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7Photo Goldmine: Eating PLUS Nipple!

Two of the things we love best in candid photographs — celebrities eating and celebrities’ nipples — are combined in this glorious series of Whitney Port accidentally showing off a little boobage while stuffing her face.

It doesn’t get any better than this, kids. I mean, unless she’d been picking her nose at the same time or something. But, realistically, this is about as good as it gets.

Collect them all!

May 18, 2008 at 3:43 pm by Evil Beet
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118BREAKING: John Mayer Has a Huge Penis

Oh, I love stories like this.

The NY Daily News has a bit about how Jennifer Aniston’s friends think it’s way out of character how hard she’s falling for John.

But there’s an explanation!

He has a huge cock!

“She’s just so happy and giggly. It is completely out of character,” said one spy.

The reason can’t just be that she is dating John Mayer. No one is that happy with Jessica Simpson’s sloppy seconds. What we hear is there is a certain feature of John that leaves Jen so pleased. The crooner’s ex-paramours reveal he is hell to get over, not because he’s a great guy, but because he’s a “great” guy, if you know what we mean.

“His body actually is a wonderland,” one ex was overheard saying.

The moral of the story: Women are totally willing to put up with a cheating womanizer, as long as he’s packing where it counts.

Sheesh.

May 18, 2008 at 11:05 am by Evil Beet
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10Quotables

“She’s using my book. I mean, the thing looks so worn it’s like she’s been reading it on the toilet. It’s pathetic. Where’s her originality? Does she have no shame?”

Janice Dickinson
, on photos of Tyra Banks holding Janice’s autobiography.

Janice is in talks to launch a chat show of her own, and claims she’ll have Tyra on to “confront” her about the pics.

Oh, Janice.

You’re such a bitch.

Doesn’t it ever get tiresome?

May 18, 2008 at 2:04 am by Evil Beet
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18Sober!

Here’s Paris and Nicky “I Only Look Anorexic at Bad Camera Angles” Hilton at — you guessed it — Sober Day USA 2008!

I’m not freakin’ kidding, you guys.

The name of this event is “Sober Day USA 2008.”

Which makes a lot of sense, since we all know that Paris Hilton has never done drugs. And Nicky is the goddamn picture of mental health right now. Since mental health is inversely proportional to BMI. You know, I don’t expect much from Paris, but I’m somehow disappointed that she doesn’t seem a little more concerned about her little sister’s raging eating disorder. Like I expect her to be wearing a sign here that says “Yes, I’m Aware My Little Sister Has an Eating Disorder … We’re Working on It, Kids.”

Sigh.

May 18, 2008 at 1:53 am by Evil Beet
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3Allow Me to Personally Volunteer to Be Jamie-Lynn Sigler’s Stylist

Honestly, Jamie, I don’t have a lot of experience, but I’m fairly certain that we could hire my dog to style you and come out with better results. Right now it looks like he puked on your shower curtain and you wore it on the red carpet, so I don’t think we have any way to go down from here.

I mean, John Mayer looks like he just stepped off the set of Grease and he looks better than you do. You’re single now, Jamie. You can’t get away with this shit anymore. Hire a stylist, baby.

Everyone and their brother showed up in freakin’ Ledyard, Connecticut to celebrate the opening of MGM there.

May 18, 2008 at 1:36 am by Evil Beet
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23Fun with YouTube: Paris Hilton, “Screwed”

So my girlfriends and I went to the Missy Higgins show tonight. Missy was amazing — she looked adorable on stage, and she has such an incredible voice! It was so great to be there and to watch her. I hope she takes the U.S. by storm, as she deserves to.

Afterward, we started talking about giardia — because none of us has children, but we all have dogs. So we started talking about our “kids” and giardia and how it was transfered via fecal matter. And somehow Paris Hilton came out of that — go figure. And one of the girls was like “Did anyone actually hear that whole CD?” and I was like “Um, I wrote a review.” And she was like “Were there any other good songs?” and granted it had been a long night at that point but I was like, “Uh, ‘Screwed’ was actually pretty good” and then we came home and the girls were pretty trashed and we were trying to figure out how to score weed but we didn’t even know what to call it, because we’re old and everything, and so one of my girlfriends texted her 19-year-old cousin like “What do the cool kids call weed?” and the cousin was like “Mini-H” and we were like “What does that even stand for?” and her cousin was like “Why should I know? I just smoke it, I’m not running the goddamn marketing department,” but it turned out someone had a boyfriend who had weed so we scored that and the girls got stoned for the first time in like 5 years. And everyone was like “How are you digging that mini-H?” and it was very funny.

Does anyone know what “Mini-H” means? I’m such a senior citizen.

Anyway. Then we listened to Paris’s CD for like two hours and everyone was like “Man, her voice is even worse when you’re stoned. It’s, like, separate, and it’s awful.” And we talked about how awful Paris is when you’re stoned for like an hour. Or maybe 20 seconds. Who knows?

So, ladies and gentleman: Paris Hilton, “Screwed.”

May 18, 2008 at 1:21 am by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized