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36OMG I HAVE TO TELL YOU GUYS MY RICK SCHRODER STORY!

Luke and Rick Schroder at LA Premiere of Leatherheads, Pictures, Photos

Ooooooooh, I am going to get in such big trouble for this. Such big trouble.

But I have to tell it!

I came across this photo of Luke and Rick Schroder at the premiere of Leatherheads, and I was like, “Oh my God. It’s time. It’s time for the Rick Schroder story.”

OMG.

You guys ready?

Okay, so I’m like 16 years old, maybe 17. My best friend’s parents are having a dinner party, and my boyfriend and I go to hang out toward the end of the evening. One of the dinner party guests is Rick Schroder’s father. He’s a Born-Again Christian, and he is also trashed out of his gourd.

I’m Jewish. So is my best friend, and, consequently, her parents, the hosts of this party. This does not stop Rick Schroder’s father from going on an extensive, drunken rant about how we are all going to rot in hell for our failure to accept Jesus Christ as our Lord and Savior.

This is not the funny part, but it’s important that you have a clear mental image of this holier-than-thou character.

We keep talking, Rick Schroder’s dad keeps drinking. We’re all out on the patio of my best friend’s stunning home, a huge expanse overlooking the mountains in Paradise Valley. People are dressed up. Wine is being served in crystal glasses. It’s all very fancy, like the kind of environment in which you’d want to demonstrate some measure of class.

At some point, I mention that I don’t eat pork, as a part of the whole Kosher thing that’s going to result in my one-way ticket to Devil-land. This prompts Rick Schroder’s mother to turn to Rick Schroder’s father and say, “You should do your fried bacon impression.” And my best friend and I are like, “Excuse me?” And she’s like, “Oh, he does the best fried bacon impression.” And my best friend and I are, once again, like, “Excuse me?” This continues for awhile, until finally, Rick Schroder’s father agrees — without much encouragement from us — to do his impression of fried bacon. It’s the kind of thing you know can’t end well.

OMG.

It’s like 11:30 pm, and we’ve been lectured for HOURS about the importance of accepting Jesus into our little Jew-girl hearts.

And then Rick Schroder’s father stands up, walks to an open part of the patio, lies down flat on his stomach (wearing a suit!), and proceeds to shake his body up and down like he’s having a seizure. His arms are flailing. His legs are kicking. His stomach is rolling. This is, I suppose, sort of like what bacon looks like when it’s fried. The adults are delighted. They’re clapping, they’re excited, “Oh, how funny! Oh, it’s just like fried bacon!” And my best friend and I are just staring at each other, like, “Did that just actually happen? That could not have just actually happened.”

But it did. Oh, it did. And it’s one of the more scarring memories of my childhood.

And that, my friends, is the Rick Schroder story.

March 31, 2008 at 11:53 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Rick Schroder

24Oh Go Die

Sarah Larson, George Clooney’s Girlfriend, at LA Premiere of Leatherheads, Pictures, Photos

Here’s Sarah Larson, George Clooney’s hooker of a girlfriend, at the LA premiere of Leatherheads.

The photo agency has taken to identifying her as “Model Sarah Larson.”

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

She is not a model!!! She’s a fucking waitress!!! WHY DOES SHE GET TO MAGICALLY BE A MODEL NOW THAT SHE’S DATING GEORGE CLOONEY???

The world is just one big giant ball of injustices.

Cool dress, though. For a hooker.

March 31, 2008 at 11:35 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Sarah Larson

13Quotables

Denise Richards’ Kids Hate Her, Pictures, Photos

“I’m in a no-win situation. If I don’t have my children in my show, then people will say ‘Well, she’s really not a hands-on mom.’ If I do have my children, people are saying that I’m exploiting them. And I think there’s plenty of reality shows with families, where you don’t watch them — at least I never did — and think they really exploited their kids.”

Denise Richards, on why she’s exploiting her kids.

March 31, 2008 at 11:30 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Denise Richards

8Tyra Doesn’t Want to Talk to Kim Stolz

So I really wanted to write a big long thing on Tyra Banks’ “Fiercee Awards” (pronounced Fierce-ay, like “fiancee,” but I’m pretty sure in a self-aware sort of way), but it was during the time when we were kind of having a technical crisis around here (the technical crisis seems to be subsiding into more of a dull ache lately), so I didn’t get to rant about it like I really wanted to. But hey. At least Sony BMG isn’t suing my pants off (although I did have a very nasty encounter with a representative for the Kardashians last week, and once I clear everything with my lawyer I’ll rant about it here, I promise. But suffice it to say we will not be covering the Kardashians around here in the future. Unless Kris Jenner dies and then we’ll throw a party).

But anyway.

Kim Stolz chose not to attend the Fiercee Awards, but rather to cover the red carpet. Check out the amusing interview she and Tyra had.

March 31, 2008 at 11:24 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized

25We Don’t Have the Video Yet …

Paris Hilton Falling Down in Prague with Benji Madden, Pictures, Photos

Paris Hilton Falling Down in Prague with Benji Madden, Pictures, Photos

But until we get it, here are the pictures of Paris Hilton falling flat on her face in Prague.

The way the incident was talked about, I was envisioning her being chased by swarms of paparazzi, basically being pushed down by them.

No, it doesn’t look like that at all. It looks like she just totally ate shit.

Loves. It.

To see the end result of this fall, click here.

March 31, 2008 at 2:41 pm by Evil Beet

18OMG. New Kids on the Block Are Having a Reunion Performance!!!

They’re ALL nearly 40 years old now!!!

Even little Joey McIntyre is 35 YEARS OLD!!!!

But they’re going to be performing on Friday on The Today Show.

Yeah, that’s right, all of them: Joey McIntyre, Donnie Wahlberg, Danny Wood, Jordan Knight and Jonathan Knight.

For those of you born any time after, say, 1985, New Kids on the Block (aka NKOTB) were like the *NSYNC of the early ’90s.

To celebrate, I’ve included here the music video for “Hanging Tough” — which was on an album that came out TWENTY YEARS AGO.

Yeah, you’re that old now.

March 31, 2008 at 2:35 pm by Evil Beet
Filed Under: Uncategorized