Can you believe this little bitch got a front-row seat at the Oscars?
I do love the dress, though. It’s not exactly a traditional Oscar dress, and I give her props for having the guts to wear it, especially since she’s got no fucking business being at the Oscars anyway. It reminds me of, like, an ancient Japanese tapestry or something.
February 24, 2008 at 9:31 pm by Evil Beet
So, I have been transported to my father’s house, where, if and when I die of this cholera, at least my body will be discovered promptly.
I was forcibly removed from my bed and dragged in front of a TV, where I was made to eat salmon, but successfully resisted consumption of the single piece of broccoli placed on my plate (“For,” explained my father, “presentation value,” and I expressed my gratitude at his decision to use my final moments on earth to perfect his Top Chef audition.)
I survived from about Best Supporting Actor to Best Actress, which I consider quite a run for someone with late-stage cholera, and then I had to go back to bed.
Luckily, the entirety of the Oscars is already available on video, and I’m going to bring it to you here. Above, we have Jon Stewart’s opening monologue, and, after the jump, more goodies from the first hour and a half. We’ll have the rest of it up for you later tonight, if I survive that long. If I do not, I am confident that Lars and Evil T will post the rest.
February 24, 2008 at 8:57 pm by Evil Beet
So, um, I know I’m basically like a factory of excuses these days, and I understand that the overwhelming majority of you hate me right now, but just as soon as my life and my posting got back into a normal swing, I came down with that awful flu that’s sweeping the nation. I’m basically immobile. I have been sleeping for nearly 48 hours straight at this point. Seriously, I get up every 7-8 hours to pee and eat a bowl of cereal, and then I’m back down for the count. I have never been this pervasively exhausted in my whole life. I am genuinely worried that my heart is going to take a nap, too, and then I’ll be dead. I would go to the hospital but I’m sure I smell really bad right now and I’m too tired/afraid of falling asleep and drowning to shower and I don’t want to leave the house looking this way.
I am going to do my damndest to stay conscious for the Oscars tonight so I can try to write about them tomorrow, but, until then, my good friend Laremy over at Film.com is doing some pretty exhaustive Oscars coverage. He’s a damn funny guy, and I’d encourage you all to head over there and check it out. Click here to read.
February 24, 2008 at 1:40 pm by Evil Beet
Angelina Jolie pretty much told the world “so ya guys I’m totally pregnant” by wearing a clingy black dress to the Independent Spirit Awards. I can’t get over the fact that she is totally with child yet still has skinny arms. I am 5’3” and when I decide to pop out kids I feel like I am going to get as wide as I am tall.
Honestly, I am so jealous of those women who pregnancy seems to make them hotter. Sigh. I can’t wait to see if this kid (or kids…as some media outlets are speculating) is going to be as cute as the other members of their brood.
I wonder where this kid will end up being born? Africa? Asia? Some strange remote Island?
February 23, 2008 at 9:05 pm by EvilT
It’s fascinating to see what some companies will come up with to promote their products.
Jelly Belly used 10,000 jelly beans to create a very special portrait of Oscar nominee George Clooney. It’s currently displayed at the Luxe Hotel in Beverly Hills.
I’ve included the far-away view of this opus, as well as a close-up of George’s eye, so you can see the kind of jelly bean insanity we’re dealing with here.
And what’s with the weird halo around his head? He’s an Oscar nominee, people, not Jesus Christ.
February 22, 2008 at 5:17 pm by Evil Beet
What is this, sweetheart?
It broke my heart to let you go, but I see now that I dodged a bullet.
I still love you, baby. Blake Lively and I are very, very happy, and I just want what’s best for you. And those boots, baby? They’re what’s best for, like, gay coal miners.
And your boobs look absolutely adorable in this dress. But, see, the thing is, as an adult woman, you don’t want your boobs to look adorable. Eleven-year-old girls have adorable boobs. It’s, like, “Aw, look how she’s put tennis balls in the training bra. That’s adorable.”
Get it together, baby doll.