Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Please, God, Let This Quote Be Real

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According to the admittedly questionable sources over at the Daily Star, Paris Hilton wants to help the drunken elephants in India. She was very sad to hear that 40 drunken elephants ran into an electric pole in India, and six of them were electrocuted and died.

Here’s what she supposedly had to say about it:

“There would have been more casualties if the villagers hadn’t chased them away. And four elephants died in a similar way three years ago. It is just so sad. The biggest problems are in Assam and Meghalaya. The elephants get drunk all the time. It is becoming really dangerous. We need to stop making alcohol available to them.”

In fairness, this is probably totally made up, but all I want for Christmas this year is the audio of Paris Hilton speaking these words. Please, God? If you give me that, I promise I’ll stop publicly encouraging Lindsay Lohan to drink again. Deal?

Can Christina Ricci Please Be at Every Event?

Christina Ricci at DKNY Delicious Night Fragrance Launch Party in New York, Pictures, Photos

I just want to put her little pixie ass in my pocket and take her everywhere with me.

I imagine that, if I were feeling sad, I could pull her out, put her on a table, and she’d do some manner of magical pixie dance that would cheer me right up. Or at least share her weed.

The haircut is stunning. She looks beautiful. Just so very Ricci. I feel like that should be an adjective. I don’t know what it means, exactly, but she just embodies this Ricciness that deserves its own word.

Dance, little Ricci, dance!

There Is No Cocaine Left in the West Village

Rumer Willis and Zoe Kravitz at DKNY Delicious Night Fragrance Launch Party, Pictures, Photos

Rumer Willis and Zoe Kravitz enjoy themselves by standing on some manner of couch at the DKNY Delicious Night Fragrance launch party in NYC. Something tells me they don’t need the help of furniture to be higher than everyone else.

I have great hopes for Zoe Kravitz around these parts. I want to see more of her. She’s everything that was fabulous about her mother at this age.

Yeah. Kim Kardashian Did Playboy.

Kim Kardashian at Morgan 4 Ever clothing line launch, Pictures, Photos

Kim Kardashian at Morgan 4 Ever clothing line launch, Pictures, Photos

Tragically, mean and grumpy lawyers made us take down the wonderful pictures we had of Kim Kardashian in Playboy, but here she is in basically the same poses at the Morgan 4 Ever clothing line launch in NYC.

Jesus, Kim, I can smell your vagina over the Internet. Can you do anything without being sexual about it?

In fairness, I still have all her Playboy pics on my computer, and one of them is currently my desktop background. I kind of love that.

Wanna know something else funny? When I was in college, 100 years ago, my boyfriend and I found this hilarious Photoshopped picture of Britney Spears’ head on a nude body. We thought it was so funny that we made it my desktop background, and it stayed there for almost a year. People would see my computer and be like “Oh my God! That cannot be real! Britney Spears would never do that.”

Oh, how naive we once were.