18Let’s Take a Closer Look at This Hilton Petition

I just want to take some time to dissect this piece of genius bit by bit.

To:
The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger

Paris Whitney Hilton is an American celebrity and socialite. She is an heiress to a share of the Hilton Hotel fortune, as well as to the real estate fortune of her father Richard Hilton. She provides hope for young people all over the U.S. and the world. She provides beauty and excitement to (most of) our otherwise mundane lives.

Yes, that’s exactly what Paris Hilton is: the universe’s carrier pigeon of hope. Are you sure you don’t mean herpes?

Hilton is notable for her leading roles on the FOX reality series The Simple Life and in the remake of the Vincent Price horror classic “House of Wax”. In addition to her work as an actress, she has achieved some recognition as a model, celebrity spokesperson, singer, and writer.

As a writer? Are you referring to the images of her diaries that hit the Internet? Because I know you’re not talking about that piece of tripe she threw her name on without ever having even read it, probably.

As most of America now knows, Ms. Hilton was just charged in a Los Angeles court with DUI and sentenced to 45 days in Century Regional Detention Facility in California beginning on or before June 5, 2007.

Hey, genius, she was not just charged with a DUI. She was charged with a probation violation after driving on a suspended license after the DUI.

We, the American public who support Paris, are shocked, dismayed and appalled by how Paris has been the person to be used as an example that Drunk Driving is wrong. We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges. Paris should have been sober. But she shouldn’t go to jail, either.

I think “We do not support drunk driving or DUI charges” is my favorite part of this whole thing. I’m with you, dude. I think it’s pretty bad when someone gets trashed and gets behind the wheel, endangering the lives of myself and my loved ones on the road. But I’m even less supportive of consequently charging them with a crime.

As depicted on Friday night’s episode “Nancy Grace” on Headline News (May 4, 2007), countless celebrities have been “slapped on the wrist” for similar incidents recently. Nick Nolte, Mel Gibson, Tracy Morgan, Wynonna Judd, to name a few, were arrested and never did a day in jail after their initial arrests for drunk driving /DUI /DWI charges. Rappers Busta Rhymes and Eve still walk free after both being arrested for the same charges as Ms. Hilton just this past week. Brandy’s California Highway accident, although no proof of DUI was evidenced in her accident, resulting in the death of a young wife and mother in California, yet Brandy walks free as of today, never doing any time and A WOMAN HAS BEEN KILLED most likely due to her reckless driving!
Yet, Paris Hilton did not hurt, injure, or kill anyone or anything, and yet she must do jail time.

PARIS IS NOT GOING TO JAIL FOR A DUI. PARIS IS GOING TO JAIL FOR PROBATION VIOLATION. I don’t think even Paris fully understands this. That is so sad.

This petition is to ask Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger to pardon Paris Hilton for her mistake. Please allow her to her return to her career and life. Everyone makes mistakes. She didn’t hurt or kill anyone, and she has learned her lesson. She is sincere, apologetic, and full of regret for her actions as she explained tearfully to the Judge handling her case in court yesterday.She is distraught and understandably afraid.

WE NEED YOUR SUPPORT to save our Paris from ending up at the Century Regional Detention Facility! Please sign to tell The Honorable Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger of the State of California, to think about the welfare of this young woman who has made a mortal error and deserves a second chance like so many others in our great nation have been served with after a mistake they have made . If the late Former President Gerald Ford could find it in his heart to pardon the late Former President Richard Nixon after his mistake(s), we undeniably support Paris Hilton being pardoned for her honest mistake as well, and we hope and expect The Governor will understand and grant this unusual but important request in good faith to Ms. Paris Whitney Hilton.

Oh. My. God. Read that again. Paris Hilton’s probation violation was just compared, in earnest, to Watergate.

Anyway, Paris supports this petition whole-heartedly, encouraging friends on her MySpace page to “please help and sihn [sic] it.”

So sihn it, guys. Paris Hilton is pillar of hope for our generation. If someone that fucking stupid can be that fucking rich, anything is possible in this world.

May 8, 2007 at 11:25 am by Evil Beet

3Paris Appeals to the Terminator

This story just keep getting better and better. From People magazine today:

Paris Hilton Asks for Schwarzenegger Pardon

Oh my. Oh my, oh my. Can you even imagine if he pardoned her?

Here’s more awesomeness from her MySpace:

Sign the FREE PARIS HILTON petition to Governor Schwarzenegger
I urge all fans and supporters and all that are outraged by injustice to sign this petition.

http://www.ipetitions.com/petition/PH21781

Her friend created this petition (yay Josh!) but I imagine the governator will treat it like an asp in a picnic basket. There is no upside to pardoning Paris. People want her in jail for openly flouting the law. She is in the sad locker right now.

So good. If this tactic doesn’t work I suggest Prez. Bush. Let’s take this campaign national.

May 8, 2007 at 8:25 am by Spiteful Lars

1Fun With Pictures

Is it me or is Scar-Jo totally channeling Brigitte Nielsen from Rocky IV in 1985?

May 8, 2007 at 6:13 am by Spiteful Lars

0Celebs Come Out for the Costume Institute

I have no idea what this event was, but it may as well have been the Oscars for how many stars showed up. WireImage calls it “Poiret: King of Fashion” Costume Institute Gala at The Metropolitan Museum of Art. Everyone was there, including Jessica Simpson and the breasts she seems to have just recently discovered. Celebs pictured here include Jennifers Garner, Connolly, Lopez and Hudson, Ellen Pompeo, Donald and Melania Trump, Christina Ricci, Chloe Sevigny, Cameron Diaz, Gisele Bundchen, Anna Wintour, America Ferrara, Alicia Keys, Kate Bosworth, MK Olsen, Mischa Barton, Naomi Watts (quite preggers) and a billion others. Click images to enlarge.

May 8, 2007 at 2:05 am by Evil Beet

5Well Hello There, Lindsay

Everyone’s favorite totally recreational drug user hits up the streets of NYC on Monday night wearing a very revealing dress.

May 8, 2007 at 1:47 am by Evil Beet

0Links Links Links

Jessica Simpson‘s breasts continue their comeback tour. [Holy Candy]

Paris Hilton was photographed smoking a joint at Coachella. [Daily Stab]

Was Britney raped shortly before her break-down? [A Socialite's Life]

Hayden Panettiere filmed a movie in Africa, and now thinks she might “go over there and bring food.” That’s so sweet, Hayden. While you’re at it, could you pick up some CPK and swing it by my place? LABite takes forever. Plus there are way fewer guerilla armies west of the 405. [Derek Hail]

Is Amy Winehouse going to be the new Bond girl? They could name the character Alotta Blow. [Bree]

Tobey Maguire still loves his little girl. Enjoy this, Tobey, because in about ten years she’ll be a rude, thoughtless little pig who films you while you drunkenly consume cheeseburgers. [Cele|bitchy]

Who knew Sofia Loren still had a rack like this? [DListed]

Hef’s third-favorite girlfriend, Kendra Wilkinson, hits up Miami in a bikini. Yay summer! [Hollywood Tuna]

Jim Carrey and Jenny McCarthy are still together and probably still fighting over who used whose hair products. [Hollywood Rag]

The latest Paris Hilton upskirt pics. [Drunken Stepfather]

Brad Pitt needs a stunt butt. [Agent Bedhead]

Simulated rape on-stage does not go over well with advertisers, Akon. [The Blemish]

Shakira‘s new video. [popbytes]

May 7, 2007 at 9:47 pm by Evil Beet