis writing for Perez!!!!! I love it. Come on, Alanis. After So-Called Chaos, you owe us.

Also, this is the slowest news day ever.

Quotables

joe_francis1.jpg

“My cell is actually nicer than my USC dorm room. Yes, it doesn’t have cable, but it doesn’t have the cockroaches, either.”

- Joe Francis, who’s currently choosing to chill out in a Nevada jail, rather than face the charges awaiting him in Florida.

GO BRUINS!

[source]

Back to Normal

Britney Spears and Assistant Cousin Allie Picture

After all that happy frolicking with her sons in Mexico, Britney Spears shares a tender (and, I’m sure, sober) moment with cousistant Allie at Joseph’s last night.

Hey, at least she’s not driving in the car photo. Way to be responsible, Brit!

[photo credit: Buzz Foto]

Britney Spears at Joseph’s

Now We Know Where Nicole Richie’s Getting Her Adderall

Apparently Paris Hilton’s “mystery” illness is … drum roll … ADD.

ADD?

AD fucking D???

Attention. Deficit. Disorder.

That was the serious medical issue that prompted the Sheriff to release her from jail early?

Look, folks, I’m not a doctor, but I’m not under the impression that Paris Hilton was being asked to, you know, take geometry in the slammer. And I know about one billion people with ADD, many of whom have decided voluntarily not to take their medication for it, and they all survive just fine. Many of them are, in fact, far more productive (although less economically impactful) members of society than Ms. Hilton. This is complete and utter bullshit.

Is the L.A. County jail system just going to make a habit of releasing everyone with ADD now? Is that the new plan, guys?

Jesus H. Christ.

L.A. Girl!

Victoria Beckham Throws Out Opening Pitch at Dodgers Game Picture

Recent Angeleno Victoria Beckham throws out the opening pitch at the Dodgers vs. Mets game on Monday. I hate to admit it, but this is actually pretty cute. Ms. Beckham sure is working hard to make her mark in the States, paving the way for her husband to start playing with the L.A. Galaxy in August. They’re already enormous stars all over the rest of the world, so I guess we’ll see if they can take on Hell-Ay. If anyone knows how to craft an image, it’s Posh Spice. I’m not sure if the same can be said for her ability to throw a baseball …

She also chatted and posed with Dodgers owner Jamie McCourt. Ms. McCourt took the time out of her very busy schedule to teach a course at UCLA’s business school this winter, and I was lucky enough to take it. She brought in the most incredible speakers — we got to have some very personal conversations with Sherry Lansing, Victoria Jackson, Mary Hart, Marcy Carsey and Gloria Steinem, to name a few, all close friends of Ms. McCourt. It was such an inspirational course and so very cool of Jamie to take the time to the teach it.

Victoria Beckham Throws Opening Pitch at L.A. Dodgers Game Photo Jamie McCourt Victoria Beckham Dodgers Picture Jamie McCourt Victoria Beckham Dodgers Photo Victoria Beckham Throws Opening Pitch at L.A. Dodgers Mets Game Picture