Yeah, he’s way sorry that his career is gonna go buh-bye, just like he feared would happen in his little racist rant.
Here’s the ultra-long statement/apology/Hail Mary he came out with late Wednesday:
“My sincerest, heartfelt apologies go out to every person I have offended for my regrettable use of very inappropriate language. I am deeply disappointed in myself for speaking out of anger to my son and using such a hateful term in a private phone conversation. It was completely taken out of context. I was disappointed in his choice of a friend, not due to her race, but her character. However, I should have never used that term. I have the utmost respect and aloha for black people â€“ who have already suffered so much due to racial discrimination and acts of hatred. I did not mean to add yet another slap in the face to an entire race of people who have brought so many gifts to this world. I am ashamed of myself and I pledge to do whatever I can to repair this damage I have caused.
“In Hawaii, we have something called Ho’oponopono, where people come together to resolve crises and restore peace and balance. I am meeting with my spiritual advisor, Rev. Tim Storey, and hope to meet with other black leaders so they can see who I really am and teach me the right thing to do to make things right, again.
“I know that all of my fans are deeply disappointed in me, as well, as I have tried to be a model for doing the right thing. I did not do the right thing this time, and hope you will forgive me. We learn from our mistakes, as my story of overcoming a life of crime has proven, and I will learn from this one for the rest of my life.”
Honestly, I think he probably is a good guy, and probably not racist, but Jesus Christ why on earth would anyone ever use that word to describe another human being these days? It just doesn’t make sense. What the hell was he thinking?
After making out at NYC’s Rose Bar on Monday night, Lance and Ashley (Lashley?) hooked up again late Tuesday night at the Waverley Inn (where Lance was hanging out with Owen Wilson, who probably has no business being in a bar right now).
I just picture Lance Armstrong’s aging ass being all like, “Hey, baby doll, will you give me a little head tonight? Just suck it for a little while?” And then Michelle Tanner grinning, giving him a thumbs-up and saying “You got it, dude!”