Today's Evil Beet Gossip

Britney Spears’ Chin is Contagious

Shannon Funk, Britney Spears’ Assistant, Arrives at Long Beach Airport

Britney Spears and Shannon Funk, Double Chin Twins

Britney Spears’ former assistant, Shannon Funk, arrived at Long Beach airport last night. Shannon, who Kevin Federline recently added to his top friends on Subpoenaster, has been accused of selling stories about Brit to OK! magazine. The magazine’s expected to run a tell-all selling out the ex-assistant this week, because with Lindsay in rehab and Paris behaving herself, no one has anything else to write about.

Anyway, I just think it’s funny how Britney’s double chin seems to be catching. They’re the Double-Chin Twins!

John Mayer and Cameron Diaz?

Cameron Diaz and John Mayer Dating

To quote my roommate on this one: “Ew.”

John Mayer was seen on a date with Cameron Diaz in NYC on Tuesday night. “They went out to several places…It was the two of them, getting to know each other, out on the town,” says a source.

Diaz is in New York filming the romantic comedy What Happens in Vegas, and John Mayer is in New York being lecherous.

According to friends, the two already knew each other: “This was technically not their first time hanging out…they’ve hung out together with friends before. But this was the first time together like this. It’s new and developing…but they really like each other and it went well,”

I wonder what Jessica Simpson has to say about all this … she’s been laying pretty low lately. Come out and whine, Jess!!!

TRAGEDY STRIKES! Jimmy Fallon Engaged! :(

jimmy_and_poo_face.jpg

You guys, I hate to bring you news like this. Hell, I hate to bring me news like this. Jimmy Fallon clearly didn’t get the memo that he is my boyfriend, and went and got his ass engaged to some loser movie producer. Her name is — you know what? Fuck what her name is. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter and her arms are fat. I’m going to call her Fat-Arms. My boyfriend and Fat-Arms got engaged at Fat-Arms’ family home in New Hampshire. He gave her a fancy diamond ring that will probably get stuck on her fat fingers and she’ll have to stick them in a tub of butter to get the ring off when they get divorced because he realizes we were meant to be together. Then she’ll probably eat all the butter.

Fat-Arms met my boyfriend on the set of the Drew Barrymore film Fever Pitch, because Fat-Arms owns Flower Films, the production company behind that particular cinematic opus, along with Drew Barrymore.

This is Jimmy’s first marriage because he was waiting for me until she brainwashed him. It’s also Fat-Arms’ first marriage, for reasons that should be by now obvious.

Teri Hatcher is the New Face of Badgley Mischka

Teri Hatcher Badgley Mischka Ads

The Olsen Twins and their creepy Shining-style ads are out, Teri Hatcher is in!

Hatcher is this season’s new face of Badgley Mischka.

“She’s a beautiful, smart woman, and I think our customer can relate to her,” said Mark Badgley.

Really? Does anyone even watch Desperate Housewives anymore? I couldn’t care less about Teri Hatcher, and I certainly don’t relate to her.

Links Links Links

Are Oprah and Stedman over? [popbytes]

Jessica Alba rocks the THO. [Jordan Is Your Homeboy]

Oh, the irony! Some guy who guest starred a couple times on Law & Order: SVU was arrested for having child pornography on his computer. [Cele|bitchy]

Hooray for Anna Faris in her underwear. [Drunken Stepfather]

This is not Mandy Moore’s best look. [The Blemish]

The Price is Right has raised its turntabled fist to fight back against new host Drew Carey. [Celebslam]

I ::heart:: Selma Blair. [Daily Stab]

LINDSAY!!!!! WE MISSED YOU!!!!!!

Lindsay Lohan at Tanning Salon outside Cirque Lodge Rehab in Utah

Oh, Lindsay! Lindsay Lindsay Lindsay!!! Thank GOD you’re back!!! OMG, Lindsay, I am soooo sorry if I’ve taken you for granted in the past. I can’t imagine how underappreciated you must have felt, but OMG, Lindsay, life in the gossip world sucks without you. I know I’ve given you shit in the past for leaving assorted rehabs to go on little errands to the gym or to Robertson or to lunch with friends, I know I acted like those were things you shouldn’t have been doing, but, oh, Lindsay, I was so wrong! Lindsay! We cannot survive without you. Please forgive my past indiscretions. Please, baby, don’t leave us like this again. I can’t take it, baby. Welcome back. I love you.

I feel a palpable sense of relief as the first pictures of Lindsay Lohan at the Cirque Lodge rehab in Utah have surfaced. Everything has been so goddamn boring since she left.

Lindsay left the rehab center for a little while yesterday, to take a walk around town and hit up a tanning salon. Lindsay bought a $20 spray-on tan, in addition to several more $16 tans. And normally I’d be, like, “What the fuck do you need a tan for in rehab? Focus on getting better, dumbass,” but I’ve changed, Lindsay baby. I’m not going to be like that anymore. I’m so, so glad you’re out in front of the cameras. I support you in any rehab-leaving you want to do in the future. I need you, Lindsay. I need you like you need me, and let’s not play this hiding-in-rehab game anymore, my love. It’s childish and it’s hurtful and no one wins. You’re always safe in the arms of the cameras and the gossip columnists. It’s where you belong, Lindsay. It’s where you need to be. We all know it. Welcome back, my love. Let’s never be apart again.