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34Sanjaya Malakar: Shirtless and Loving It

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If I’m going to go on rants about gun control, I suppose the least I can do is help you get the taste of the real world out of your mouth by posting these new photos of American Idol also-ran Sanjaya Malakar shirtless. In a lovely Spanish-style kitchen.

I just want you guys to help me think this through.

Did he set the camera up on a tripod or was there an accomplice? In any case, the words “I should take a picture of myself shirtless; someone might like that” were either spoken or, at the very least, thought. “And with what should I adorn myself and my ripped little arms for this photo shoot? Why, New Zealand boxers, of course! And bracelets! And what’s an appropriate locale for such an image? What would best work to accentuate my manly sex appeal? My mother’s kitchen, I think. With the pots and the fronds and the faux-marble counters. Oh, yes. Little girls everywhere will totally grab their pillows and masturbate to this one. For real, though, make sure you get the wall-mounted TV in the frame. I want people to be subtly reminded that I was on television once. I am a sexy, televised beast.”

Seriously. Shoot me in the head. But not with a gun; I’m currently in a guns-are-bad phase. Use an arrow or something. Or smack me over the head with a large pot. I hear there’s one in Sanjaya Malakar’s kitchen.

March 1, 2008 at 2:07 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Sanjaya Malakar

43Juvenile’s 4-Year-Old Daughter Killed by Her Brother (and a Gun)

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Awesome.

The 4-year-old daughter of rapper Juvenile, Jelani Deleston, was shot to death by her 17-year-old brother, who is not Juvenile’s son, on Thursday in Georgia. Also brutally murdered were her 39-year-old mother and her 11-year-old sister.

You know, normally I try to keep politics and, you know, “real” issues as far away from this blog as possible, mostly because I’m terribly ill-informed about issues involving anything and anyone who might not warrant an invite to the Teen Choice Awards, and also because I don’t really care, but, look: my gut instinct about guns has always been, like, hey, it says in our Constitution that we can have guns, so, like, I think it’s only fair that we have guns. But then I read about something like this and I’m like, “Really? Why the fuck did this kid have a gun?” and then I’m like, “Oh, yeah, ‘cuz the Constitution says we can have guns all willy-nilly over the place.” And then I’m like, “You know, maybe I should see exactly what the Constitution says.”

The Constitution says this, in the Second Amendment:

A well regulated militia being necessary to the security of a free State, the right of the People to keep and bear arms shall not be infringed.

And I read that and I’m like, “You know, maybe in the modern world, this should just mean that the military can have guns, and not every dumbass in Georgia,” and then I devote like an hour of my life to reading the entire Wiki on the thing and it turns out that lots of other people — including assorted state and federal courts — think the same thing, and then — and this is the really bad part — I realize that I’m totally fascinated by all these legal discussions and decide that what I ought to do is go to law school so that in like 30 years I can write about what I think of all this in the Harvard Law Review and that’s how I know it’s time to go to bed.

But anyway.

If you’ve just been dying to talk about gun control laws on this blog, here’s your chance, buddy.

March 1, 2008 at 1:39 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Juvenile

10People Who Are Having a Worse Day Than You: Model Katoucha Niane’s Body Found in the Seine

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I know, I know. It’s Friday, and you’re at work, and time seems to be standing still. And the guy you banged after Happy Hour on Tuesday who said he’d take you out tonight still hasn’t called. And you realize just how much weight you’re putting on when the button on your work pants pops out. And your boss is in one of his moods, and your mom keeps calling to talk about how her cat has ringworm, and your office crush won’t shut up about the new girl he’s dating, and your nail broke, and you forgot to bring an extra tampon to work, and someone ate your yogurt out of the fridge, and you just can’t imagine how today could get any worse. But think on the bright side: at least Parisian authorities didn’t pull your decomposed corpse out of the Seine today.

The body of supermodel Katoucha Niane was pulled out of the river in Paris today. Niane has been missing since January. She was assumed to have accidentally fallen off of her houseboat after a night of drinking and partying.

Her career highlights included walking for Thierry Mugler, Paco Rabanne, Lacroix and serving as a muse to Yves Saint Laurent himself.

RIP, kiddo.

February 29, 2008 at 1:54 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

17Katherine Heigl Wants Off Grey’s Anatomy

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According to the current issue of National Enquirer, Katherine Heigl is doing whatever she can to get out of her Grey’s contract so that she can pursue her movie career.

After starring in the hit films Knocked Up and 27 Dresses, Katherine believes she has outgrown the small screen – and her agent is working overtime so she can devote herself full time to movies, sources say.

“Katherine has even suggested to ‘Grey’s’ producers that they kill her character Dr. Izzie Stevens in dramatic fashion so her exit could bring in huge ratings,” a pal of the 29-year-old Emmy winner told The Enquirer. Newly married to rocker Josh Kelley and riding high on her box-office appeal, Katherine has formed a production company with her mother Nancy, whos her manager, and she’s being swamped with movie offers, said the pal.

But leaving “Grey’s” will be an uphill battle because her contract with Touchstone and ABC is ironclad for the next two years, according to another source.

I for one am TOTALLY in favor of this. I am so sick of Izzie Stephens it makes me want to die, too. Kill her off and set her free, ABC!

February 29, 2008 at 12:49 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Katherine Heigl

10In Case You Missed It

Check out Alaina Whitaker breaking into tears after being eliminated from AmIdol this week.

I’ve been sitting on this clip for a day. I didn’t want to post it because, honestly, I felt really bad for her. But, you know what? It’s good drama. So here ya go.

February 29, 2008 at 12:44 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: American Idol

4Okay, Never Mind, Prince Harry’s Not in Afghanistan Anymore

Looks like since Matt Drudge decided to be an asshole and report Harry’s presence in Afghanistan, he’s been pulled out.

The Ministry of Defense called the rampant reporting of Harry’s deployment by “elements of the foreign media…regrettable,” and said that while the prince was expected to return to Britain in a matter of weeks, the situation had now “clearly changed.”

“Following a detailed assessment of the risks by the operational chain of command, the decision has been taken…to withdraw Prince Harry from Afghanistan immediately,” the Ministry said.

The decision to pull Harry out of the combat zone comes after the collapse of a media blackout. While U.K. reporters and media outlets were already aware of his deployment, they entered into an embargo agreement with the military not to report on his service until he returned home safely.

The jig was up, however, when the Drudge Report broke the news, in turn claiming that it had pieced together information from Australian press last month.

Americans. We’re so helpful.

February 29, 2008 at 12:38 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Prince Harry