Today's Evil Beet Gossip

I Don’t Get the Shia Thing at All

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He’s been deemed the next big thing by everyone in the world. And yet, he is incapable of taking anything even approaching a good photo. And trust me, I didn’t cherry pick the worst ones, they are all like this. He looks like a goober in every single shot.

Weird stuff. This is at some Transformers function, which sort of explains why women are sporting giant helmets and camo. No wait, it still doesn’t explain it. Click on more odd photos if you’d like, but I warned you.

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Today I Mourn

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This is bad news for Uncle Spiteful Lars:

The O.C.’s Kelly Rowan Engaged to Billionaire

Um… no deal. This bastard is the tenth richest man in the world. I’m not even the tenth richest person in my cubicle. Frustrating. And now he’s marrying Kiki Cohen. What kind of world is this? Are we all doomed to having our dreams crushed by Canadians? Yes, that’s right, I forgot to mention that he’s Canadian too.

Ok, admittedly she does look a little like a Worf from Star Trek: The Next Generation here with the odd head veins but I still found her hot in the right light/scene.

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Spice Girls Urged Not to Reproduce

Spice Girls Reunion Told Not to Get Pregnant

Finally! Someone said it to their faces!

With a reunion imminent (and seemingly inevitable), the Spice Girls’ manager, Simon Fuller (yes, the guy who produces American Idol), has laid down a list of rules for the girls. The Sun got their hands on it. Among the list of do’s and don’ts: “Do not become pregnant – please!

Seriously! Five of you is enough. The remainder of the rules are vaguely reminiscent of a “Class Rules” poster my third grade teacher tacked to the wall, with violations resulting in one’s absence from recess.

Do not get into spats between yourselves over plans and decisions – is it worth it?

Respect each other’s personal lives and commitments.

Respect each other’s views.

Do not talk about money that you will potentially earn from the reunion.

Talk about memories of the Spice Girls with affection and pride.

Raise any queries with Nicki (Chapman) and myself at the scheduled meeting.

Do not confirm or deny any rumours until everything is in place.

Do not worry about schedules and time — this will all be arranged with everyone in mind.

So basically, like, you’re all in your 30s now. If you could not spoil a multi-million-dollar deal by squabbling like pre-teens, that would be awesome, mmkay?

Holy Shit It’s that Lesbian Chick from America’s Next Top Model!

Kim Stolz Lesbian Girl ANTM America’s Next Top Model

Remember this girl? Kim Stolz is her name. She made out with that Sara chick in the limo? And she was such a bitch to my adorable Lisa D’Amato. Oh, Kim, how fun of you to resurface!

Kim showed up at the Sundance Channel’s launch party for “Live from Abbey Road.” She’s not actually in the program, and she’s not actually, you know, famous, so I have no idea what she’s doing there or how she got an invite. But you gotta give the girl props for trying. She’s in good company, as Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Ben Harper and Aaron Eckhart also showed up.

Kim Stolz America’s Next Top Model Lesbian Pictures Photos Aaron Eckhart Sundance Abbey Road Pictures Ben Harper Sundance Abbey Road Launch Pictures Photos Ben Harper Sundance Abbey Road Launch Photos Pictures Jamie-Lynn Sigler Sundance Launch Abbey Road Pictures Jamie-Lynn Sigler Sundance Launch Abbey Road Photos

Lame and Lamer

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Brandon Davis and Scott Storch in the same photo.

Too much for me to handle. These trashy wanna be’s are in Miami. I guess Miami is where you go when clubs in LA stop letting you in. Really this picture made me throw up a little bit in my mouth.

I guess they have stuff to talk about. Like how they both tried to bone Lindsay Lohan and how she turned them both down. Brandon because he was too greasy and Scott because even though he bought her a bunch of ice he still strikes you as that dorky kid from Freshman year with ill fitting pants and a rolley backpack.

Can You Spot the Baby in Christina Aguilera’s Tummy?

Christina Aguilera Pregnant Baby Bump Pictures

Page Six assures you that it’s in there.

RUMORS that Christina Aguilera is expecting a baby “are definitely true,” according to a well-placed Page Six source. “She’s been telling friends,” said one snitch, who revealed, “she has to be three months now, because she’s announcing it.” This would be the first for Aguilera and her husband, Jordan Bratman.

These pictures were taken today/yesterday/Wednesday/whenever June 20 was in Tokyo on her “Back to Basics” Tour. She’s definitely gained a few pounds over the past few months, but are they baby pounds? Is Christina Aguilera pregnant?

Is Christina Aguilera Pregnant? Tokyo Show Photos XTina Aguilera Pregnancy Preggers Baby Pictures Tokyo Show Christina Aguilera Tokyo Back To Basics Tour Pictures Christina Aguilera Back to Basics Tour Photos Nippon Pregnant Christina Aguilera Ass Pictures Back to Basics Tour Photos Pregnant? Is Christina Aguilera Pregnant? Photos Pictures from Tour

Lindsay Lohan Would Prefer Not to Share Her Released-From-Captivity Week with Paris Hilton

Lindsay Lohan Will Stay in Rehab Longer Than a Month

At least I figure that’s the explanation for these rumors that Lindsay will be staying in rehab longer than originally planned. No one knows exactly when Paris will be released from the slammer, but it will probably be sometime early next week, and LiLo was supposed to leave Promises at the end of this week. But apparently she’s changed her plans.

“She is staying in Promises for longer than a month,” says a source close to Lindsay. “We don’t know how much longer because of her work schedule, but she is taking rehab very seriously this time and not messing around.”

Now, the humanitarian buried deep within my cold, evil heart wants to believe that this is true — that it has occurred to Lindsay that perhaps 28 days in rehab is not nearly long enough to untangle 20 years of fuck-upedness, and that experience would suggest that catapulting her back into the real world after such a short time period will inevitably result in her inability to stay sober, and that she really, truly wants to put her life in order this time around.

But, you know, my experience suggests otherwise.

I’ve gotta admit, though, with Paris in jail and Lindsay in rehab and Britney friendly with her family again, it’s been a really, really slow news week. Traffic’s been lagging. And, try as she might, Tara Reid just can’t hold down Camp Trainwreck by herself these days. This rehabilitation bullshit is costing me money, people. It’s not that I don’t want you to get sober, Lindsay, it’s just that I’d prefer it if you were sober while leaving Hyde in some manner of LA-tastic outfit with a D-list British model and calling Paris Hilton a cunt to X17. Is that really so unfair of me?